The Fish
for 15 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit









	
Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Filler: Reunited

Tips for the reunion:
Wear your most It-girl
outfit. (Or at least try not
to wear a dress made out of
two old prom gowns.) Give
hours of thought to selecting
your cutest little retro
purse, interesting jewelry,
and hair accessories. No one
will realize how very cool
each item is but you'll know.

Get a manicure, but clear
polish only. No need to make
a nail statement; you're
understatedly elegant (and
they all would expect some
freaky color anyway).

Go light on makeup. Every
other woman will be wearing
way too much. Look girlish.

Find the most attractive man
you know and pay him to
accompany you. Offer him a
job at Suck, whatever - it is
imperative your date is
manilicious.

After the guy cancels on you
at the last minute, drive
over to the reunion anyway.
Sit in your car with a bottle
of gin. Listen to songs like
"The Stars of Track and Field,"
by Belle and Sebastian.
Feel superior. Curse all of
the good-looking couples
walking in. Laugh at all of
the skinny girls who are fat
now. See, it's just like high
school!

After everyone has gone in,
sneak out of your car and
spray-paint "suck.com. Fuck
www" on the pavement and
drive home. What a surprise
for all when they see that!

High school is a war and
you've won.

yrs,

Margot Patrick
<mpatrick@bluestone.com>

I didn't take a date, didn't
do my nails, and didn't
accessorize, but I did wear
dark lipstick for the second
time in my entire life and
ended up looking more like an
over-the-hill thrift-shop
counter girl than anything
else. I enhanced this image
by throwing back several Long
Island Iced Teas and cooing
loudly over laminated baby
pictures.

I don't know about the war,
but I definitely lost that
battle. Still, it's fun to
replay some of the hauntingly
realistic battle scenes from
that night over and over
again in my head. Gives you a
whole new respect for those
who survived.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

If it's any consolation, you
can truly look forward to the
20th reunion. Almost everyone
who this time had wonderful
marriages and promising
careers will be "between
positions" and "trying to
work things out." You,
however, and the other
misfits in your class will
have found creative niches in
the global economy and
slightly scandalous but
intriguing relationships to
hint darkly about. At the
30th, all of the survivors
will find a remarkable
commonality of situation.
Don't go to that one, either.

John Saltzman
Class of '67

I'm not sure I know how to
"hint darkly." I think
"droning endlessly" or
"digressing needlessly" is
more accurate.

But thanks for the advice.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Fishy Fish

You guys are pretty funny.
You fashion a moderately
interesting zine mostly out
of irony, and then you never
display an iota of irony when
people write in. Is it just
that you don't get any mail?
Using various silly email
aliases, I've written in
about five or six times to
you guys. Every single email
has been printed. Most of
them are pretty silly, and
about half of them are mainly
fabricated. Most of them you
guys slammed, never
considering the option that
they were designed to gauge
your reaction rather than
proving any actual point. But
you've confirmed my original
suspicion - your email
section is geared to either
showing how cool and
sarcastic your putdowns can
be or to further prove your
points. But I still like you
guys - why else would I keep
reading and writing? In
response to this message, I
predict you'll say what a
loser I am for one or more of
the following reasons:
fabricating stories to send
in to Suck, keeping track of
which are being printed, and
being proud that they are
printed (all of which are, to
some degree, true). Then, a
bit later, you'll realize
that maybe all of this
message has been fabricated
also.

Meta-yours,
Heironymous Bosch
<boschster@hotmail.com>

Oooo, dodgy!
You sure have our number!

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Excuse me, I saw the use of
"cocksucker" as a disparaging
insult.

To quote my good friend
Darlene, "Don't think of a
cocksucker as a bad man, but
rather, as a good woman."

My opinion is that POTUS was
rather selfish by not
reciprocating the generous
attention he received. If he
was engaging in sexual
escapades, he should have
gone all the way. He should
have made sweet love to her
in the Oval Office. The kind
of sex where lamps get
knocked over and one gets
carpet burns on one's
forehead. The sort of sex
where you have to change the
sheets two or three times.
Imagine how different this
would have been if Ms. L had
breathlessly testified that
the POTUS was the best lover
in the world. If, instead of
a dissatisfied lover, there
was a woman glowing with the
memory of some incredible,
wonderful times. It would
have been better for
everyone. EVERYONE.

To again quote my good friend
Darlene, "The most important
thing in the world is the
female orgasm."

Simon Adkins
<sadkins@roanoke.edu>

The sort of sex where you
have to change the sheets two
or three times? Meaning the
sort of sex you have with
obsessive-compulsives?

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I-Can-Change, I-Can-Change

Just wanted to give kudos to
whomever wrote the article on
Marilyn Manson. I am not a
fan of his, but enjoyed the
article and was surprised to
find myself interested in it.
Thanks for holding my
interest ... it's my first
time visiting this site ...
do you change everything
daily?

<CARICKTER1@aol.com>

Yes, we change everything
daily: underwear, hairstyles,
socks, shoes, accessories,
attitudes, friends, lovers,
gripes, grudges, alliances,
perspectives, venues,
sceneries, addresses,
plans.... Everything. We are
ever changing, constantly
shifting everything in every
way. This is often referred
to as being "unpredictable"
or "spontaneous." It's also
sometimes referred to as
being "one moody son of a
bitch." See also: "Mr./Ms.
Flinchy," "squirrelly,"
"shifty," "dodgy,"
"indecisive," "annoying as
fuck," "more restless than a
heifer on an anthill.*"

*Ross Perot, 1992

Dodging,

Sucksters

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Filler: Reunited

Today's was funny, yet
poignant. Maybe I'm wrong,
but if you didn't enjoy high
school that much, why go to
the reunion?

Ted Sturk
<ted@mail.light.on.ca>

Because the times that you
actually did enjoy high
school (although they're
somewhat obscured by the haze
brought on by multiple peach
wine coolers) don't come back
to you until you've committed
to go to the reunion. Then
you spend the week beforehand
thinking about all the little
happy moments you've buried
away beneath the more obvious
alienating, disenchanting,
and depressing times.

Then you go to the reunion,
where you talk to a bunch of
weird adults who you used to
know as children.

But you'll never get the
whole story unless you go
back.

Or unless you never leave.
Take your pick.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Polly,

Lets face it: High school
reunions suck. As a warning
to all who plan to return for
one, I list below the
realizations I came to after
attending my 10-year reunion.

1) The people who were
assholes then are assholes
now. If you didn't like them
then, you won't like them
now. What made them assholes
then doesn't change in 10
years (or 20 or 30 for that
matter). The only thing you
can hope for is that they'll
die between now and the next
reunion so you can spend some
time pissing on their grave.

2) Sometimes, the best thing
about adolescence is that it
ends (or so I hear).
Unfortunately, many of those
who attend reunions view
their high-school years as
"The best years of my life."
In other words, they're still
adolescents, and, yes, they
want to behave like it.

3) Those who still live near
the high school are typically
the class losers - those who
were voted Least Likely to
Succeed. At the reunion, in
order to help them get over
their lack of talent, they
will drink way too much, then
steal the microphone and make
a teary-eyed speech about how
much they love everyone, then
knock everyone down like so
many dominoes when you're
lined up for the Class
Picture. Fun, fun, fun, till
someone finally puts a bullet
in their brain.

4) Someone, at some time,
will stand up and announce
that they're an Investment
Banker. This part really
sucks. Especially at the
10-year reunion - I mean, who
can legitimately call
themselves an IB after only
10 years out of high school?
(Someone who's daddy set them
up, that's who, goddammit!!
No, I'm not bitter.)

5) At some point in the
evening, for anyone having
graduated between the years
1976 and 1985, they will play
Barbara Streisand's
"Memories." Or worse, the
female lead from all the
high-school plays will
actually sing it.

There are, fortunately, some
fun parts to the reunion -
these are the parts that make
it bearable:

1) You'll see the former
athletes are all 50 pounds
overweight now.

2) You'll see the high-school
beauty queens are still using
blue eye shadow.

3) If you're lucky, among the
awards the master of
ceremonies will feel
compelled to give out, there
will be: The award for most
children!! Yes! They really
do want to give an award to
someone based on their
fertility and inability to
properly use birth control.
The couple who won at my 10th
had six kids. Amazing. Of
course, I went to Catholic
school, so this really
shouldn't surprise me.

4) You'll get to hear that
the psychopath who used to
terrorize you on the bus was
killed recently in a drug
deal gone bad. Finally, a
reason to cheer for the DEA.

There are some good parts to
reunion - you'll get to see
how the geeks and nerds in
the class (like you) have
actually bloomed into
responsible, successful
adults (all right, maybe just
adults). And you'll get to
see people who you actually
liked and find out how
they're doing. But of course
you'll never see them again,
except at another reunion,
because you have nothing in
common with them anymore.

Reunions are like baited
traps for us humans - the
bait is the illusion of
enjoying the warm glow of the
past. It lures us in, and then
we discover we've fallen into
the pit lined with punji
sticks.

Stop the madness, just say
"No, I won't go."

Randy
FORE Systems.
We're
from Pittsburgh. We build
networks that last. Networks
of Steel.

Speaking of building networks
of steel ... you're building
walls, Randy. Why can't you
open up your little heart and
love a little? What's so
scary about that, huh? Punji
sticks, indeed!

But seriously, after about
six or seven years out of
high school, shouldn't the
resentment you feel toward
the people there have faded
at least a little? I mean,
how many wedgies did you get,
buddy?

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I will tell my oft-told
reunion story once again. I
love my oft-told reunion
story. I hope you never read
it on a listserv or
something.

I went to my high-school
reunion 18 months ago and a
guy I was good friends with
in junior high (but didn't
really hang around with that
much in high school) comes up
to me. I knew he was doing
Web sites and I knew he had
been fired from his job and
ended up working at Egghead
Computers. So we're talking
and he starts reminiscing
about stories I didn't
remember. Parties we
supposedly went to, things
our gang of friends did at
the beach, etc. I'm starting
to worry about my memory when
he talks about a group of us
going skiing, and I never went
skiing in high school. Then I
realize he's repeating part
of the plot from the movie
Hot Dog. I tell him he's
wrong and explain that the
scene was from Hot Dog, but
he ignores me and keeps
telling these outlandish
stories. A group of us has
gathered around now and he's
telling everyone this story
of me getting busted for pot
possession at band, camp. Now
I was never in the band and I
was a straight-edge kid in
high school. People are
starting to fidget because
they know I wasn't in band
with them, but everyone
eerily smiled and didn't
contradict him. It was
beautiful, the guy was
completely out of his mind.
When he started talking about
his high-powered computer job
I was ecstatic, since I knew
the details from his
ex-co-worker. I later found
out from someone that he
lives in his parents'
basement and mows lawns for
cash.

OK, so beyond that the
evening was basically me
talking to the guy who "came
out" at the prom as we made
fun of the married-with-kids
group. But the lonely, hetero
punk girls always dealt with
high-school society by
hanging out with gay guys;
why can't aging, punk, hetero
guys do the same? I ask you,
who has the right to judge?

Don Smith

<dsmith@health.org>

Wow, I did the same thing as
that crazy guy. But maybe
that's because my first
boyfriend looked exactly like
the movie clerk in Fast Times
at Ridgemont High
who tells
the other guy to play Led
Zeppelin III, side 2 (or IV,
side 3, I can't remember ...
is there such a thing?). I
think he hooks up with Phoebe
Cates eventually. I look
nothing like Phoebe Cates.
But I hear she's mowing lawns
for cash now.

Polly

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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