The Fish
for 12 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Clown Act

Enjoyed today's piece a lot.
But is Clinton any more or
less complicitous than anyone
else right now? Thanks for
informing on that Safe School
Act - an awe-inspiring piece
of pork that makes me realize
I'm really not worthy to be
an American.

Ted Sturk

Jesus - it's worse than we
thought. It's ineffective,
it's a waste of money ... and
it exposes us as a nation to
the perils of Canadian

What was Congress thinking?

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Though I laugh with you at
the silliness of the
anti-drug programs, and
though I also know that DARE
has never - never - been
shown to work, yet I wonder
at those who rightfully
condemn our anti-drug
programs but have no
sensible, proven alternative
to offer. Do we just say: Do
what the fuck you want?
Legalize drugs? Another way
of saying: it is not enough
to condemn a program. You
need to offer something one
cannot laugh at in its place.
If you ain't part of the
solution, you're part of the
problem - remember that


Well, how 'bout this
two-pronged approach:

1.) Drugs are illegal. Get
caught with them, by cops who
respect the law themselves
and are not overly intrusive
or abusive, and you'll be
punished in a measured,
reasonable way, in accordance
with thoughtful laws authored
by legislators who have a
sense of priorities, of

2.) Absolutes are
unobtainable. Some people
will use illegal drugs and
get away with it, and we
accept that catching all of
them, or preventing all of
them from using, costs more -
in money, in freedom, in
energy, and attention - than
it's worth. Recognizing that
people who get caught will
probably have done something
to bring attention to themselves,
caught stealing to support
a habit, say. So people who
don't get caught are more
often paying for drugs with
their own money, buying from
a dealer they know rather
than buying on the street
corner where your kids play,
and continuing to function at
least well enough to carry
their responsibilities at
work and at home. And, if
not, it's their failure.

Now, really, what's wrong
with that? Why this ferocity
about being absolutely pure?
A drug-free country? Of
course not. Big deal. I'm
deeply confused by the notion
that we can legislate and
police every bit of pain and
discomfort, every overdose
and addiction and lost job,
away. So my solution is:
There isn't a solution. And
that doesn't bother me at

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Leader of the Packaging

I would like to propose to
the satanist teens of America
that we fire Marilyn Manson
and get a new mascot, one
who's halfway talented. Rob
Zombie or something. Pass the
word on.

Oh, and I'm really pissed off
about that comic about
halfway down the page where
the guy's staring at the
packaging and throwing out
the CD. This is OBVIOUSLY a
rip-off of that Calvin and
strip. I can't believe
Suck would stoop so low as to
steal from Bill Watterson.
The Pope reading baseball

Incidentally, Mechanical
Animals is infected with a
Macintosh virus. Really:


Do you think the virus is the
diabolical work of Andy
Grove? Maybe he can be the
teens' new mascot.

As for stealing from Bill
Watterson, that's Terry's
department. I limit my
pilferage to Erma Bombeck,
Bob Greene, and George Jean



Fish With Letter Icon

Why We Didn't Run the Henry
Hyde Story

That Suck Editorial
Declaration of Independence
bit was by far the funniest
goddamn thing I've ever read
in Suck. My co-workers think
I'm kind of a jerk now, but I
couldn't help laughing for a
good seven or eight minutes.
That Hyde piece must have
seemed like a gift from God
to you guys.

I begged Beers to do this but
he relented, suggesting,
oddly, that the humor of
Salon's idiot reporting was
waning. What a dick! You
could start a sister
publication (and maybe call
it devoted
solely to making fun of David
Talbot and his scrappy
fuckrakers. Also that fig
leaf David Horowitz, a little
strange in his own light.


Tom Castle

Well, Tom, we're not really
out to hurt anybody. We only
enjoy pissing competitions
where other people get
piddled on. But we've been
quite happy to see Henry
Hyde's name dragged through
the manure, and if our story
was anything it was a tribute
to the scrappy reporters who
are doing the heavy lifting
for all of us. We did, of
course, make sport of Salon's
plan to go public, but if we
had failed to make fun of the
Salon IPO we'd have been
seriously remiss in our

As for David Horowitz, stay
tuned. He will be getting
some attention in an upcoming
issue. We see Horowitz more
as an all-around buffoon,
though, not as a Salon writer
per se.


Fish With Letter Icon

I was pleased to see that you
are flame-broiling those
(Salon) rats. You probably
read the Web sites that you
link to from your pages, so I
don't have to inform you
about their "manna from
heaven" crack. If you need
any help finding anything out
about Salon or any of their
editors, I'll chip in to
help. Those weasels need to
be dimembered a la your Matt
Drudge rants.

If this is where Web media is
headed, you have an
obligation to protect it and
the motivation to give it to
them the same way they give
it to us.

Funny pictures, too! That
artist is my favorite by
leaps and one bound.


Whoa, lighten up, there, Jim!
What did Salon do to make you
so mad, other than providing
you with daily content
free of charge?

You're right about that
artist though. He's our
favorite, too, and out of all
the artists on the Suck
staff, he's the one who does
the best work.

Yr. pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

hi ya'll!

what a pleasant change of
pace from "the usual
suspects" on the superhiway
... a short, meaningless,
however thought-provoking bit
of Friday afternoon,
brain-dead from work,
entertainment ... no brain
needed and more fun than
Seinfeld - well, almost.

this from an off-duty English
teacher no grammar-infused
HERE nor punctuation, et al.,
either. keep it up ... they

You're an English teacher?
And we thought Bill Clinton
was setting a bad example for
our children!

Yr. pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Bartel 'n' Terry

As a part of my ongoing
program of making my first
half-hour of work each day
less meaningful (thus
achieving the perspective
that I need to make it
through the day), I found
myself reading Suck this
morning. I guess I've been
looking at Suck for over two
years now, but usually I
don't so much read it as look
at the pictures and try to
copy them by tracing them on
my monitor with crayons.

Anyway, remarks regarding
your ongoing co-dependant
abusive relationship with
Salon aside (I look at them,
too, but their pictures are
harder to trace), I sat up
and spilled my NW personality
enhancer when I dutifully
scanned the list of rejected
venues for the Hyde story and
saw "Dynamite magazine:
'Bummers' section." Either
you have just found the Holy
Grail of Hipness, the elusive
Heretofore Unexploited
Obscure Reference to a Shared
Cultural Artifact That We
Didn't Suspect or Didn't
Realize We Could Admit That
We All Have in Common, or you
are just slyly letting us all
know the exact departure
point of your journey towards
a well-tooled ironic
Weltanschaung. Either way, I
think I see you more clearly

Of course, as all serious
students of Scholastic Book
Club literature know,
"Bummers" cannot be seriously
referenced for purposes of
true parody, having long ago
effectively negated
themselves in the double-size
50th issue with the
brilliantly self-referential

Don't you hate the way
readers always think they
have to sound clever when
they write to you? God, I
certainly do.

Oh, and by the way, Terry,
please stop using Salmon
Pink, as mine is worn to a
nub. Thanks!


Joe Chonacky

"This audacious plan has
MERIT!! I will eat sugar with
you Cheese!!" -Milk

You know, Joe, sometimes a
letter comes along that makes
it all worthwhile. As it
happens, I spent most of 1997
trying to sneak references to
the Dynamite Bummers section
into just about everything I
wrote for Suck. These were
invariably excised as being
insufficiently hip, too
obscure, or in some other way
lacking in general interest.
Actually, they were edited
out with no reason given.
After innumerable such
defeats, even I lost my faith
that Dynamite Bummers were an
overlooked cultural

Recently I got a special peek
at the Dynamite collection of
the Folger Library, and any
doubts I had vanished like a
gambler's lucky streak. It
was all there: the Farrah
cover story, the Logan's Run
preview, the special Beatles
versus Bee Gees issue. This
time, however, my Dynamite
placement finally got some
support from the front
office. And as soon as it
runs, somebody responds.

It's encouraging. Truly.


Fish With Letter Icon

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