The Fish
for 29 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Suck EGGs: Mark Willes


Jerry Ford was harmless? Are
you forgetting he was part of
the Warren Commission?

Jim Burrill

That depends on what your
definition of "harmless" is.



Fish With Letter Icon
Your Daily

Who in the hell are you guys
writing about? One day I told
myself to change my start-up
page to So, every
morning I wake to the
babbling diatribe from
someone named Moose or
PDQ4URME and I read and
wonder (to myself because the
snakes don't give a shit,
they just want me to throw
some live mice in the pen
every two weeks) who are you
writing about? These people,
that Roget Thesaurusese, the
slap and tickle of harmonics;
what is it for?

Don't get me wrong, I
haven't changed my start-up
page, but I'm just curious.
Or is it that because I was
born in the '60s that I've once
again fallen through the
cracks of The Great and
Transcendental Meaning of
America and Its Societal
Workings? Or is it simply
that I don't have the
foggiest idea what
you people are talking about
and I should either go back
to surfing for porn or
playing Rainbow Six and try
and get a job?

Thanks, and how can I
contribute to your magazine?

Nate Stinson

Congratulations, you've just

Now get a job.

Fish With Letter Icon
Suck EGGs: Michael Lind & David

Dear Sucksters:

From the current Suck: From
the 12 Apostles to Al-Anon's
Bill W. and Dr. Bob to your
brother-in-law ...

This is wrong information.
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Bill W.
and Dr. Bob have nothing,
absolutely nothing, to do
with Al-Anon. These white
boys founded Alcoholics
Anonymous, which, like the
pair, has nothing, absolutely
nothing to do with Al-Anon.
Two separate groups. Ask
them. (Can you say, "Fact

Al-Anon is for families of
alcoholics. Or lovers,
partners, good buddies, or
any other poor slob who wipes
up drunk puke and hates the
chore. Al-Anon was founded by
Lois W., wife of Bill W., who
wiped up her share of Bill's
puke (and put up with his
chronic womanizing, but
that's another column).

Alcoholics Anonymous and
Al-Anon have no
organizational connection at
all. It's an easy mistake to
make, thinking they do. But
they don't. Make a quick call
to AA headquarters and see.
An erratum notice would be
nice and would restore my
damaged faith in Suck.

P.S. Here's a cool Six Degrees
story you can have -
Alcoholics Anonymous and the
Nazi Party. True! AA was
derived from the Oxford
Groups, a Protestant
social/spiritual organization
that was real big in the USA
back in the 1930s. Bill and
Bob were both members of the
Oxford Groups, although they
didn't know each other in the
Oxford organization. Oxford
was founded by Frank Buchman.
Now, Buchman was a known Nazi
sympathizer. He was also a
buddy of Errol Flynn's, also
a suspected Nazi - as
reported by Charles Higham in
his bio of Flynn. Buchman
even used to vacation back in
Germany with Hermann Goering
until things got dicey on the
European travel front. The
Oxford Groups eventually
metamorphasized into Moral
Re-Armament, Inc., the folks
who bring us the shiny faces
of Up With People. Small
world, eh?


Hugh DiIorio

Well, we thought Al-Anon and
AA were just different
abbreviations, like Sci-Fi
and SF. We're really batting
triple zeros on the
fact checking lately.

Did you know that Glenn Close
was in Up With People before
she was a star? Or that
Hitler was a teetotaler?

The real question is why Lois
W. would do something so
perverse as to give her
organization such an easily
confused name. My guess - she
wanted the ability to tell
the names apart to serve as a
kind of sobriety test. To
keep out perv Nazis like
Errol Flynn.

Fish With Letter Icon

Fascinating "You Suck"

A more befitting title was
never bestowed on a Web page.
Nice links, you sell-outs. You
M.F.s must be from N.Y. or
Rasta's or somethin'. Bet ya
cried when Seinfeld quit.
It's amazing that in these
days of turbulent finance
that you can find sponsors.
Don't hold your breath, boys.
Ooops, P.C. alert - maybe use
guys got a babe onna staff.
Get a job.


We've got jobs, thanks to the
fact that we're sell-outs.
But, uh, we get paid for the
ads, not the links, genius.
And what do you do? Farm?
Tell us, what does it take to
keep it real? Do you have to
eat all-organic foods? Make
clay pots? Write slam poetry
for which you are never

Please write more often. We
need your little barbs to
keep us humble.

Fish With Letter Icon
Suck EGGs: Beastie Boys

Beastie Boys have released
five major albums.

Four of which contained lyric

So when you revolve an
article around a lyric sheet,
as if it was something new to
a Beastie album release ...

You openly blunder in your
attempt at true wit.

That's Sad,

"You made the mistake
you judge a man by his race;
you go through life with EGG
ON YOUR FACE; you woke up in
the morning with a peculiar
feeling; you looked up and
saw egg dripping from the
ceiling; families, punk
rocks, the businessman - I'll
dog anybody with an egg in my
hand; Not like the crack that
you put in a pipe, but crack
on your forehead; here's a
towel - now wipe!"

- guess whattie-whattie this
comes from? no. stop
guessing, morons. it comes
from the lyric sheet (oh no!
not that!) of the Beastie
Boys' SECOND full-length
album, and that would be FOUR
albums ago. *duh*

I hereby award you with your
own EGG ON YOUR FACE award
for being such dumb asses.

love american style,

What are you talking about,
re: the outrage surrounding
the Beastie Boys' use of
lyric sheets in their
"latest albums"? While I
agree with much of the
criticism presented in
this piece, this detail
is inaccurate: The Beastie
Boys included lyric sheets
as early as 1989 with
the album Paul's Boutique.

Jesse Friedman

To our readers:

These are just a few of the
scores of letters we have
received in response to our
apparently false implication
that the Beastie Boys have
only recently begun including
lyric sheets with their
albums. We are now reasonably
certain that the Boys' 1989
album Paul's Boutique did in
fact contain a lyric sheet,
although at press time we are
unable to confirm that anyone
except had
ever actually read it. Our
efforts to definitively
verify this fact have been
stymied by the realization
that this would involve
actually buying the album.

Suck makes every effort to
respond to reader concerns
about the accuracy of our
articles. Interestingly,
readers have in the past
neglected to point out such
inaccurate claims as:

"Zapata's plan to become a
Web content provider is
actually a smoke screen put
out by America's shadow
government of
superintelligent insect
warlords, Suck has learned."


"The Khalid Muhammed Variety
looks like UPN's first
breakaway hit of the season!"


"Clinton shoots man in Reno,
just to watch him die"


"Lycos signs deal to acquire
Wired Digital"

However, on the topic of
stoned, dorm-room
read-throughs of the Beastie
Boys' verses, our audience
appears to be both
knowledgeable and pro-active.
Suck regrets the error, and
as a special bonus to our
readers, we'd like to point
out that this error does, in
fact, negate the entire point
of the article in question.


Suck Janitorial Staff

Fish With Letter Icon

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