The Fish
for 19 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Having Trouble Coping?

OK guys ... i just wanted to
write in and tell you that i
think your last Suck Daily
"Having Trouble Coping?
Again?" is in no way cutting
edge. i have been practicing
this shit for years. When the
stress rears its ugly head
in my direction, where do i
turn? Why yes, i walk down to
the corner and buy a huge bag
of weed and toke toke toke
till the cows come home. You
guys are a little behind the
times here. i think you
really need to pick up the
pace. Also, i would like to
submit to you an idea for
using all three of your
"cutting edge" ideas in
unison. I have been smoking
pot AND lowering my
expectations of the world
around me AND thought about
how i could have caused
my dilemmas for as long as i
can remember (which is
sometime around last week).
Furthermore, I'll have you
know that i totally bombed
your quiz at the end, i
answered D to all three of
the questions. You see, i can
practice all three of your
theories AND maintain a
somewhat normal perception of
the world we live in. Too bad
i still haven't mastered the
art of talking on the phone
and having my
wang-dang-doodle sucked at
the same time. Oh well, good
thing i'm not president.

De Crazy Taco

Always refreshing to get
another insightful, inspired
note from one of our faithful
readers. Nothing quite like
the sound of
self-flagellating potheads
with low expectations waxing
philosophic on
wang-dang-doodling. The
rewards of this job are
without measure.

Dedicated to maintaining our
razor-sharp edge,


Fish With Letter Icon

Enhanced Performance

Skinner -

The president got some
service in the Oval Office to
which Sucksters everywhere
reply "so what?" I joined in
the general chorus decrying
our national pastime of Sex
Gossip. But you get your
knickers in a bunch because
Mark McGwire uses legal
drugs. Hmm.

While I admit the hypocrisy
in the national media is
annoying (anyone who thinks
cheating on your wife and
lying about it is a federal
offense probably thinks drugs
are "sinful" as well), your
attempt to soil a decent
record set fair and square
seems a tad tawdry.

It has been a very slow news
summer from an American point
of view. Granted, the BBC has
found lots of things to talk
about - on a daily basis.
Even this morning, while San
Francisco's KQED preempted
Morning Edition to do live
coverage of the Senate
hearings, the BBC realized
that attempted genocide in
Eastern Europe should have
top billing. Still, to the
average Isolationist, I mean
US news anchor, this idea of
an orgasm underneath
Roosevelt's desk seems the
best thing going.

McGwire's homers - assisted
or not - seem a welcome
break from Bill's admittedly
assisted but unsuccessful
hummers. If the American
public needs the heroics of
the Coliseum to distract it
from the the idiotics of the
media, that's fine by me. I,
for one, was damn happy to
see McGwire & Co. spice
up the headlines. Besides,
with his new bulk-and-buff
bod, he looks better in
pajamas than either Lewinsky
in a blue dress or Clinton
and Starr in suits.

Bill Bailey

I suppose you're right: It's
just our natural desire to
soil everything equally,
without prejudice ...
although you guess wrong
about what gets my knickers
in a bunch.

The only thing more
scandalous than the media
throwing softballs at McGwire
and ignoring Sosa is their
tight-lipped refusal to
acknowledge that this could
only happen in the National
League - where the pitcher
has been all but replaced by
the designated belly-itcher.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

I know that as a word smith
everyone else has the good
stories and you are stuck
pontificating on a Web page
that has limited readership
but with all the things going
on in the world do you really
have to after Ripken and
McGuire? To what end? I mean
all your colleagues are
running down the president
and telling us how big a
scandal things are. You'll
notice that most people like
yourself are not held in too
high esteem anymore. It's not
that anyone wants a
Pollyanna-ish view of the
world, but can't any of you
just follow a lead rather
than always going with the
negative or trying to be
Woodward? I mean, a man in
pajamas hitting a bunch of
stones is news because the
motions of hitting stones
with power and any kind of
regularity is very difficult
to do for most people. Or
were you one of those who
never got picked and now
you're getting even by
running down people who
excel? Whatever the case, if
you want to take a dump on
life, know that this type of
"writing" will not be read by
most and now by one less.,

Please be assured that you
just caught us taking a
little breather from our
coverage of obscure incidents
like the crumbling global
economy, genocide in Eastern
Europe, and the untimely
death of the national sense
of humor.

But enough about us. What's
up with this "president
scandal" thing?

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

I don't want this to sound
like hate mail, I just wanted
some feedback from you. In
your article you had a good
point or two about illegal
use of steroids in
professional sports. But you
hit FloJo damn hard. Her
family is still grieving, and
that just isn't right.


Charlie Gafford

You're right, of course. My
only excuse is this: I wanted
to just say it, without a lot
of equivocation. Seems to me
a big part of the problem
here is how conflicted
everyone is about drugs and
sports, and that shows in
most of the lame reporting
that goes on in the sports
pages. If we can agree that
pharmaceuticals are fine
(just another technology,
after all), then so be it,
and we can stop all the petty
moralizing. Then there'd be
no sting to the rumors about
this honorable athlete.

Best regards -

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run


Suck's ethics may have passed
the sniff test with the Henry
Hyde (non)story, but failed
miserably with the humorous,
but very unoriginal,
reference to Salman Rushdie's
upcoming book Buddha, You
Big Fat Son of A Bitch.

When Rushdie's death sentence
made the news a few years
ago, I remember comedian
Lenny Clarke making a joke
about Rushdie's new book
Buddha, You Fat Bastard.

Is Mike Barnicle writing for
you now?

Rick Delahanty

What joke? We thought Rushdie
really was working on this

This Lenny Clarke guy sounds
like a joke borrower himself.
We've had other angry mail
attributing the Buddha gag to
George Carlin, Henny
Youngman, Letterman's Top 10
List, Bobcat Goldthwaite, and
Yahoo Serious. We heard this
one first in 1989, from a fat
guy we went to high school

We were fully aware the joke
would be recognized from its
decade-old incarnation, but
expected that our readers
would be delighted to see a
beloved old Who's-on-First
chestnut resurrected one last
time. We never imagined,
after years of slaving over a
hot comedy stove to serve
fresh jokes for free on a
daily basis, that our one
nostalgia item would be
picked apart by a bunch of
nit-picking Goodtime Charlies.

Actually, we did imagine
that, and had our response
prepared ahead of time:
Thanks for writing,

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sucksters,

To quote today's Suck:

"... adds he is keeping busy
with the long-awaited
follow-up title, Buddha, You
Big Fat Son of a Bitch.

I am disappointed by your
feeble joke-recycling - I can
carbon-date that joke back to
the '80s. You Sucksters have
stained the altar of satire
with your pathetic laziness,
and I am tempted to issue my
very own fatwa against your
writers, editorial staff, and
techies (I will spare the
cleaning staff). I demand
that you refund my
subscription fee, or
alternatively you can post
this letter and help me
achieve my extremist Canadian
political aims. Oh, who am I
kidding? Fuck the politics -
I can't even decide how to
pronounce Salman: Is it
"Sol-man", "Sol-mon," or
"Sam-un" (like the fish)? Now
enough of you, I must return
to my lifelong pursuit of
sculpting Mount Rushdie.

Chris Gray
Toronto, Ontario

Stained the altar of satire?
The altar of satire has been
stained with the blood of the
innocent and the gullible for
years before we came along.

Or, rather, thanks for
writing, fuckface.

Pathetically lazy,


Fish With Letter Icon

Having Trouble Coping?

Dear Polly:

Most excellent. I'm sure that
only space limitations caused
you to leave out the fourth
system, attributed to the
renowned therapist Mel
Brooks: The therapist
determines the nature of the
problem; grabs the patient
briskly by the shoulders;
shakes the patient roughly
but not unkindly; and
says ... "This thing you're
doing; don't do that."

Alan Kornheiser
The Doctor Is IN Therapy

That pretty much sums it up,
doesn't it? Not only is most
depression just that simple
and just that impossible, but
our reaction to those who are
depressed amounts to the
same. "I have a hole inside;
I'm empty!" they say, and we
find ourselves empty of
empathy. Depressed people are
like smoked oysters in a can
- you really have to be in
the mood. But then, what
doesn't fit that description?



Fish With Letter Icon

You've been in therapy WAY
too long. Perhaps you should:
a. Get a real job.
b. Fuck your shrink.
c. Get over it.

It worked for me.

Marc Butler

I've never been in therapy.
Perhaps you should:
a. Get over yourself.
b. Rinse.
c. Repeat.

It worked for me.


Fish With Letter Icon

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