The Fish
for 22 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Nothing's Mocking



My company has installed
Novell Border Manager onto
our network, which is
supposed to be some sort of
anti-porn-surfing software
(because, presumably, we
children need careful
policing), and imagine my
surprise, terror, and dismay
to discover that Suck is on
the list of "forbidden

The software, the IT guys
tell me, consists of a
database that Novell
"researchers" generate of
naughty sites. It seems clear
that they saw your site name
and threw you on the list.
Can you contact Novell and
set them straight, or at
least mock them into

Until then, I am reduced to
reading you half-awake, in
the early morning, before
work, and suffering. I need
that hit at work.


Daniel Quinn

While we're touched by your
surprise, terror, and dismay,
what can we do to fix this
situation that you can't? Our
powers to mock others into
submission has waned greatly
over the years. Can't you
contact Novell (and others,
for that matter) for us? Has
the raw conviction of popular
outcry escaped you? The whole
point of grassroots movements
is to keep the little people,
like you, busy, scurrying to
and fro to fix the situation,
while the big lazy monkeys
(us) sit around and snack on
bananas all day and pray that
the little people will keep
the fresh fruit shipments on
a tidy schedule.

Anyway, now we've solved your
problem by diminishing the
fervor with which you
previously might have
dedicated yourself to our


Fish With Letter Icon

The Freeloadin' Mob Billin'

Dear Sucksters,

A couple of points to raise
in connection with Hit and
Run No. CXLVII. Your pricing
report of various online
magazines drips with envy. I
think you are miffed that the
freeloading masses (or is it
dozens?) would jump ship if
Suck asked for a meager
subscription fee. You're a
smart, smug little group: Why
don't you work a bit harder
to create respectable
alternatives to those pesky
banner ads?

Keep on Sucking!

Chris Gray
Toronto, Ontario

You, our readers, are a
smart, smug little group. Why
don't you work a bit harder
to create respectable
alternatives to our need for
income from those marvelous
ad banners?

Fight the powers that fee and
so on.


Fish With Letter Icon

Speaking Out Against The
Great Kornholio


how about a moratorium on
letters from that Kornheiser
fellow - he's become annoying
in an unfunny way (unlike the
sucksters, who are annoying
in a very funny way).

James Vlahakis

Our annoyingness is only
funny to a select handful of
individuals, Dr. K's
annoyingness is funny to
perhaps an even smaller
subsection. However, we, the
editors of Suck, belong to
that subsection. Plus,
sometimes he tells witty
stories and makes interesting
points. Not to cast a dour
glance on the vast majority
of the rest of our reader
mail, but suffice it to say
that The Great Kornholio
belongs to the Phi Beta Kappa
of Suck readers. A dubious
accolade, indeed.

Fish With Letter Icon

The Original Sin

Dear Creators of so-called

I decided to do the free
email thing through HotBot.
They offered for me to
receive your newsletter
everyday. In the description
of it, I think I remember
something about it being
humorous. The first
newsletter I received, I
agreed. Funny it was. The
last few days, however, I'm
not so sure. Actually, it has
sucked. I'm about to cancel.
Your talk of the elderly and
your extreme left-wing views
are pretty offensive. It also
gives me the impression that
there's not too much "brain"
running the organization
there. Guess what. I'm
21 years old and am holding
these views. I'm sure you
think all anyone our age
wants to do is run around and
have promiscuous sex and
defend President Clinton's
position till we're blue in
the face, but you're wrong.




No, no. You're the one who's
wrong. We think all anyone
your age wants to do is run
around and have promiscuous
sex (the best kind, after
all) with President Clinton
until you're blue in the

Here's a fresh topic for you:
You seem dumb. Much dumber
than even you suspect. Stay
in school. School's cool!


Fish With Letter Icon

Broken Links

Hi! =)

Your link to

from your page at

doesn't seem to be working.



I'm glad you brought this
broken link to my attention.
Before including a link in
one of my columns, I usually
require the beneficiary Web
administrator to sign a
contract promising at least a
five-year continuance of the
page in question. The article
you read is only two years
old, so on the sliding scale
I stand to collect a few thou
- minus take for my lawyer,
my agent, and the lazy
children-of-a-bitch who run
this site. (Psst! Don't tell
them I called them lazy, or
their split automatically
goes up 5 percent). Consider
all of this free Internet
business advice - one sharp
motherfucker to another.

The only problem is when the
webmaster dies, which seems
to happen more often than I
wish, and always in the wrong
cases. BTW (;)), have you
heard of any search engines
that rank results according
to the sites' projected life

Also, re: the column: Is the
singer from Pantera dead yet?

Boycott UPN now!!!

DJ Abraham Lincoln

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Fabulous Class

Dear Polly,

I don't know who else to turn
to ... Dr. Paglia and Ms.
Weaver have rebuffed me. I
can not put this sad episode
in the national life behind
me and move on until the
question that plagues me is
put to rest.

Is fellatio non terminus ad
so common that it is not
worthy of any note? I thought
the natural form of male
sexual expression was
intrinsically goal-oriented
... preferable culminating in
prolific spuming on the
assistant's head. What was
Bill up to?! Is he some sort
of tantric yogi or did he
deliver the coup de
himself in
privacy? Wasn't he hobbled by
testicular edema until the
soonest hot bath?

You seem like a kind person,
a sort of worldly older
sister, please answer me. I
am afraid I have lost all
confidence in my
understanding of male
sexuality in the face of this


Mo Modot

Two quick but important

1. Worldly older sisters wear
patchouli oil and anklets
with little bells on them and
smooth tea-tree oil on their
crow's feet. I'm most
definitely not a worldly
older sister.

2. Hearing that I'm on your
short list with Camille
Paglia and Courtney Weaver
does not exactly bring me
tears of joy, although I do
appreciate the
un-self-conscious nature of
their, um, work.

Having thus spake, I'll try
to answer you
un-self-consciously: Men's
love of blow jobs tends to
overshadow pretty much
everything else in the world,
and they'll take what they
can get, at the risk of
dissatisfaction, blue balls,
impeachment, you name it.

Given the fact that their
basest need is also their top
priority, do you think it
wise to devote yourself so
completely to understanding
them? Studying meal worms
might be a little more

Becoming a worldly older
sister within the course of
writing this response,


Fish With Letter Icon

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