The Fish
for 24 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Attack of the Killer Shrews

Welcome to Suck backlash '98!
Finally, a single-minded
mincing of the female voice.
I've been waiting so long.
Shrews, beavers, cunts,
fembots, "girls," bitches,
etc.: I don't recall seeing
such degrading terminology in
this column when despised
homosexuals or African
Americans were described.
They must not be all the same
like we women are! Oh, the
ease with which you throw the
slurs of misogyny around! And
your charming disgust with
the aging female body! It
just gets me hot. It's about
time your take-no-prisoners
attitude toward politics and
entertainment took on half
the population. We
desperately need another
forum for the "Silence the
Woman" campaign. Thank you
for making me realize that
individuals aren't the
problem, WOMEN ARE! I'm sure
if I take your oh-so-subtle
hints and just shut up, the
world will be a much better
place. Gosh, disempowerment
is SO FUNNY! How could I have

Michelle Livingston

There was no backlash
intended, though the lines
you quoted - mostly cribbed
from Jack Nicholson in Carnal
- probably weren't
the brightest way to get the
idea across. Far from coming
out against the "female
voice," I'm down on
self-promoting bullies who
think picking apart
flagellants constitutes
morality and believe that the
way to show strength is to
shout the other person down.
Follow the link to that
Vanity Fair story and you'll
see that Schlessinger has
spent most of her career
cozying up to men while
stabbing in the back any
woman who happened to work
with her. Though I suppose
it's possible I Just Don't
Get It, that behavior strikes
me less as empowerment than
as an old-fashioned palace
intrigue. Anyway, if you're
concerned about
disempowerment, don't waste
your time getting mad at
somebody as disempowered as
me. Get out there and join
the grassroots campaign to
get Dianne Feinstein
nominated for president in


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Bartel,

I don't necessarily disagree
with your points in the above
article, (though you
obviously have an opinion
you're trying to prove), but
god damn the smugness! In an
age when practically no one
has the time to read trivia,
the West Coast,
well-informed, hip, cool, and
above all, smug style of
writing may well be the most
trivial part of our day.

I know, some of your readers
probably love it: West
Coasters, New Yorkers - about
six percent of the nation. I
suppose I should just stop
reading your articles and
spend my time listening to
the opinions of people who
are not so clever.

Don't get me wrong; I like a
little glibness served up
with my opinions. A dollop
would do nicely. Anything
more detracts from the main

I hope you can accept this
critique in the spirit in
which it is offered. If not,
you can dump a load of glib
smugness on me via your reply
- if you have time for such
trivial pursuits, that is.

Kenneth W. Bickford

You know, outside of Boston
there is a Bickford's Family
Restaurant, and just the
memory of it gives me a warm
feeling. This is a place
where you can get a truly
American breakfast with
beverage for less than US$6.
It has hearty portions,
piping hot eggs and sausage,
plenty of coffee, and a menu
so all-American that each
table comes with its own

What a contrast with my
current home in San
Francisco, where the local
International House of
Pancakes offers naught but a
shabby, runt-sized stack of
pancakes and a sparse
selection of expensive,
ill-prepared breakfasts, and
even the toast for your
omelette must be purchased a
la carte! Why, those IHOP
knaves even add insult to
injury by prominently
advertising their Famous
Bottomless Cup, which costs,
if you can believe it, $1.75!
As if the Bottomless Cup is
some special delicacy, rather
than the bare minimum
breakfast in a freedom-loving

I know you had some point,
but really, I miss Bickford's
Family Restaurant. Bless you
if you're any relation.


Fish With Letter Icon
Attack of
the Killer Shrews

" ... a dizzying tour de
force ... " " ... a hilarious
romp through the zeitgeist
... " "In Bartel's latest
opus, the hypocrites are
unmasked and the
self-righteous are skewered
and rendered (and
disemboweled too, maybe?) on
the barbs of the author's
acid wit.... a veritable tour
de force ... "

All of which is to say, hey
Bartel, you're fun to read
first thing in the bleary

Eric in Caracas

You forgot "Bartel has been
proven effective for symptoms
of gastrointestinal
irregularities, Krohn's
disease, colitis, and some
digestive complaints. Insert
rounded end. Consult
physician if symptoms

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, I loved today's, er,
rant. I'm so sick of Maureen
Dowd thinking that she knows
everything. I just want to
put her in boiling water.
Maybe then she'll stop
smirking. You guys want to
write an astronomy paper for
me? Pleaseeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ...

Kathleen Juliet


Sure thing!

Astronomy 101 Paper, by
Kathleen Juliet

Pay special attention to
somebody special in your life
today. He or she may have a
message you need to know.
This is a good day to start a
new short-term project, but
don't bite off more than you
can chew! An encounter with a
Libra makes you reassess your
ideas of success.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

You know, I'm all for
esoteric name dropping, but
most of the time I don't know
who you guys are talking
about. Even if I do know who
these people are, I don't
know enough about them to
lend any personal relevance
to your articles (though they
remain amusing because
nothing is so amusing to
today's disingenuous,
under-40 intellectual as
disingenuous under-40
intellectuals, and that's as
it should be). How do you
have the time and attention
span to draw actual
significance from people like
Laura Schlessinger and Judge
Judy? You must have truly
amazing powers of
concentration. The rest of us
only see these grandstanding
self-promoters as tiresomely
amusing (or vice versa) and
get on with our lives. And
you know, I work with a woman
who loves Donny and Marie
with no reservations and no
irony, and she's not even
particularly stupid. So
what's that all about?

I realize that if I want to
Suck the Fish, I've got to
say something that gives you
an opening for a smart-ass
remark. How about this: I'm
envious of that woman who
doesn't care what Maureen
Dowd is really all about and
who enjoys her cerveza at
Tequilaville on Friday night.
She's not bad looking, she
makes enough money, she does
as little harm as possible,
and she's most likely going
to Heaven, so what's so wrong
with that?

Bored to tears but still
mildly interested,

The Little Boy from the Big

Judge Judy (who I kind of
regret lumping in with such
cretinous company) is not
tiresome at all. Rather,
she's the kind of jurist this
country needs: somebody who
can get those scumbag
predators off our streets and
behind bars where they

Except, I guess she doesn't
actually put anybody behind
bars. She just, like, decides
who gets to keep the disputed
Hummel figurines and stuff.
But she's really good at
that. They should let her put
people behind bars once in a


Fish With Letter Icon

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