The Fish
for 9 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Why We Didn't Run the Henry
Hyde Story

That Suck Editorial
Declaration of Independence
bit was by far the funniest
goddamn thing I've ever read
in Suck. My co-workers think
I'm kind of a jerk now, but I
couldn't help laughing for a
good seven or eight minutes.
That Hyde piece must have
seemed like a gift from God
to you guys.

I begged Beers to do this but
he relented, suggesting,
oddly, that the humor of
Salon's idiot reporting was
waning. What a dick! You
could start a sister
publication (and maybe call
it devoted
solely to making fun of David
Talbot and his scrappy
fuckrakers. Also that fig
leaf David Horowitz, a little
strange in his own light.


Tom Castle

Well, Tom, we're not really
out to hurt anybody. We only
enjoy pissing competitions
where other people get
piddled on. But we've been
quite happy to see Henry
Hyde's name dragged through
the manure, and if our story
was anything it was a tribute
to the scrappy reporters who
are doing the heavy lifting
for all of us. We did, of
course, make sport of Salon's
plan to go public, but if we
had failed to make fun of the
Salon IPO we'd have been
seriously remiss in our

As for David Horowitz, stay
tuned. He will be getting
some attention in an upcoming
issue. We see Horowitz more
as an all-around buffoon,
though, not as a Salon writer
per se.


Fish With Letter Icon

I was pleased to see that you
are flame-broiling those
(Salon) rats. You probably
read the Web sites that you
link to from your pages, so I
don't have to inform you
about their "manna from
heaven" crack. If you need
any help finding anything out
about Salon or any of their
editors, I'll chip in to
help. Those weasels need to
be dimembered a la your Matt
Drudge rants.

If this is where Web media is
headed, you have an
obligation to protect it and
the motivation to give it to
them the same way they give
it to us.

Funny pictures, too! That
artist is my favorite by
leaps and one bound.


Whoa, lighten up, there, Jim!
What did Salon do to make you
so mad, other than providing
you with daily content
free of charge?

You're right about that
artist though. He's our
favorite, too, and out of all
the artists on the Suck
staff, he's the one who does
the best work.

Yr. pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

hi ya'll!

what a pleasant change of
pace from "the usual
suspects" on the superhiway
... a short, meaningless,
however thought-provoking bit
of Friday afternoon,
brain-dead from work,
entertainment ... no brain
needed and more fun than
Seinfeld - well, almost.

this from an off-duty English
teacher no grammar-infused
HERE nor punctuation, et al.,
either. keep it up ... they

You're an English teacher?
And we thought Bill Clinton
was setting a bad example for
our children!

Yr. pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Bartel 'n' Terry

As a part of my ongoing
program of making my first
half-hour of work each day
less meaningful (thus
achieving the perspective
that I need to make it
through the day), I found
myself reading Suck this
morning. I guess I've been
looking at Suck for over two
years now, but usually I
don't so much read it as look
at the pictures and try to
copy them by tracing them on
my monitor with crayons.

Anyway, remarks regarding
your ongoing co-dependant
abusive relationship with
Salon aside (I look at them,
too, but their pictures are
harder to trace), I sat up
and spilled my NW personality
enhancer when I dutifully
scanned the list of rejected
venues for the Hyde story and
saw "Dynamite magazine:
'Bummers' section." Either
you have just found the Holy
Grail of Hipness, the elusive
Heretofore Unexploited
Obscure Reference to a Shared
Cultural Artifact That We
Didn't Suspect or Didn't
Realize We Could Admit That
We All Have in Common, or you
are just slyly letting us all
know the exact departure
point of your journey towards
a well-tooled ironic
Weltanschaung. Either way, I
think I see you more clearly

Of course, as all serious
students of Scholastic Book
Club literature know,
"Bummers" cannot be seriously
referenced for purposes of
true parody, having long ago
effectively negated
themselves in the double-size
50th issue with the
brilliantly self-referential

Don't you hate the way
readers always think they
have to sound clever when
they write to you? God, I
certainly do.

Oh, and by the way, Terry,
please stop using Salmon
Pink, as mine is worn to a
nub. Thanks!


Joe Chonacky

"This audacious plan has
MERIT!! I will eat sugar with
you Cheese!!" -Milk

You know, Joe, sometimes a
letter comes along that makes
it all worthwhile. As it
happens, I spent most of 1997
trying to sneak references to
the Dynamite Bummers section
into just about everything I
wrote for Suck. These were
invariably excised as being
insufficiently hip, too
obscure, or in some other way
lacking in general interest.
Actually, they were edited
out with no reason given.
After innumerable such
defeats, even I lost my faith
that Dynamite Bummers were an
overlooked cultural

Recently I got a special peek
at the Dynamite collection of
the Folger Library, and any
doubts I had vanished like a
gambler's lucky streak. It
was all there: the Farrah
cover story, the Logan's Run
preview, the special Beatles
versus Bee Gees issue. This
time, however, my Dynamite
placement finally got some
support from the front
office. And as soon as it
runs, somebody responds.

It's encouraging. Truly.


Fish With Letter Icon

Why We Didn't Run the Henry
Hyde Story


Are you telling me that a
72-year-old fart from Florida
actually contacted Suck with
his story? Am I supposed to
believe that SUCK is big with
the senior tour? I thought
your target demographic was
20- to 35-year-old slouches
(like myself) that talk about
revolution, but never do
anything about it ....

I think I see puppet strings
somewhere. I think this guy
is a shill (which is OK by
me, as long as he's upfront
about it).



You must not be aware of our
efforts to appeal to the
burgeoning seniors
demographic. Look for our
upcoming special features:

Filler Remembers: The Guy
Lombardo Years

Fighting Indecency on the
Internet: One Grandmother's

Trapped on a Tennis Court
with David Foster Wallace! A
Drama in Real Life.

Rest-Home Rib-Ticklers! $400
Paid on Acceptance.

What Your Gerontologist Isn't
Allowed to Tell You About
Adult-Incontinence Products.

Hit and Run and Break Your

It's all part of our effort
to attract more advertising
from Depends, Polident, and
those glass-eyed dress-up
dolls. Stay tuned.


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear BarTel (or Sucksters, or
Salon wannabees, or whoever):

Come on, let's call a spade
an ethnic minority. (Did he
say that? Sound effect of
bitchslapping.) Suck didn't
run with this major and
momentous story for three

1. Nobody called you. You're
famous in your own minds. Get
over it, and deal with it. Or
some such.

2. Nobody at Suck would have
known what to do with it. By
the time Terry and Tim
finished fighting over who
could illustrate it in the
appropriately immature
manner, everyone involved
would be dead.

3. Nobody in the nonvirtual
world would have believed it.
Let's face it, you're right
up there with Hunter in the
"I've got to stop making this
stuff up" department.

Other than that, nice
article. And funny. Funny is

Alan S Kornheiser

Au contraire, Alan. We would
have known exactly what to do
with the Henry Hyde story. We
would have milked it for as
many stupid potty jokes as we
could make up. And in fact,
that's what we did.

Your mail has been rather
testy of late. Is everything
all right?


Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes