The Fish
for 9 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Monte Goode
Monte Goode
Ghost in the Machine


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Goes to Camp

I wanted to let you know how
much I enjoyed your recent
article called "Earnest Goes
to Camp." I do have a question
about one of the things you
wrote, if you have the time
to answer it.

What did you mean when you
wrote: In the New Woodstock
generation, only Neve
Campbell has the Necessary
Gravitas to be the brown

I hope you can clarify this
for me. Anyway, thank you for
your time and keep up the
good work.


During the 1960s, batches of
LSD were color-coded (e.g.,
Owsley Blue, Red, etc.). At
the world-famous Woodstock
concert, legend has it that
there was a bad batch of
"brown" acid in circulation.
Apparently, everybody who
dropped the brown acid had a
bad trip, and some of the
era's legendary performers
had to make announcements
from the stage warning
audience members to avoid the
stuff. "Don't eat the brown
acid" eventually became an
anti-catch phrase in the
manner of "I love my dead gay

As for Neve, well, she gives
me a bad trip every time.


Fish With Letter Icon

But isn't the whole point of
these programs to get
Washington's Morality in
Media brigade off of
Hollywood's back by providing
"family" programming that
still fills pop culture's
need for an endless parade of
Babes of the Month? I mean,
even back when the
not-yet-ripe Felicity was in
those Noxema commercials she
was becoming prime
masturbation material for the
middle-aged, even Wayne and
Garth said so. SCHWING!

BTW, where is this "Canada" I
hear you speak of?

Eric Walker

Maybe, but as Suck's own St.
Huck pointed out in Tuesday's
piece, contemporary family
values seem to involve
bumping off the parents.
Which is probably just as
well, since today's parents
are all slimy, Bill Clinton
boomer types who don't really
have Christ in their hearts.


P.S. Rebecca Gayheart, not
the girl in Felicity, was the
Noxema girl.

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sir,

Two months away from my 21st
birthday, I find that I'm
already old news to the folks
on Madison Avenue. Yes, my
attention span for '80s music
was quickly shortened when
every radio station of every
format decided to co-opt the
culture of my imagined youth,
however objectively
unappealing that culture was.
For all my angsty talk about
commodifying my dissent, I
have to admit I was a little
flattered that someone took
the time to market to me.

But now, in my
"post-adolescent" haze, I've
realized what I should have
known all along: TV (and
every other institution based
on the holy laws of supply
and demand) is full of crap.
And that's the way it is,
whether it's marketing to
me, or to a future generation
of pseudo-emotional Barbie

Isn't it time to come to the
sad (and liberating), complete
rejection of television, pop
radio, and everything else
that centers around taking a
genuine but unremarkable
sentiment and turning it into
eight to ten years of flaccid
programming, advertising with
co-opted messagee, and, generally,
more crap. It's just
not worth it.

If an ad-man hocks "Helen
Keller on tape" to the deaf,
is he contemptible, or just

And does it matter, when the
Al D'Amatos of the world are
clearly the former?


Saurav Sarkar

What? What else are the radio
stations supposed to co-opt,
if not your so-called
imagined youth? TV is full of
crap? Time to reject all pop
culture because it's so
deeply painful to you that
there's nothing of quality
out there? Not like the salad
days of ... Laverne &

Fish With Letter Icon

D'arcy -

How I wish we could just put
the final nail in the coffin
of Felicity and the like ...
but it's these television
writers that we really need
to bury. Always riding the
crest of This Year's
Pathology and its
corresponding anodyne. Two
years ago, the furtive minds
of screenplay writing
confused irony for hipster
detachment ... now they've
caught wind of the masses'
tendency toward optimism and
have mistaken it for

The trouble with shows such
as Dawson's Creek and
Felicity is that you need
only watch the commercials to
follow what's going on.
Sadly, there just isn't
enough meat on the bones of
folks like Keri Russell. Lump
Sarah Michelle Gellar into
that crowd if you want, but
Buffy the Vampire Slayer is
at least a well-written show
with a bright, subversive
take on adolescence: High
School as Hell. Joss Whedon
has decided on his worldview
and has stuck to it
relentlessly, winning fans of
people like me, who didn't
figure too highly in the
high school caste system.

The big problem with
Felicity, in my mind, is that
it fails at capturing the
experience of going to
college. The mistake that
Felicity's writers make is
similar to the mistakes I see
in other television shows
centered around college: They
make the mistake of believing
that college is an
intrinsically interesting
place, when in fact the
typical college experience is
only interesting once you
factor in a friendly,
bong-hitting motherfucker
like me. At the center of
Felicity is this complete
cipher of a character. She
emotes, she's earnest, man,
she really gives a shit like
no one's given a shit before,
but - I fail to believe that
anyone can spend 18 years on
this earth and still be a
complete tabula rasa. (Though
with the current trends
toward part-time parenting
and sheltering one's
offspring, I can certainly
imagine that someday a whole
generation of kids could grow
up that disconnected. Maybe
Felicity should read as a
cautionary tale.)

What's sadder, by the way, is
the damage this new blanding
has wrought to music, because
it's harder to avoid. Which
is why I turn Rancid way up

Getting harder to avoid,

Jason Linkins

So when I get my pitch
session with WB executives,
does this mean I should tell
them "It's this total college
show, except you know there
really isn't anything
interesting about college, so
there won't be any emotions
or romance or people taking
classes or anything; it'll
just be like this friendly
bong-hitting motherfucker
like this Jason Linkins guy
who writes to Suck. 'Cause
that's really the bomb
college experience, you know
what I'm sayin'?"

For my money, Felicity is
already wearing out her
welcome. After four or five
episodes, she's quickly
moving from adorably clingy
to psychotically stalking.
Read the Flaubert story A
Simple Heart,
another tale
of a too-affectionate nutcase
named (not coincidentally,
given the way TV writers like
to let you know they really
do read books and stuff)
Felicity. Ben should really
make a clean break, but he's
just such a tease.

Buffy's been well fluffed by
all and sundry, but I never
actually saw the show until
last week. My verdict:


Fish With Letter Icon

Motherfucking Suck EGGs

Cut it out with this evil
genius grant crap. What made
you switch from your
moderately successful format?
A bad batch of acid? Pressure
from Lycos? Have you replaced
yourselves with Virtual
Sucksters and flown to

Are you bored of writing sarcastic,
caustic essays? Drawing
moderately funny cartoons?
Reading endless, insipid,
idiotic reader email and
coming up with sarcastic,
caustic responses? Buy
yourself a Virtual Suckster.

The Virtual Suckster is:


  • "With the new
    Titanic replicas being built,
    we are waiting for someone to
    fund an iceberg replica ... "
  • "x should just acknowledge
    y and take z to the new
  • "Look! A clever link!"


  • "Wayne Gretsky may be the best 90-
    year-old on the ice ... "
  • "The thing about the new 20-somethings
    is they are so damn Canadian....
    My friends, the conspiracy is


  • "Crack! Crack,
    crack, crackitty crack crack


  • "So who's got
    the pool going on which hour
    into the mission John Glenn's
    heart seizes? We want to

Responsive to Reader Email

  • "You're stupid!"

Quick Witted

  • "Look! We used
    the word 'poop' in an essay!"

Steve Anichini,
who could
give a rat's ass about the
Beastie Boys' evil genius


You're stupid.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Please, Suck

I enjoy reading your magazine
for free every day. I
recommend that you make it
better. Since it is free, I
will read it every morning no
matter how bad it is, but I
would be happier if it was of
excellent quality. So please
put in more things that don't
make sense. I especially
enjoy nested brackets and

Demmy Rooster

Well (since you're willing to
read the motherfucking thing
everyday [whether it's worth a
shit or not]), why the fuck
should we bother to make it
any better for your sorry

Fish With Letter Icon

So why didn't Suck receive
the final EGG? You deserve it
at least as much as Lapham and
probably more than Foote.
False modesty does not become
thee, Sucksters. While I
would certainly miss Suck if
it took a year off, it might
be worth it to engender
Stillman's inevitable
chef-d'oeuvre: The Last Hours
of Suck....

"They're young, they're
computer savvy, and they're
cynical. We're talking, of
course, about the Internet's
doomed social class: the
name-dropping, twittish
techno-preppy. Stillman
completes his tetralogy of
comedies of ill manners in
which the privileged have
something to whine about,
too." Chris Eigeman as Carl?
Or Kate Beckinsale as Polly?
Christopher Walken as
Kornheiser? It's sounding too
good for Stillman now. But
would any of us readers
really be surprised if he had
already optioned your book?
And Stillman wouldn't even
have to pore over his old
Harvard class notes for the
name dropping this time -
it's all in back editions of
"The Shit."

Steven J. Pate

The concept is good, but
at this stage, the Sucksters would
be more accurately portrayed
by the cast of Cocoon.
Kornheiser, meanwhile, is
more of a Gerard Depardieu
type. And come to think of
it, the last hours of Suck
have gone on so long already
that their proper chronicler
is probably not Whit Stillman
so much as Edward Gibbon.

Fish With Letter Icon

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