The Fish
for 1 December 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

An Embarrassment of Riches

I thought the Sucksters would
see beyond the facile
voted-for-a-wrestler angle of
Jesse Ventura, but evidently
not. Jesse is perhaps the
only elected official in
America to support both the
legalization of prostitution
and the legalization (at the
least) of medical marijuana.

And you go off calling people
who like those sort of ideas

I thought you'd be a bit more
insightful than that and not
use an extraordinary event as
remarkable as a third-party
win in a major race as just
some simple, ahem, "stupid"
tag line for your column.

You probably voted pro Prop
10 in California, too,
because YOU know who's smart
and who's stupid and YOU know
that people need to be told
not to smoke, eh?

Name me a more exciting
elected representative than
Jesse. Governors, House
members, senators: Name one
who has more potential to
open up some eyes to freedom
than Jesse. Shit, Dick
Morris' latest column
advocates mandatory drug
testing for teenagers as part
of a future winning platform
for Republicans.

At what point does crap like
that wake you up and make you
realize that our elected
officials don't give a fuck
about freedom or liberty?

Run, Jesse, run!

In Morris' column, the word
"freedom" isn't mentioned.
The word "privacy" isn't
mentioned. The word "liberty"
isn't uttered.

Show a little respect for
voters who aren't completely
mesmerized by incumbency and
the decrepit two-party

J in Fullerton, California

There are a lot of
interesting aspects to
Jesse's election, most of
which you mention. In theory,
that's all well and good.
Still, the fact of the matter
is that he's as inexperienced
in politics as you or I.
Whether this actually matters
will be pretty
interesting to see in the
coming months. Since I'm a
Minnesota native and
resident, it doesn't make a
whole lot of sense to wish
the guy ill.

The only thing I would ever
say in support of the
two-party system is this:
Normally, a true majority
elects a candidate. But in
this case, the vast majority
of Minnesotans voted for
someone other than Ventura,
myself included. With our
intractably adversarial
approach to politics, we'll
never see fourth- and
fifth-party legislators like
they have in Europe. That's
because it takes something
called "coalition building,"
which doesn't lend itself to
demagoguery, and professional
thumb twiddling.

None of this addresses the
point of Friday's Suck
feature, which was, well ...
just to be funny. Governor Jesse
Ventura: That's funny. I'm
laughing; I'm crying. What's
the difference?

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Hmm, I would think that Suck
would lay off ole Jesse.
First of all, it's so trendy.
Even Ted Koppel can't say his
name and the word "governor"
in the same sentence without
a condescending smirk.
Where's the challenge?
Where's the subversion of
media-induced pop culture? I
thought you all were more
clever than that.

But more importantly, he is
in favor of decriminalized
drugs and prostitution. We
all know these are two things
that no one on the Suck staff
could live without.

Steve Anichini

Actually, I've noticed the
opposite trend - at least in
the papers. I was stunned at
how charitable and uncritical
both The New York Times and USA
were, not to mention
the Star-Tribune and Pioneer

Anyway, our point wasn't to
make fun of Jesse per se but
to hypothesize how he might
do what many have done before
him: make a complete ass of
himself simply by virtue of
the surrealism of celebrity.

With regard to drugs and
prostitution, you can bet
we've already taken steps to
move all essential staff to
our Minneapolis bureau.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

OK, I got
the Hanks one. He's been in a
lot of movies, ha ha.

Puff Daddy is always a good
target for humor, especially
since he's rich and has bad
teeth. (Of course, much the
same could be said of plenty
of English actors.)

Stephen Jenkins: Yeah, sure,
Third Eye Blind. Aren't they
a band or something?

Is Courtney Love at all
related to Jennifer Love
Hewitt? Not to imply that
anyone is kissing JLH's ass.

Yeah, Steinbrenner, whatever.

Then, Ventura.

I'm at a loss. OK, he's a
celebrity, but he's really
not that rich from what I
understand. After all, he
spent comparatively little
money on his campaign and had
to get a loan for the
US$300,000 he was due if he
placed in the race. Sadder
than that, the guy actually
recorded an album to make
money. But the reason I voted
for him is because this state
and "city" (Mini No Place) is
so friggin' BORING that I was
willing to vote for an ex-pro
wrestler if only he'd liven
things up a little or at
least put Minnesota on the
map for something other than
being cold and people talking like
in Fargo.

Anyway, I understand that
Ventura's election is just
too good a joke to pass up,
so I forgive you that much.
But at least use something
other than his "riches" to
bust him on. Use the idea of
full-contact Congress
sessions or body slams
instead of speeding tickets
or something like that. Sure,
Minnesotans are boring,
"nice," cold, and talk sort
of funny, but we're not
stupid. Well, at least, we're
not any stupider than some
residents of another state,
who voted in another
celebrity whose last name was
quite similar to the chimp an
ex-President used to star
with ... Bobo, Bono. Bono,
Bobo. Uma, Oprah ...

Keep up that hard-hitting


As one Minnesotan to another,
I gotta tell you that you're
handling this pretty well.
We're usually not too
comfortable with national
attention of any kind: Shit,
why do you think Garrison
Keillor is on the road half
the year? His audiences over
at the Fitzgerald Theater
could turn to lynch mobs at
any second.

Well, not really. But they
could turn into the
Minnesotan equivalent of a
lynch mob, which would be a
really quiet, unresponsive
roomful of sniffling noses.

Honestly, I don't mind how
boring it is here. And if
Jesse's election has scared
off that many more
Californian transplants, I
say that's more room for me
down at the skating rink.

Uff da and all that,

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

The Rename-Suck Movement

Subject: Your Outdated Name

As a former Wisconsin
resident, I feel I am
qualified to answer your

I would suggest that Suck is
not nearly lurid enough. Suck
just doesn't move me like it
once did. Times have changed,
Suckos, and you're all being
left in the dirt.

May I suggest the following
alternate titles:

Jism (or Jizzum, depending on
your own spelling preference)
The Gibbing Daily
Three Life-like Orifices
The New Old Testament
Nelson the Asthmatic Pug
Poppers and Minors
Pedophilia Rules!!!

Please let me know if any of
these are accepted. They're
my gift to you.

Joe Garden

I say we narrow it down to
these two and take a vote:

Nelson the Asthmatic Pug



Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: The Throbbing Pulse
of Wisconsin


Before offering my own
opinion, I would first like
to question Royce DeBow's
core reason for
unsubscribing. "I enjoy the
content very much; it's the
name that is the problem."
Suck. Suck. Suck. If the word
"suck" has caused fair Royce
to unsubscribe repeatedly,
what has caused the same fair
Royce to repeatedly
resubscribe? The content?
Could be. However, this would
mean that our pal DeBow would
be keeping abreast of the
content by typing the
offending word into his
browser's address box.
Wouldn't typing "suck" be
astoundingly more provocative
than merely clicking on a
subscription link?

S: Royce visualizes a pair of
lips, gracefully parting like
the Red Sea for Moses.

U: Now the bifurcated waters
of painted flesh contract at
the corners into a suggestive

C: A shadow falls upon the
face of the waters as they
descend upon an unsuspecting

K: Finally, all is motion and
sweat, as Royce staggers for
the bathroom, overcome by
uncomfortable physical

No. If merely clicking on
Suck induces pangs of guilt
or embarrassment in Royce's
racing heart of hearts, then
typing "suck" is unthinkable.

Now then, why would Royce
DeBow resubscribe to Suck?

To indulge in the pleasure of
tasting that which is
forbidden! Deep down inside,
Royce DeBow is a nasty thing!
Royce DeBow craves debauchery
and excess! Royce DeBow
craves Suck!

So I say, "Royce, either
strengthen thy will and grasp
your purity tightly, as if it
were a flag in the windstorm,
or just cave in altogether,
strap on a muskrat, and come
join us frothy potty mouths
in the smoky den of iniquity!
Suck on! Suck on and on and

With that out of the way, I'm
indifferent to your name, as
well as your content.

Blunderfun, In Wisconsin

Well, you certainly went to a
lot of trouble to express
your indifference, didn't

Lips awkwardly pursed like
the Black Sea on a cold


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

I loved that the "expression
of sympathy" to the guy on
Yahoo! who lost everything on
a bogus short sell was to
advise him to margin all his
money and invest in high-tech
stocks. I wouldn't let any of
these losers invest in so
much as an education.

Cameron Geiser

They're enablers. I saw a guy
on CNBC yesterday claiming
that Internet day trading is
a new form of gambling
addiction, which would make
our advice a clear example of
the sorry-to-hear-you're-an-
a-drink school of sympathy.


Fish With Letter Icon

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