The Fish
for 27 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Suck EGGs: ABC's This Week

I'm glad to see Suck just
coming out and declaring
fatwa on droning anchorbots.
But I have two objections:

1) Don't you think it's noble
that ABC employs the mentally

2) You missed the true queen
bee of the blathering
classes, Stone Phillips. Now,
I thought now-infamous
saccharide Jack Perkins was
annoying back when he was
just an over-avuncular mook
on KNBC in LA - but he was
really small potatoes
compared to Stone Phillips,
who is like some prototype
for a race of fey, waxy
bipeds who communicate only
through nodding and
simpering. He must be stopped
before he propagates further.

Sean M. Burke

You must be a pretty
hard-hearted fellow to damn a
guy with hair as magnificent
as Stone's. If you're right,
and he truly is the
progenitor of a hunky new
race of Stones, well,
hubba-hubba! Bring 'em on!


Fish With Letter Icon

Your column was funny,
as always, but don't start
thinking that what you write
is true just because it's
entertaining. The gang at
This Week are the most
rational pundits on
television. Perhaps you find
them boring because they
don't go overboard each show
trying to force some kind of
edgy dialog. Watch
carefully how they handle
evasive politicians compared
to other hosts, e.g., Larry
King. After politely
listening to some spokesman
rattle off all the good
things his boss has done for
children, the question is
repeated: "Did Congressman
Such-and-Such vote for the
Internet censorship bill?"
Few political shows follow
through when they ask a tough


Dr. Jack Kennedy

Larry King is a broadcasting
genius, Dr. Jack, and don't
you forget it.

But "most rational" ...
you're joshing us, right?

Fish With Letter Icon

Lay off Cokie Roberts
already. Don't make me come
over there.

Robert Berger

Bring it on, motherfucker!
We've got a fresh can of
whoop ass with your name on
it right here.

Fish With Letter Icon

Grrr. Suggesting George
Will should be capped is
tops; however, attacking my
grrl Cokie is a low blow. She
is playing a man's game and
winning. Personally, I'd cut
her some slack. Heaping her
in with the rest of the
diatribe tribe is foul. Seems
to me there's a bit of
jealousy here about Sam
Donaldson's tall dollars and
money for nothin', hmmm? Cash
on the barrel for being a
pompous ass doesn't suck.

On another topic: Living on
the east coast, I am
impressed with your
commitment to have Suck in my
mailbox when I come into
work. Nothing starts your day
better than a great Suck!

K Redburn

"Playing a man's game"? Ever
heard of Nellie Bly? Ever
seen His Girl Friday?
Journalism has been one of
the few professions where
women have had a fighting
chance since before
electricity was invented.
When Cokie straps on a cup
and shoulder pads and shows
what she's made of on the
gridiron, we'll be

Fish With Letter Icon

Good Dog

Dear Sucksters:

As you may be aware, William
Goldman announced his
intention to vote for Jo-Jo
the dog-faced boy in
preference to any Republican.

I think that Suck would be
performing a necessary public
service if you were to
interview Jo-Jo and to ask
his opinion about the coming

NY Times, Op-Ed, "Finally
It's Nixon's Revenge"-

GM Pierce

We plan to vote for Mimi, the
pig-faced girl, in preference
to Jo-Jo the dog-faced boy.

Fish With Letter Icon

you fucking ego fucker? god
you have alot of spare time?
all huddled in front of you
computer screen? trying to
spread hate? you are a pretty
weak soul to actually make a
lame ass web page on this
crap? i mean you must be
scared of canadians cause we
wouldn't waste our time on
you! americans are so stupid,
you have the lowest grade
point average! and tell me
this buddy if we suck so bad
how come all the american
traveler's i have met stick a
big-ass canadian flag on
their backpack??? cause the
world hates you ... EH? asshole
y'all y'all what the hell is


That stings, man. I mean, the
other stuff is fine, but did
you have to make fun of our
grade point average? That's
hitting below the belt.

Feeling stupid and hated,


Fish With Letter Icon
I left several messages
on a Yahoo message board,
none of which are untrue. The
company that I left the
messages on has subpoenaed
AOL to release my real name.

Is there a way to stop AOL
from releasing my true name??

Jeff H

No, and if you try to get us
involved we'll say we never
heard of you.

Suck Legal Counsel

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: High School

Subject: Reunion crap

My reunion is in a year and a
half and I can't wait. Not
because I'm all geeked up on
seeing so-called friends or
"catching up," but because I
want to see all the sick,
fat, twisted whores and the
beer-bellied, pot-smokin',
balding, faggot dudes. I
wasn't a geek, I played
basketball, was in good shape,
and was popular. The thing
that I did have going against
me and the only regret I had
from high school is that I
was real churchy! You know, a
southern Baptist who tithed,
didn't drink, smoke, or have
sex. I went to church every
Wednesday and twice on
Sundays. What a sick bastard
I was. You could have put a
naked woman right in front of
me and I wouldn't have taken
that "cat" for a ride. I
guess that's why I went
ape-shit in college. Lots of
boozin' and sluttin'! I still
am in great shape, but I am
unmarried. It seems most
people that get married right
out of high school gain 600
pounds, have two or three
kids, develop lots of chest
and shoulder hair, grow a
goatee, and fart all the
time. Then get divorced right
before the reunion. Sux for
them! So I will be the
dickweed at the reunion
making fun of all you fat
sows and wondering how you can
have children that ugly and,
even better, bring them to a
public place. If your child
looks as if it was shat out
of a donkey then by all means
keep the damn thing inside
and under the covers. Oh
yeah, don't breast feed at
the fukin table either!!!! So
if you former cheerleaders
and band geeks out there are
reading and thinking this is
real rude, that's because it
is. I mean look at yourselves
... look at your stomach, you
don't have a waist, you have
several waists. There are
children starving in Africa
that could feed off you for
months! But don't cry,
there's always the power of
prayer fatties!

Houston, TX

You should really consider
taking Christ back into your
life, Chris. Clearly you've
made a big mistake.

Fish With Letter Icon

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