The Fish
for 30 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

The Rename-Suck Movement

Subject: Your Outdated Name

As a former Wisconsin
resident, I feel I am
qualified to answer your

I would suggest that Suck is
not nearly lurid enough. Suck
just doesn't move me like it
once did. Times have changed,
Suckos, and you're all being
left in the dirt.

May I suggest the following
alternate titles:

Jism (or Jizzum, depending on
your own spelling preference)
The Gibbing Daily
Three Life-like Orifices
The New Old Testament
Nelson the Asthmatic Pug
Poppers and Minors
Pedophilia Rules!!!

Please let me know if any of
these are accepted. They're
my gift to you.

Joe Garden

I say we narrow it down to
these two and take a vote:

Nelson the Asthmatic Pug



Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: The Throbbing Pulse
of Wisconsin


Before offering my own
opinion, I would first like
to question Royce DeBow's
core reason for
unsubscribing. "I enjoy the
content very much; it's the
name that is the problem."
Suck. Suck. Suck. If the word
"suck" has caused fair Royce
to unsubscribe repeatedly,
what has caused the same fair
Royce to repeatedly
resubscribe? The content?
Could be. However, this would
mean that our pal DeBow would
be keeping abreast of the
content by typing the
offending word into his
browser's address box.
Wouldn't typing "suck" be
astoundingly more provocative
than merely clicking on a
subscription link?

S: Royce visualizes a pair of
lips, gracefully parting like
the Red Sea for Moses.

U: Now the bifurcated waters
of painted flesh contract at
the corners into a suggestive

C: A shadow falls upon the
face of the waters as they
descend upon an unsuspecting

K: Finally, all is motion and
sweat, as Royce staggers for
the bathroom, overcome by
uncomfortable physical

No. If merely clicking on
Suck induces pangs of guilt
or embarrassment in Royce's
racing heart of hearts, then
typing "suck" is unthinkable.

Now then, why would Royce
DeBow resubscribe to Suck?

To indulge in the pleasure of
tasting that which is
forbidden! Deep down inside,
Royce DeBow is a nasty thing!
Royce DeBow craves debauchery
and excess! Royce DeBow
craves Suck!

So I say, "Royce, either
strengthen thy will and grasp
your purity tightly, as if it
were a flag in the windstorm,
or just cave in altogether,
strap on a muskrat, and come
join us frothy potty mouths
in the smoky den of iniquity!
Suck on! Suck on and on and

With that out of the way, I'm
indifferent to your name, as
well as your content.

Blunderfun, In Wisconsin

Well, you certainly went to a
lot of trouble to express
your indifference, didn't

Lips awkwardly pursed like
the Black Sea on a cold


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

I loved that the "expression
of sympathy" to the guy on
Yahoo! who lost everything on
a bogus short sell was to
advise him to margin all his
money and invest in high-tech
stocks. I wouldn't let any of
these losers invest in so
much as an education.

Cameron Geiser

They're enablers. I saw a guy
on CNBC yesterday claiming
that Internet day trading is
a new form of gambling
addiction, which would make
our advice a clear example of
the sorry-to-hear-you're-an-
a-drink school of sympathy.


Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Bad Conversations

That's just the tip of the
iceberg, Ms. Esther. How

Desserts we've eaten: where
we ate them, where else you
can eat similar desserts, how
rich they are, how much
chocolate they have in them,
how much we love chocolate,
how unhealthy it is, how many
delicious foods are
unhealthy, and how it's OK to
be "naughty" once in a while.

Places we've visited: how few
other tourists we saw; the
things we saw that other
tourists didn't see; people
we met whom other tourists
wouldn't have met; how
beautiful, enriching, and
authentic our experiences
were; and how terrible it is
to be a tourist where there
are many other tourists,
particularly American
tourists, particularly
American tourists with
sensitivities and tastes
inferior to our own.

Activities we're involving
our children in: how creative
they are, how careful we have
to be about what our children
are exposed to, how damaging
it would be to let them watch
the television programs and
eat the foods that most
children watch and eat, how
crippling it would be to let
them attend the schools most
children go to, how it's
certainly important to have
ideals, and how we still
believe in ideals but won't
sacrifice our children to

Things we own: how we must
admit that we do enjoy them,
what characteristics they
have that demonstrate their
superiority to similar
things, how educated and
sensitive one must be to
perceive these
characteristics, how many
people claim to possess this
knowledge and sensitivity,
and how few people actually
do possess them.

Culture we've consumed: how
intelligent it was; how
strongly it contrasts with
the culture most people
consume; how sad it is and
what a terrible sign it is
for the future that the
currently popular cultural
products are what most
people, particularly younger
people, seem to prefer; how
we do, however, admit a
fondness for the output of
one or two currently popular
creative figures; and how we
perceive more substance to
their work than is typical
for the genre or apparent at

Services we pay for: how
justified we are in paying
for these services, given the
demands on our time and what
we consider important; how
pleased we are with the
people we're currently
employing; how strong and
what an inspiration they are;
how much better they are than
previous ones have been; how
we aren't sure if they need
any more work, but we'd be
more than happy to give you
their numbers.

Paul Spinrad

Wow. Reading your email gave
me a sudden craving for three
strong gin and tonics
consumed within minutes of
each other.

Alcohol is the cause of and
cure for bad conversations.

Thanks for the reminder that
socializing only gets more
bland as you get older.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: U2 owe me somekinda

Hey, one of the side effects
of New Yorkers needing to
redefine the center of the
universe was that most
buildings that must
accommodate baby boom
ravishes have shown their
capacity to adapt in the way
they move people vertically.
It is in these spaces that
the population realities of
the universe are most acutely

And just last night I stepped
out of my cubicled world into
a shared space. I'm speaking
of that place where most
storytellers rely on making
really far-fetched
coincidences seem ordinary,
where those buttons get
pushed that open the gates of
our once relatively private
worlds, revealing one where
we must face the factors of
immediate intimacy. Codes of
fashion, hygiene, manners,
odors, and consciousness
suddenly have meaning beyond
the pages of women's

I overheard something like
this: "In the '60s we were
radical ... but now ... as we
crammed in a silently
occupied traveling box ... "
It went on: "I guess there
are still radicals ... " and
then there was silence again.

Until I said, "Yeah, it's
really hard these days....
You think you've just about
got it figured out and
suddenly you realize you've
gone public with it."

Which just started a burst of
comments not unlike a Yahoo!
chat room, where things get
fired out seeking some
connection, like a missile
into Iraq. I reverted to
saying, "It's the
government.... Gee, did you
clean your ears today?" And
those doors finally opened,
and we restored our sense of
purpose once again.

I am very grateful that the
top floor in this building
has been given to a bunch of

I now think those cameras
have more purpose than
security. I now know how you
can make fun at such a great


If only the distance were

Making really ordinary
coincidences seem far


Fish With Letter Icon

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