The Fish
for 16 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit & Run


Suck's ethics may have passed
the sniff test with the Henry
Hyde (non)story, but failed
miserably with the humorous,
but very unoriginal,
reference to Salman Rushdie's
upcoming book Buddha, You
Big Fat Son of A Bitch.

When Rushdie's death sentence
made the news a few years
ago, I remember comedian
Lenny Clarke making a joke
about Rushdie's new book
Buddha, You Fat Bastard.

Is Mike Barnicle writing for
you now?

Rick Delahanty

What joke? We thought Rushdie
really was working on this

This Lenny Clarke guy sounds
like a joke borrower himself.
We've had other angry mail
attributing the Buddha gag to
George Carlin, Henny
Youngman, Letterman's Top 10
List, Bobcat Goldthwaite, and
Yahoo Serious. We heard this
one first in 1989, from a fat
guy we went to high school

We were fully aware the joke
would be recognized from its
decade-old incarnation, but
expected that our readers
would be delighted to see a
beloved old Who's-on-First
chestnut resurrected one last
time. We never imagined,
after years of slaving over a
hot comedy stove to serve
fresh jokes for free on a
daily basis, that our one
nostalgia item would be
picked apart by a bunch of
nit-picking Goodtime Charlies.

Actually, we did imagine
that, and had our response
prepared ahead of time:
Thanks for writing,

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Sucksters,

To quote today's Suck:

"... adds he is keeping busy
with the long-awaited
follow-up title, Buddha, You
Big Fat Son of a Bitch.

I am disappointed by your
feeble joke-recycling - I can
carbon-date that joke back to
the '80s. You Sucksters have
stained the altar of satire
with your pathetic laziness,
and I am tempted to issue my
very own fatwa against your
writers, editorial staff, and
techies (I will spare the
cleaning staff). I demand
that you refund my
subscription fee, or
alternatively you can post
this letter and help me
achieve my extremist Canadian
political aims. Oh, who am I
kidding? Fuck the politics -
I can't even decide how to
pronounce Salman: Is it
"Sol-man", "Sol-mon," or
"Sam-un" (like the fish)? Now
enough of you, I must return
to my lifelong pursuit of
sculpting Mount Rushdie.

Chris Gray
Toronto, Ontario

Stained the altar of satire?
The altar of satire has been
stained with the blood of the
innocent and the gullible for
years before we came along.

Or, rather, thanks for
writing, fuckface.

Pathetically lazy,


Fish With Letter Icon

Having Trouble Coping?

Dear Polly:

Most excellent. I'm sure that
only space limitations caused
you to leave out the fourth
system, attributed to the
renowned therapist Mel
Brooks: The therapist
determines the nature of the
problem; grabs the patient
briskly by the shoulders;
shakes the patient roughly
but not unkindly; and
says ... "This thing you're
doing; don't do that."

Alan Kornheiser
The Doctor Is IN Therapy

That pretty much sums it up,
doesn't it? Not only is most
depression just that simple
and just that impossible, but
our reaction to those who are
depressed amounts to the
same. "I have a hole inside;
I'm empty!" they say, and we
find ourselves empty of
empathy. Depressed people are
like smoked oysters in a can
- you really have to be in
the mood. But then, what
doesn't fit that description?



Fish With Letter Icon

You've been in therapy WAY
too long. Perhaps you should:
a. Get a real job.
b. Fuck your shrink.
c. Get over it.

It worked for me.

Marc Butler

I've never been in therapy.
Perhaps you should:
a. Get over yourself.
b. Rinse.
c. Repeat.

It worked for me.


Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Reunited

Tips for the reunion:
Wear your most It-girl
outfit. (Or at least try not
to wear a dress made out of
two old prom gowns.) Give
hours of thought to selecting
your cutest little retro
purse, interesting jewelry,
and hair accessories. No one
will realize how very cool
each item is but you'll know.

Get a manicure, but clear
polish only. No need to make
a nail statement; you're
understatedly elegant (and
they all would expect some
freaky color anyway).

Go light on makeup. Every
other woman will be wearing
way too much. Look girlish.

Find the most attractive man
you know and pay him to
accompany you. Offer him a
job at Suck, whatever - it is
imperative your date is

After the guy cancels on you
at the last minute, drive
over to the reunion anyway.
Sit in your car with a bottle
of gin. Listen to songs like
"The Stars of Track and Field,"
by Belle and Sebastian.
Feel superior. Curse all of
the good-looking couples
walking in. Laugh at all of
the skinny girls who are fat
now. See, it's just like high

After everyone has gone in,
sneak out of your car and
spray-paint " Fuck
www" on the pavement and
drive home. What a surprise
for all when they see that!

High school is a war and
you've won.


Margot Patrick

I didn't take a date, didn't
do my nails, and didn't
accessorize, but I did wear
dark lipstick for the second
time in my entire life and
ended up looking more like an
over-the-hill thrift-shop
counter girl than anything
else. I enhanced this image
by throwing back several Long
Island Iced Teas and cooing
loudly over laminated baby

I don't know about the war,
but I definitely lost that
battle. Still, it's fun to
replay some of the hauntingly
realistic battle scenes from
that night over and over
again in my head. Gives you a
whole new respect for those
who survived.


Fish With Letter Icon

If it's any consolation, you
can truly look forward to the
20th reunion. Almost everyone
who this time had wonderful
marriages and promising
careers will be "between
positions" and "trying to
work things out." You,
however, and the other
misfits in your class will
have found creative niches in
the global economy and
slightly scandalous but
intriguing relationships to
hint darkly about. At the
30th, all of the survivors
will find a remarkable
commonality of situation.
Don't go to that one, either.

John Saltzman
Class of '67

I'm not sure I know how to
"hint darkly." I think
"droning endlessly" or
"digressing needlessly" is
more accurate.

But thanks for the advice.


Fish With Letter Icon

Fishy Fish

You guys are pretty funny.
You fashion a moderately
interesting zine mostly out
of irony, and then you never
display an iota of irony when
people write in. Is it just
that you don't get any mail?
Using various silly email
aliases, I've written in
about five or six times to
you guys. Every single email
has been printed. Most of
them are pretty silly, and
about half of them are mainly
fabricated. Most of them you
guys slammed, never
considering the option that
they were designed to gauge
your reaction rather than
proving any actual point. But
you've confirmed my original
suspicion - your email
section is geared to either
showing how cool and
sarcastic your putdowns can
be or to further prove your
points. But I still like you
guys - why else would I keep
reading and writing? In
response to this message, I
predict you'll say what a
loser I am for one or more of
the following reasons:
fabricating stories to send
in to Suck, keeping track of
which are being printed, and
being proud that they are
printed (all of which are, to
some degree, true). Then, a
bit later, you'll realize
that maybe all of this
message has been fabricated

Heironymous Bosch

Oooo, dodgy!
You sure have our number!

Fish With Letter Icon

Excuse me, I saw the use of
"cocksucker" as a disparaging

To quote my good friend
Darlene, "Don't think of a
cocksucker as a bad man, but
rather, as a good woman."

My opinion is that POTUS was
rather selfish by not
reciprocating the generous
attention he received. If he
was engaging in sexual
escapades, he should have
gone all the way. He should
have made sweet love to her
in the Oval Office. The kind
of sex where lamps get
knocked over and one gets
carpet burns on one's
forehead. The sort of sex
where you have to change the
sheets two or three times.
Imagine how different this
would have been if Ms. L had
breathlessly testified that
the POTUS was the best lover
in the world. If, instead of
a dissatisfied lover, there
was a woman glowing with the
memory of some incredible,
wonderful times. It would
have been better for
everyone. EVERYONE.

To again quote my good friend
Darlene, "The most important
thing in the world is the
female orgasm."

Simon Adkins

The sort of sex where you
have to change the sheets two
or three times? Meaning the
sort of sex you have with

Fish With Letter Icon

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