The Fish
for 5 November 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Rotten Suck EGGs!

Organization: Education
Developement Center

You're a bunch of trite

I've been reading your stuff
for several months and there
were some interesting bits.

A really long time ago.

Why don't you stop
criticizing anyone who
happens to be within your
mass media-defined cross
hairs and Say Something, you
num-nums? Anything! I mean,
Hal Hartley, the Beasties,
Ira Glass are all people
who've Produced Something.
What have you produced other
than a self-referential
little rag that wouldn't even
exist without plastic
technology to run it? Where
are your ideas? Do you have
any? Can you spell "ideas"? Can
you write an entire article
without using the word
pundit even once? Who the
hell are you, anyway?

A bunch of trite idiots.

Kathryn Rasala

What exactly do you do at
Education Developement
Center Inc., anyway? Has it
ever occurred to you that
trite idiots might be more in
need of your leading,
nonprofit, educational
organization's research and
development programs than the
gifted and talented kids you
seem to favor? Thanks a lot
for ruining our self-esteem!

Tritely idiotic,


Fish With Letter Icon

Why are you writing
about people I've never heard
of? Who is Ira Glass? Why
would anyone write about any
broadcaster on NPR? Next
you'll be giving awards to
Charlie Rose, for god's sake.
Please, no more EGGs. I think
they are stupid.

Yours very truly,

Rebecca E. Hamilton

Charlie Rose has already won
the special Bags
Under the Eyes and Lengthy
Setup to Questions awards, so
he's ineligible for an EGG at
this time. But you've got a
good idea, and we may just
devote whole columns in the
future to AMC's Bob Dorian
and Gordon from Sesame

Fish With Letter Icon

what are these evil tv awards
and why have they been on
suck for the last week? they
are not funny. Please return
me to my regularly scheduled
suck programming.

Troy Sheets

Thanks for the input, Troy.
Next year, we may pare down
the musical numbers and some
of the boring technical
awards. But look for even
foxier guest presenters and
a slew of wisecracks from
Master of Ceremonies Tim

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: hate hate hate hate

Maybe it's just been a
stressful week at work, but
this recent concept is really
irritating. I like stopping
in at Suck every day at work
for a healthy dose of hate,
but dedicating two weeks to
personal attacks is getting
old. I know it's stupid to
complain about free
entertainment, but I like
Whit Stillman and the
Beastie Boys dammit. You're cutting
it a bit close to the bone, boys.


You only like Stillman and
the Beastie Boys because you
have to pay for them. If you
got them for free, you'd be
complaining about how
irritating and old they are.
Even better, if you had to
pay for Suck, you'd convince
yourself how great it was
because you wouldn't want to
admit you'd wasted your
money. As it is now, you've
got the worst of both worlds.
And a stressful job.

Fish With Letter Icon

Suck EGGs: Hartley & Stillman

Awards have always bored me until
this one. J'aime beaucoup
le cinema du
Hal Hartley!
Have to say I lost my
in-her-20s girlfriend around
the time I tried to cuddle up
with her to Metropolitan,
thinking she would get some
kind of lasting feeling.
Yeah, I agree Flirt was
horrid, and you're right that
someone becoming
famous on the Internet because
of some tart who learned HTML
is just impossible! And guess
what? I actually started to
write you to nominate Woody
Allen for the award. I am
the Bob Hope fiend who
brought another in-her-20s
girl to the opening of the NY
Film Festival thinking it
might impress her. It did.
To her credit, she
walked out of the movie, only
to find another 80-year-old
with his hands up in the air
and face in pain saying, "Just
stop. Stop. No need to
make any more!"

I went alone to see Hartley's
Book of Love. Tell Polly that you
guys can stop following me
around and making fun of me.
I'm past the Armageddon
hysteria. It already happened
I'm sure. Maybe that was what
that big radiation storm was
all about on August 27.

I'm just trying to figure out:
Did I get left behind?


You're not supposed to put a
definite article before a
proper name in French or
English. Except when
referring to Le Donald.

Women tend to put "taste in
movies with a lasting
feeling" fairly low on the
list of mating criteria. But
any woman who would walk out
on a Bob Hope movie isn't
worth your time anyway.

Following you around and
making fun of you,


Fish With Letter Icon

you know what the saddest
thing is about making fun of
people? it's just so goddamn
easy. i mean, let's take a
look at stillman. he's one of
those guys who sat behind
you in algebra class and
sighed when the teacher
didn't call on him because he
was just so damn eager to
prove that he knew
everything. i remember
renting Metropolitan because
i accidentally confused it
with Metropolis. what a pile
of indistinguishable dreck.
it was like watching Revenge
of the Nerds
without the
jocks, beer, nudity, humor,
or tear-jerking pathos. if
hartley wasn't busy with his
gun, i would have taken it
and shot every one of those
shallow characters. kudos to
you. in this claustrophobic
society of "don't step on
anyone's toes," it's nice to
see some people still have
the balls to say, "hey, guess
what? you suck." and to
think, my ex-girlfriend used
to get mad at my best friend
and i because our favorite
pastime was going to the
local mall, sitting on a
bench, and making fun of
retards and old people. gosh,
are you guys looking for

Jason Richards

You're wrong: The movie you
rented was Metropolis. You
should have fast-forwarded to
the end, where Chris Eigeman
is revealed to be the silver
robotic woman.

Retardedly sitting on a bench
and making fun of smart


Fish With Letter Icon

After snoring for the last
eight business days to the
EGG Awards, skimming
paragraphs about people I've
never heard of, nor care to
and Neve Campbell, your ninth
installment of
got my attention. Like and
dislike of Hartley and
Stillman is one of those
dividing lines for the urban
hipster. I've always
considered strong dislike for
Hartley and Stillman to be an
indicator of attention
deficit disorder. I suppose I
just have an appreciation for
patience that you don't. Of
course, I don't have a daily
deadline. At the least,
you've finally picked some
geniuses for these awards of
yours, even though you've
rarely stuck to the theme
(Neve Campbell?). I would
nominate Kevin Williamson. Go
see all the Michael Bay
movies you want.

Jonesin' for Filler,

Stephen Spainhour

"Nile crocodiles, as
everybody knows, are also
frustrated actors." - Mr.

And this dividing line is
drawn by whom? Well, let us
tell you something, Mr.
Snoot: Suck isn't here to
satisfy the urban hipsters or
the one-upping artsy poseurs.
We take our mandate directly
from the American People:
the Alabama sharecropper's
daughter at her quilting bee,
the hearty Maine fisherfolk
who furnish the nation's
tables with the fruits of the
sea, the Nebraska family
farmer who tastes the season's
harvest and finds it good,
the Avenue U mechanic with a
Real Doll in his closet.

These are the people for whom
Suck speaks - not for you and your
coterie of plutocratic
country club dandies but for the
common people, the true
Americans, the multitudes
lifting their voices in a
single chorus to declare,
"Stone him! Stone him!"

Snoring for hundreds of
business days,


Fish With Letter Icon

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