The Fish
for 21 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Broken Links

Hi! =)

Your link to
http://gwis2.circ.gwu.edu/~
pantera/music/Pantera/

from your page at
http://www.suck.com/daily/
96/08/16/

doesn't seem to be working.

KrIsSy
<krissy@peacefire.org>

Thanks!

I'm glad you brought this
broken link to my attention.
Before including a link in
one of my columns, I usually
require the beneficiary Web
administrator to sign a
contract promising at least a
five-year continuance of the
page in question. The article
you read is only two years
old, so on the sliding scale
I stand to collect a few thou
- minus take for my lawyer,
my agent, and the lazy
children-of-a-bitch who run
this site. (Psst! Don't tell
them I called them lazy, or
their split automatically
goes up 5 percent). Consider
all of this free Internet
business advice - one sharp
motherfucker to another.

The only problem is when the
webmaster dies, which seems
to happen more often than I
wish, and always in the wrong
cases. BTW (;)), have you
heard of any search engines
that rank results according
to the sites' projected life
span?

Also, re: the column: Is the
singer from Pantera dead yet?
Thanks!

Boycott UPN now!!!

DJ Abraham Lincoln

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Filler: Fabulous Class
Victims

Dear Polly,

I don't know who else to turn
to ... Dr. Paglia and Ms.
Weaver have rebuffed me. I
can not put this sad episode
in the national life behind
me and move on until the
question that plagues me is
put to rest.

Is fellatio non terminus ad
quo
so common that it is not
worthy of any note? I thought
the natural form of male
sexual expression was
intrinsically goal-oriented
... preferable culminating in
prolific spuming on the
assistant's head. What was
Bill up to?! Is he some sort
of tantric yogi or did he
deliver the coup de
gráce
himself in
privacy? Wasn't he hobbled by
testicular edema until the
soonest hot bath?

You seem like a kind person,
a sort of worldly older
sister, please answer me. I
am afraid I have lost all
confidence in my
understanding of male
sexuality in the face of this
conundrum.

Sincerely,

Mo Modot
<momodot@angelfire.com>

Two quick but important
clarifications:

1. Worldly older sisters wear
patchouli oil and anklets
with little bells on them and
smooth tea-tree oil on their
crow's feet. I'm most
definitely not a worldly
older sister.

2. Hearing that I'm on your
short list with Camille
Paglia and Courtney Weaver
does not exactly bring me
tears of joy, although I do
appreciate the
un-self-conscious nature of
their, um, work.

Having thus spake, I'll try
to answer you
un-self-consciously: Men's
love of blow jobs tends to
overshadow pretty much
everything else in the world,
and they'll take what they
can get, at the risk of
disappointment,
dissatisfaction, blue balls,
impeachment, you name it.

Given the fact that their
basest need is also their top
priority, do you think it
wise to devote yourself so
completely to understanding
them? Studying meal worms
might be a little more
fulfilling.

Becoming a worldly older
sister within the course of
writing this response,

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 
Enhanced Performance

Mr./Ms. Skinner,

Oh, I get it, you simply hate
baseball. You could have
saved us a whole lot of time
and effort by saying that in
the column's first line. You
could have also saved
yourself a lot of typing.

I've been reading Suck for a
few months here and have been
entertained by it. If I miss
a few days, I usually catch
up. I realize it's not meant
to be a comprehensive
information source, but I
assumed you had at least done
a reasonable amount of
research on the day's topic.

However, I'm a huge baseball
fan, so I went into Monday's
column knowing a lot more
than you about your subject
matter. Now, I don't expect
everyone to be a baseball
fan. If you hate the game, or
think it's too slow, or think
that the game was perfect in
the 1950s but it's been
ruined in the modern day,
that's fine. Everyone is
entitled to their opinion.
But if that's the case - if
you hate the game, or simply
have no interest in it, which
was obvious - then why write
about it? It would be like me
writing about country
line-dancing (which I hate!),
and passing it off as though
I had some special insight on
the subject.

I can only assume that this
is the same level of insight
that you have on the other
subjects you touch on. Again,
I never expected Suck to be a
comprehensive information
source, but I had assumed
that it wasn't deliberately
sloppy or spiteful for the
sake of being spiteful. I was
obviously wrong.

I'll be removing my Suck
bookmark and making a small
change to my morning routine.
It's a shame, because I
enjoyed reading it. But I
don't want to continue to
monitor your bitterness.

Don Busch
<busch_d@ociweb.com>

I have to tell you, though,
that I'm a huge baseball fan.
But there are limits to my
love. I'm not especially
interested in the posturing
of the game's
traditionalists, nor in the
alchemy of its obsessive
statisticians. (A home run is
a beautiful thing, but only
when it serves a higher
purpose - like adding to
Dennis Eckersley's blown
saves.)



Anyway, that's all beside the
point. I wasn't really
ranting about baseball
itself, so much as the
conflicted media coverage of
the peculiar myth-in-
the-making of Mark McGwire
and the conundrum of
performance-enhancing drugs.

I think you've given me a
glimpse of why baseball
writers are such patsies. The
passion of fans is an
intimidating thing, and the
moment you say something
critical about it or them,
you're stepping knee-deep in
it. (That, by the way,
explains why the guy who
broke the story about McGwire
and andro was summarily
chased out of the clubhouse
- accused of hating the
game.)

E. L. Skinner

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

The Great Alan Kornholio
Speaketh

Dear Skinnerperson:

I don't know; just because
your genetic code enabled you
to secrete more of some
hormone than my code did
should that give you a pass?
Pretty clearly, some people
are bigger and faster and
quicker and able to drink
more without throwing up
because their DNAs allow it.
Seems to me that letting
people take drugs so their
hormone levels swell to the
levels of the lucky few who
don't need to take drugs is
only fair. If we equalize the
blood chemicals, the
differential becomes how hard
you train and how smart you
train ... which is, when you
think about it, "fairer" than
just relying on the luck of
the genetic draw.

Alan Kornheiser

I think the real problem is
this: Given certain
biological gifts, and insane
training, most world-class
athletes deal with tiny
tolerances that separate the
champs from the hacks ...
hence the temptation is great
to use whatever technology is
available for that extra
edge.

Really no different from the
unwashed masses, when you
think about it. My pot of
French roast every morning
allows me to kick my wussie
co-workers butts and makes me
see my Folgers-chugging
father for what he is: a
weakling.

Best wishes for satisfactory
secretions -

E. L. Skinner

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Dearest E. L.,

Far be it from me to
criticize, but you seem to be
comparing apples and oranges
in your rant against Mark
McGwire. I am no authority,
but I was once a runner, and
I can tell you the edge that
Vitamin S provides in that
field is overwhelming and
should be carefully
monitored. But baseball, now
that's a horse of a different
color.

I know its the Suck way to
find an issue that seems like
mainstream fun and beat the
hell out of it, but your
acerbic aim is not true on
this one. McGwire has always
been a home-run hitter.
(Reference his rookie season,
when he was pencil thin, and
hit 49 ding-dongs.) The edge
that andro provides is that
it allows the athlete to
accomplish more during a
weight-training session, much
like the over-the-counter
supplement creatine. For
McGwire, such sessions during
the off-season helped prepare
him for an injury-free full
season.

In fact he was injury-free in
1997 and hit a measly 58
taters. Could andro have
provided that edge that got
him to 70? Unlikely. You make
no mention of Sammy Sosa or
the other two players who hit
50-plus jackaroos this season (a
major-league record). Is
everyone on andro? Is there
some
black-helicopter-opiate-of-
the-masses-let's-
keep-the-fools-
drooling-over-base-
ball-while-we-rule-the-
universe-trilateral-
commission at work here
pumping pharms into ball
players from all corners of
the globe? The answer is no.
The answer is expansion
pitching (we added two teams
to the majors this season),
thin-handled bats (faster
barrel speed), smaller ball
parks (I could hit a dinger
at Camden Yards), baseball in
Colorado (the air up there is
mighty thin), blah, blah,
blah. In short, the answer is
circumstance.

Now you may not believe me,
so here is a proposition.
Starting today, you can start
working out with andro. Hit
the batting cages, lift
weights, pump yourself full
of whatever mystery drug you
think might well help you. Do
this for a year. In that same
span, I will continue on the
self-destructive path of
seven cups of coffee a day
and sleeping on the couch in
front of the blaring TV every
night and killing my brain
with ungodly amounts of
bourbon. In a year, we can
meet wherever you like. I
will take my sorry-ass
fastball and hanging slider,
and you can try to hit one
300 feet. We'll see what
happens. Chances are that
ball's not going three feet,
let alone 300.

Waitin' for a reply,

Seamus McPhatso

P.S.: I want props for the
number of stupid terms I was
able to employ for saying
home run.

I think your "explanation by
way of circumstance" is right
on the money. The real
scandal here is National
League pitching.

Of course, it's silly to say
that McGwire's use of andro
really matters a wit. Which
is why I say let 'em take all
the "supplements" they want;
then we won't have all those
nagging moralists insisting
on a real or perceived
asterisk behind McGwire's
record (nor all the
uncharitable rumor-mongering
about FloJo).

Then again, if McGwire were
an Olympic weight lifter,
he'd be banned for life, no
matter how many four-baggers
he poked.

E. L. Skinner

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I must say that I am
impressed at your endearing
apathy for athletic
achievements. Lord knows that
superseding an achievement of
another is hardly worth
noting if you were wearing
strange clothes at the time.
Its not like sports are about
competition or anything, and
even if they were, they are
just for the vulgar lower
class. Oh yes, and I'm glad
you discredited Mr. McGwire's
achievement because he was
taking a legal supplement.
Without it, he would have
been as useless as a marathon
runner choking down some
over-the-counter carbs before
a race just to give him that
edge. I move that we abandon
physical competition
altogether and simply compete
by seeing who can include the
most exaggerated facts in a
single dialog.

Eric Savage
<esavage@chickering.com>

You've obviously got a good
handle on Suck-brand
hyperbole. Now, just
remember: Try to use your
powers for good!

Like I say - let 'em take all
the "supplements" they want,
then we won't have all those
nagging moralists insisting
on a real or perceived
asterisk behind McGwire's
record.

On the other hand, if he was
an Olympic weight lifter,
he'd be banned for life. And
that's not interesting?

Well, we'll keep working on
it.

E. L. Skinner

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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