The Fish
for 23 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Space Oddity

Subject: Need to work on the
overly negative writing.

Most people don't have the
guts to work for 10 to 15
years just to get a shot at
putting there butt on the top
of a firecracker that has
about a 20 percent
possibility of turning you
into a crispy critter to "Go
where no man has gone
before," let alone doing it
again when you're in the
twilight of you life with the
possibility of never seeing not
only your kids, but your
grand kids ever again.
Remember the Challenger!

Additionally, this is a guy
who also had the guts to go
into politics. With the
climate we're in now, the
press lambastes anyone who
wrote their name in the snow
when they were young for
felony non-bathroom usage.

Frankly, I don't even like
John Glenn that much and am
not crazy about his politics,
but dissing him is even
beyond my ability to stomach
unless the name on the
article is a pseudonym for
Neil Armstrong.

R. Wychocki

Yer right: John Glenn has
more guts than a plate of
menudo. Not just to follow in
the spacesteps of a few
courageous dogs, monkeys, and
communauts, but especially to
go into the US Senate, where
he had to work almost half
the year spending other
people's money, creating
drug-free school zones, and
putting up with free parking
at National Airport (or
whatever it's called now to
commemorate that other brave
guy who had the guts - the
raw, squirming guts! - to
leave the brutal world of
showbiz for the even more
gruesome world of politics).
And he had only a 95 percent
chance of getting returned to
office after spending other
people's money on his
campaign. If it meant
anything coming from a
semi-man who plea-bargained
down from felony pissing in
the snow to a George
Michael-level misdemeanor
charge of failing to wash
hands after using a public
facility, I'd salute the man,
nay, the star-strider. But it
wouldn't, so I won't.

And indeed - remember the

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Members Only

The decade of no name ... the
decade of the penis ... the

Brigid Venables

Who let the Australians in
here? First, "Rod" Laver of
"Grand Slam" fame, then the
Bee Gees (never again!),
Olivia Newton John and Koala
Blue infamy, the whole Koala
Bear thing (just what we
need: ill-tempered,
diarrhetic evil monkeys with
minty fresh breath from
chowing on eucalyptus
leaves), Paul 'Ogan (that's
Australian for sad sack of
shit, mate). On the plus side
- what? Emma Samms? The guy
with the cool hat from Rat
Patrol? Bloomin' Onions at
the Outback Steakhouse? I
guess it does even out, Miss
Brigid Mary, especially if we
factor out The Outfield due
to sun spots.

Jingoistically yrs.,

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Is this a reference to the
Superman character? I don't
remember a penile connection.


It's called "repression,"
baby. And it works.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Mxyzptlk:

As author of the St. Martin's
Press book English as a
Second F*cking Language,
take a keen interest in the
sort of penetrating
journalism of which your
recent article is an
upstanding example. I'd like
to extend my best to you. On
behalf of myself and my
staff, I'd like to offer you an
honorary position as a Member
of my Distinguished Panel of

Well done!


Sterling Johnson

Thanks. I feel seven inches

Yours in wisdom,

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Mr. Mxyzptlk

Good column today in Suck -
penetrating insights. But
there's another aspect of the
decade you didn't probe that
would have given your point
an even finer polish: The
1990s has seen for the first time
American boys being able
to escape having the ends of
their penises chopped off.

Jim Burrill

Dear "Jim" (if that is your
real name):

Let's get one thing straight
between us: As evidenced by
rare agreement between Jews
and Muslims, circumcision is
A-OK; at any rate, it's far
less painful than the
Firesign Theatre.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

hello, sucker-er, seeker:

i'm not sure if you've ever
heard of the firesign
theatre? group of very odd,
psychedelically oriented
audio-only comedians, into
prognostication, media
commentary (before such a
thing existed), conspiracy
theories, and political
commentary ("you ain't got no
friends on the left" "you're
right!" "you ain't got no
friends on the right" "you're

they attained some cult fame
in the early '70s for albums
like everything you know is
(since ripped off by u2
and just about everybody
else), i think we're all
bozos on this bus
and don't
crush that dwarf, hand me the
fairly big following
among old-school net geeks.

btw, they have a new album
out: give me immortality or
give me death.
you should buy
it, just trust me. if you
hate it, return it. can get
it at amoeba, i think.
excellent unique commentary
on recent events, deals with
a fictional radio station on
the last day of the

more background here:

ANYWAY, my point in this is
that in 1974 they did an
album called how time flys
(actually, one of them got
credit, david ossman, but all
4 of them appeared on it) in
which they coined names for
all the decades, including
those that hadn't come yet. i
forget the '80s, but the '90s

The Naughty Naked Nineties

pretty damn appropriate, eh?

buy that cd, you'll enjoy it.
i guarantee it.

Matt Rosoff

You guarantee it? Who are
you, the Men's Wearhouse?
Just about the only way I'd
like the Firesign Theatre is
if it was in a Las Vegas
casino-hotel as it was
demolished. The great thing
about Amerika is that we can
agree to disagree. The bad
thing about Amerika is The
Firesign Theatre.


Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

It's The Decade of Decadence,
not of the Penis. (OK, call
it The Decadence Decade, if
you prefer. Or, if you're in
the mood for elegant
simplicity, how 'bout The

Anyhow, too many of us
without those phallic
critters attached at our
groin - or lips - are
slip-sliding, true to fin de
form, into a
state of utterly delicious
moral decline - marked by
insatiable hedonism and an
attitude. Trust me, this
decade is about a whole lot
more than penises and lips.
(Did you miss last week's NY
Times Sunday Magazine
what? It was like reading
Penthouse Forum.)

Uh-oh, I'd better get back to
work. By the way, you guys
Suck big time. Way more than
Salon or Slut - I mean Slate.

Trust me, baby, the fin de
millennium has nothing on,
oh, about the past 25 years
in terms of decadence. You
want decadence? Check out the
Three's Company cable channel
(and if you can't view the
Three's Company cable
channel, call your
fershlugin' cable operator!).
In the meantime, don't come
and not knock on my door.


Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Mxyzptlk,

Yes, them pesky penises, they
sure are abundant. As a life-
long admirer of the organ
male, I salute your efforts.
Of course, I have to point
out that a lot of cocks curve
just about every which way.
Makes me think you are
probably a straight guy,
which is OK by me. Some of my
best friends are straight.

And what about that Freud
guy? Was he right or what?
Some females and some males
have penis envy and it drives
'em nuts. I just don't get
why guys never get womb envy.

I have wondered if it's
merely having a penis that
gets to people, male or
female, or if it's the vastly
more complex process and
experience of having fun with
a penis that gets to people,
male or female. If you watch
the right-wingers on the
subject of we cocksuckers,
you begin to wonder if
they're just consumed with
envy of some kind. And since
we're fags, they get to vent
their envy upon us with
little retort or reprisal. If
they treated anyone else that
way, they'd get slapped down
good and hard. And so it

Hey, nothing in your story
about the endless fascination
with cock that we've pursued
for so long. Have you ever
been to the gay section of a
smut store? I mean, it is a
forest of hard cocks! After a
while, it all looks sorta
juvenile. Something like,
"Hey, dude, I got a boner!
Wanna see?"

I must say, I find the
juvenile aspect kinda funny.
It's like adulthood lite, or
something like that. And when
you look at it that way, the
frantic nonsense that
so-called adults come up with
is all the more remarkable.

Well, I sure don't have any
answers. Besides, what was
the question?


jack the hack

No, Jack, you sure don't have
the answers. In fact, it
seems you don't even have the
questions. And about that
Freud character, in the end,
he was right on target with
that cigar talk.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Nothing's Mocking



My company has installed
Novell Border Manager onto
our network, which is
supposed to be some sort of
anti-porn-surfing software
(because, presumably, we
children need careful
policing), and imagine my
surprise, terror, and dismay
to discover that Suck is on
the list of "forbidden

The software, the IT guys
tell me, consists of a
database that Novell
"researchers" generate of
naughty sites. It seems clear
that they saw your site name
and threw you on the list.
Can you contact Novell and
set them straight, or at
least mock them into

Until then, I am reduced to
reading you half-awake, in
the early morning, before
work, and suffering. I need
that hit at work.


Daniel Quinn

While we're touched by your
surprise, terror, and dismay,
what can we do to fix this
situation that you can't? Our
powers to mock others into
submission has waned greatly
over the years. Can't you
contact Novell (and others,
for that matter) for us? Has
the raw conviction of popular
outcry escaped you? The whole
point of grassroots movements
is to keep the little people,
like you, busy, scurrying to
and fro to fix the situation,
while the big lazy monkeys
(us) sit around and snack on
bananas all day and pray that
the little people will keep
the fresh fruit shipments on
a tidy schedule.

Anyway, now we've solved your
problem by diminishing the
fervor with which you
previously might have
dedicated yourself to our


Fish With Letter Icon

The Freeloadin' Mob Billin'

Dear Sucksters,

A couple of points to raise
in connection with Hit and
Run No. CXLVII. Your pricing
report of various online
magazines drips with envy. I
think you are miffed that the
freeloading masses (or is it
dozens?) would jump ship if
Suck asked for a meager
subscription fee. You're a
smart, smug little group: Why
don't you work a bit harder
to create respectable
alternatives to those pesky
banner ads?

Keep on Sucking!

Chris Gray
Toronto, Ontario

You, our readers, are a
smart, smug little group. Why
don't you work a bit harder
to create respectable
alternatives to our need for
income from those marvelous
ad banners?

Fight the powers that fee and
so on.


Fish With Letter Icon

Speaking Out Against The
Great Kornholio


how about a moratorium on
letters from that Kornheiser
fellow - he's become annoying
in an unfunny way (unlike the
sucksters, who are annoying
in a very funny way).

James Vlahakis

Our annoyingness is only
funny to a select handful of
individuals, Dr. K's
annoyingness is funny to
perhaps an even smaller
subsection. However, we, the
editors of Suck, belong to
that subsection. Plus,
sometimes he tells witty
stories and makes interesting
points. Not to cast a dour
glance on the vast majority
of the rest of our reader
mail, but suffice it to say
that The Great Kornholio
belongs to the Phi Beta Kappa
of Suck readers. A dubious
accolade, indeed.

Fish With Letter Icon

The Original Sin

Dear Creators of so-called

I decided to do the free
email thing through HotBot.
They offered for me to
receive your newsletter
everyday. In the description
of it, I think I remember
something about it being
humorous. The first
newsletter I received, I
agreed. Funny it was. The
last few days, however, I'm
not so sure. Actually, it has
sucked. I'm about to cancel.
Your talk of the elderly and
your extreme left-wing views
are pretty offensive. It also
gives me the impression that
there's not too much "brain"
running the organization
there. Guess what. I'm
21 years old and am holding
these views. I'm sure you
think all anyone our age
wants to do is run around and
have promiscuous sex and
defend President Clinton's
position till we're blue in
the face, but you're wrong.




No, no. You're the one who's
wrong. We think all anyone
your age wants to do is run
around and have promiscuous
sex (the best kind, after
all) with President Clinton
until you're blue in the

Here's a fresh topic for you:
You seem dumb. Much dumber
than even you suspect. Stay
in school. School's cool!


Fish With Letter Icon

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