The Fish
for 17 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

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Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
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Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar

 

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Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

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Ian Connelly
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Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

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Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

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Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

M'sieur. O'Neil's claim that
California lacks history is
skewed. The state has a rich
and colorful history that
extends back to the 17th and
16th century; it just happens
to be Spanish rather than
Anglo. Perhaps M'sieur.
O'Neil is unfamiliar with the
origins of such names as Los
Angeles, San Francisco, San
Diego, et al. As Chris Rock
has said, if white people had
settled there first, the
cities would be called New
Washingtonville or the like.

Furthermore, as someone from
this side of the Mason-Dixon,
I find Southern scholars are
often Confederate apologists.
The romantic affection that
many Southern scholars
display reminds me of nothing
less than the German
infatuation with the Teutonic
knights a hundred years ago.
While Burns' The Civil War
isn't quite the Ring Cycle,
it is almost as long.

Masking the personal
prejudices and materialist
reasons for the Civil War
under the oh-so-noble
sounding phrase "states'
rights" is the same modus
operandi of the current batch
of wingnuts from gun-toting
tax resisters to park-
ranger-shooting ranchers,
from violent antiabortion
mobs to the fag-bashers.

Perhaps it is only a
coincidence that O'Neil is
from Montana, the modern-day
parallel to the 19th-century
secessionist South. Perhaps
imploring girlfriends hold
great sway over him. Perhaps
he should realize that just
because a person exhibits
"grace, knowledge, and
charm," such does not remove
one from the cross hairs of
satire. Indeed, Shelby Foote
and others who lay claim to
being a "true Southern
gentleman and scholar"
deserve a long-needed kick in
the ass, if not a good
goosing.

yrs. truly,

simon adkins
<sadkins@roanoke.edu>
In the Blue Ridge Mountains,
Virginia

"... I find Southern scholars
are often Confederate
apologists"? And we thought
we had cornered the market on
groundless sweeping
generalizations. You mean
that the Southern scholars
you've personally met are
quite often Confederate
apologists? And how does
Montana qualify as the
modern-day parallel to
19th-century secessionist
South?

But then, what's more
American than prejudice
against other Americans?

Finding Suck readers are
often considerable sweeping
generalizationists,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

The Work of the People

How convenient that on
Election Day, Suck.com has
itemized noteworthy awards
and honorariums given to our
elected officials for acts of
little effort. This is a good
thing because I am in need of
emotional reassurance from my
participation in today's
democratic activities.

As I was walking away from
the polling booth I first
felt guilty that (A) I didn't
remember who I voted for and
(B) that everyone I voted for
was on the Marijuana Reform
Party's row, shared in part
by the Socialist Worker and
the Green Party rows. I
figured "Hey, I'm a
blue-haired freak, some of my
friends are punks (i.e.,
Socialists), that hippie
friend of my Dad's is always
badgering me to vote for Al
Lewis, and I'm way baked for
having woken up 10 minutes
ago. My vision's too blurry
to read but I can see the
little leaf icon, lets vote
for him/her."

Let me point out here that I
did not vote for "Grandpa
Munster" Al Lewis, I may be a
blue-haired freak, but senile
TV stars are not allowed to
run my country, I don't care
how much herb they smoke.
Anywho, I couldn't escape the
feeling that if I had just
paid attention to those
campaign ads or the bumper
stickers or those solicitors
at my door, I might be a more
responsible American. That
perhaps my decision today may
have tipped the balance in
favor of utter oppression or
my ability to toke on the
street. But instead I waltzed
in like many other workaday
Americans, flipped a bunch of
levers brandished with
convenient icons, and called
myself a patriot. I even have
a sticker to prove "I voted
today." We just assume that
the whole thing happens on
its own. That we have freedom
and liberty as a part of
everyday life is a luxury
held up by the work of
paperboys turned state
officials, poser Girl Scouts
turned politicians, apathetic
greeting-card senders turned
Congressman, and other
hard-working individuals. You
know, it brings a tear to my
eye when I look across this
land and I can see the future
of our country in the
extracurricular activities of
our youth....

Perhaps NORML, or the Green
Party hippie friend of my
Dad's will present me with a
Golden Bong. "For years of
youthful rebellion all for
the sake of our country's
desire to pay very little
attention, and pass the
blunt. HAIL TO THE CHIEF"

Tristan
<tristan@verio.net>

If your letter-writing
ability reflects how
functional a stoner you are,
we're not so sure you should
be allowed to vote under the
influence. Or speak under the
influence, for that matter.

Don't feel bad, though. You
can always tune in to That
'70s Show
for hearty stoner
laughs.

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Sorry about unsubscribing. I
mistakenly thought that
"Suck" was a humor mag.

Jim Austin
<shorty@sover.net>

Bahaha! It is now!
Have you considered the
stand-up circuit?

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Doctor Who?

And yet, by the end of the
article, i still know next to
nothing about david satcher,
but i know plenty of stuff about
jocelyn elders and c. everett
koop that i already knew.
other than that, good column.

Admiring your qualifications
and semantic incoherence ...

Jim Kuemmerle
<J.Kuemmerle@m.cc.utah.edu>

Some info for you: David
Satcher was born on the
planet Krypton. As a small
child, his parents put him on
a rocket bound for earth,
where he grew up to become a
doctor who later became
Surgeon General. His
multiple-personality disorder
was the basis of the TV show
Eight is Enough, starring
Dick Van Patten in the title
role. Despite showing great
promise as a super hero,
Satcher was elevated to the
office of Surgeon General and
was never heard from again.

Mr. M

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Please can you get me off the
email list for Suck. I would
appreciate it very much.

You can catch more flies with
honey than with vinegar.

Manja Argue
<margue@northcoast.com>

But let's face it, baby: You
can catch even more flies
with shit than with honey.
Or, as Bob Dylan put it in
"Precious Angel" on the Slow
Train Coming
LP (back in
those crazy days when they
still had records and Dylan
still had Christ), "You
either got faith or unbelief,
there ain't no neutral
ground.... I just can't make
it without you, I'm a little
too blind to see."

Yrs,

Mr. M

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

When did Reagan lionize SS
officers?

Tom Castle
<Tom@asizip.com>

Hey look, we were all crazy
in the '80s, when video
killed the radio star and the
boys of summer paved over
Walden Pond with Joni
Mitchell. Let me point you
toward the Ramones' take on the
subject: To wit, "Bonzo Goes
to Bitburg."

Certainly Bitburg rings a
bell ...

Mr. M

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Just thought I'd note a
couple of points respecting your
2 November rant (which was
quite good, of course):

Regarding " ... the barely visible
footsteps of Antonia Novello,
who occupied the position in
the interim between Koop
and Elders. Like her
similarly named counterpart
in the world of TV comedy,
Don "Father Guido Sarducci"
Novello, she managed to make
virtually no impression on
the public ... "

1. It's not surprising that they
might be considered similar.
Don and Antonia are reputed
to be cousins. "Counterpart?"

2. This is not such a fair statement.
Father Sarducci was well
regarded in Boston not only
for his relatively
high-profile and funny stuff
on SNL but for his exorcism
of Fenway Park. OK, so it
didn't work: So? His alter
ego, Lazlo Toth, compiled a
couple of classic books of
letters. They made quite an
impression on the thinking
public at least.

My two cents.

Sincerely,

Manuel Hernandez
<hernm@pegasystems.com>

1. The connection between
unremarkable Surgeon General
AN and unremarkable TV comic
DN has been noted and is
fascinating, even if it does
support a bell curve sort of
genetic argument regarding the
Novello clan. What was the
genes/culture split Martin
and Lewis (or was it Rowan
and Martin) bandied about in
TBC: 60/40? Perhaps the harsh
environment of Boston - a
city made famous by Ben
Franklin's leaving it -
accounts for your conclusion.

2. Lazlo Toth is indeed
funny, which is prima facie
evidence that Don Novello is
not in fact Lazlo Toth. Thus
I refute you, Dan Akroyd.

Cogito ergo bum,

Mr. M

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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