The Fish
for 23 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Attack of
the Killer Shrews

" ... a dizzying tour de
force ... " " ... a hilarious
romp through the zeitgeist
... " "In Bartel's latest
opus, the hypocrites are
unmasked and the
self-righteous are skewered
and rendered (and
disemboweled too, maybe?) on
the barbs of the author's
acid wit.... a veritable tour
de force ... "

All of which is to say, hey
Bartel, you're fun to read
first thing in the bleary

Eric in Caracas

You forgot "Bartel has been
proven effective for symptoms
of gastrointestinal
irregularities, Krohn's
disease, colitis, and some
digestive complaints. Insert
rounded end. Consult
physician if symptoms

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hey, I loved today's, er,
rant. I'm so sick of Maureen
Dowd thinking that she knows
everything. I just want to
put her in boiling water.
Maybe then she'll stop
smirking. You guys want to
write an astronomy paper for
me? Pleaseeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ...

Kathleen Juliet


Sure thing!

Astronomy 101 Paper, by
Kathleen Juliet

Pay special attention to
somebody special in your life
today. He or she may have a
message you need to know.
This is a good day to start a
new short-term project, but
don't bite off more than you
can chew! An encounter with a
Libra makes you reassess your
ideas of success.

Yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

You know, I'm all for
esoteric name dropping, but
most of the time I don't know
who you guys are talking
about. Even if I do know who
these people are, I don't
know enough about them to
lend any personal relevance
to your articles (though they
remain amusing because
nothing is so amusing to
today's disingenuous,
under-40 intellectual as
disingenuous under-40
intellectuals, and that's as
it should be). How do you
have the time and attention
span to draw actual
significance from people like
Laura Schlessinger and Judge
Judy? You must have truly
amazing powers of
concentration. The rest of us
only see these grandstanding
self-promoters as tiresomely
amusing (or vice versa) and
get on with our lives. And
you know, I work with a woman
who loves Donny and Marie
with no reservations and no
irony, and she's not even
particularly stupid. So
what's that all about?

I realize that if I want to
Suck the Fish, I've got to
say something that gives you
an opening for a smart-ass
remark. How about this: I'm
envious of that woman who
doesn't care what Maureen
Dowd is really all about and
who enjoys her cerveza at
Tequilaville on Friday night.
She's not bad looking, she
makes enough money, she does
as little harm as possible,
and she's most likely going
to Heaven, so what's so wrong
with that?

Bored to tears but still
mildly interested,

The Little Boy from the Big

Judge Judy (who I kind of
regret lumping in with such
cretinous company) is not
tiresome at all. Rather,
she's the kind of jurist this
country needs: somebody who
can get those scumbag
predators off our streets and
behind bars where they

Except, I guess she doesn't
actually put anybody behind
bars. She just, like, decides
who gets to keep the disputed
Hummel figurines and stuff.
But she's really good at
that. They should let her put
people behind bars once in a


Fish With Letter Icon

Ad Infinitum

Subject: Election commentary

What? No mention of medical
marijuana passing on every
ballot initiative? Even in
places like Colorado and D.C.
where conservatives
"nullified" the vote counts?
Surely you missed a chance to
support a good cause and make
conservatives look stupid.

Laura Spitz


Couple things. First, we're
not about making
"conservatives" look stupid.
We're about making everybody
look stupid. Or, more
accurately, that's what
"everybody" is about, we're
just paying attention to the
man behind the curtain.

Second, regarding the
initiative in D.C., we (cough
cough), we ... um ... what
were we just talking about?

Passing the douche on both
the left- and the right-hand


Fish With Letter Icon

The Fisher King

I always found it far more
amusing when you simply
slagged the poor bastards who
got emotional enough about
your articles to reply.
Although considered answers
may be more entertaining for
them, for those of us simply
looking for a cheap laugh
your insolence was quite
satisfying. So how about a
little more abuse??


Jamie Fischer

OK. Fuck off.

Fish With Letter Icon

Pest Control

Unlike the Teeming Millions,
I heartily approve of your
name. A perfectly cogent
moniker for sassy,
politically oriented screeds.

Don't change a thing, kids.

Actually, I heard the
dollar-chasers in the Suck ad
department were rallying hard
for a name change that would
lead to greater mainstream
accessibility and even
commissioned several surveys
and focus groups, the outcome
of which was to slightly
morph the name from "SUCK" to
"SLICK" - a little
deconstruction of the "U"
being all that was necessary.
Luckily, is
already taken by "America's
premiere lampoon," the Slick
Times, so the name Suck

Even so, we need more letters
like yours to keep the ad
staff in its place. Thanks.


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Suck--

Peter Biskind's good book,
Seeing is Believing, discussed
the political dynamics of
'50s bug movies. According to
Biskind, the Eisenhower
regime was a coalition
government; though we think
of it today as a long
Republican nap, President Ike
supposedly held the course
between extreme right-wing
tendencies and liberal
pinksters. The sci-fi bug
movie, Biskind argues, always
replayed those political
tensions, leaning to the left
or to the right depending on
the directors involved.
You'll remember the plot of
The Thing, et al.: Bug
arrives. A scientist always
wants to let the bugs run
roughshod over the Earth, so
he can study them; a general
always wants to nuke 'em till
they glow and then shoot 'em
in the dark. Together the
general and the scientist
agree on a method, using some
science and some force to
destroy the bugs. At the end,
intellectuals and military
men shake hands on a good
day's work, over the charred
corpse of the communist
insect. I'm mentioning all of
this because the current
bug-hunts (say Armageddon,
Starship Troopers
) are all
force and no science,
reflecting the right-wing,
force-crazed corporate
ideology of those who made
the movies. (Of course, Deep
was more of a New Age
fiasco, claiming we could
overcome the aliens if we
just loved ourselves and our
families more ...). Call Antz
a summons to the cubicle
farm, but it's the only movie
this year that had the phrase
"The workers own the means of
production" in it. I know, it
was only a joke ... the
phrase "It Was Only a Joke"
ought to be the official
motto of the 20th century. By
the way, did you guys read
the Mr. Mike biography yet?

Sincerely yrs,


Interesting point about the
lack of science in
Armageddon and Starship
neither of which
I've seen so I'll take your
word that they don't
contain a kindly,
intellectual, but instead a
suspiciously European
scientist of the kind that
counterbalanced the
red-white-and-blue military
types in Them! Maybe the
scientists are too busy with
the Outbreak-genre of bug
movies these days....


Fish With Letter Icon

impressive. i dodged a yellow
jacket on my lunch break, and
now i feel all inspired to go
step on woody allen and suck
an egg. but first i'd better
finish my cricket-salad
sammich, eh?

wannabe nova scotian

you're being a bit too
ambitious, i think. forget
the egg and the sandwich, and
focus on allen. even so, i
doubt your stomps will do
much to eliminate him or even
slow his output; even in his
twilight years, he appears as
hardy and ineradicable as a


Fish With Letter Icon

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