for 5 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Starrmark Cards

Subject: Lust in the
afternoon

The President of the United
States used the head without
the brains and is therefore a
figure of fun. Thus is it
today and thus has it always
been. (Check out Willy S's
Midsummer's Night's Dream or
almost any of the classic
Roman comedies for proof.)
He's a big boy and can take
it, and a little abuse is
good for public figures,
anyway.

However, what foolishness,
fit for Terry's excellent
art, would we find if we
taped your life for the past
few years, or his, or hers,
or mine? The late Joshua,
once of Nazareth, spoke
wisely about those with and
without sins and the use of
stones; he would have surely
spoken as wisely about HTML
images had he known of them.

Alan Kornheiser
The Doctor Is
Not Without Sin
(although he
tend to involve vanilla fudge
ice cream)
<ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net>

You obviously haven't heard
about Kenneth Starr's "The
Report on the Duke of URL,"
just the first chapter of a
Duluoz Legend-like body of
work that will eventually
encompass every American and
his or her (alleged)
misdeeds. I herein refer to
said chapters:

II. 1975 - Difficulty with
Toilet Training

V. 1989 - Taking a Trig Exam
while Shrooming

XII. 1992 present -
Pretending to Be Too
Sensitive to Score Booty,
While in Reality Haboring
Feelings of Lust and Latent
Misogyny Just as Shallow and
Vile as Any Date-raping
Lacrosse Player-

... Oh, waitasec ... that's
from "The Report on Alan
Kornheiser"... sorry about
that, buddy.

mares eat oats,

James

this is all very very funny,
but really you should have
done this as a mock "virtual
greeting card" site.

Don
<dsmith@health.org>

I don't come down to the
hospital's Pre-Op Pubic
Shaving Ward and tell YOU how
to do YOUR job, do I?

James

Subject: cigar story

Good "Starrmark" piece.

This may not be up your
alley, but I came across this
article and thought of Suck.
Despite all the
Lewinsky-humidor jokes that
are flying around, the joke
is actually on everyone that
smokes cigars, not just the
First Puffer:

STICKY STOGIES MORE COMMON
THAN JUST IN WHITE HOUSE,
EXPERTS WARN KEY WEST,
FLA."If you think that
President Clinton's creative
use of a cigar is unusual,
you haven't worked in the
cigar business," says Hector
"Henry" Villar, 66, a retired
vice president of
distribution for a
Miami-based cigar marketing
[firm]. In independent
investigator Kenneth Starr's
report on Whitewater to
Congress, Starr detailed how
Clinton inserted cigars into
Monica Lewinsky's vagina for
later smoking, a revelation
which has revolted and
titillated a nation currently
in the middle of a
cigar-smoking resurgence.

The Cuban-born Villar says
that compared to what he has
seen in his forty-plus years
in the Cuban, Honduran, and
Dominican cigar industry,
Clinton's cigar was
relatively clean. "We've
caught employees sticking
cigars into their vaginas,
their rectums, and their
armpits.... If it's dirty, a
cigar has been put in it," he
said....

Steve Schneider
<steve@neighor-newspapers. com>

Thanks for the tip, so to
speak. (As a colleague
pointed out, has anyone
noticed the increased use of
the phrase "so to speak,"
post-OIC Report? No matter.)

Much has been made of the
spelunking cubano as well as
the Taster-in-Chief's
assessment that "It tastes
good," but few have observed
that various orificial
insertions of the tightly
coiled terbacky leaf is as
old a tradition as la siesta.
Gracias, amigo.

como esta usted,

James

Subject: Starrmark

It would be hard to express
those sentiments any other
way. Keep up the good work
and right-on reporting. When
will these cards go into
production? I've written up
quite a list of potential
recipients.

Lidia Moore
<language@infinex.com>

Lidia, oh Lidia, you
encyclopedia--

I would be remiss if I
allowed you to refer to what
we do as "reporting," without
correcting your
misconception.

On the other hand, Mike
Isikoff, Matt Drudge, and the
fat guy on Meet the Press are
all called reporters ...
hmmmm....

thanks for giving me
something to think about,

Rodin-like,

James

Subject: StarrMark Cards

Spot on ... I have been
waiting for this since I
first laid eyes on the
Report.

How, oh how do I order the
cards ? Pleaseplease
pleasepleasei please printem
please. "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh
Cthulhu R'lyeh wagh'nagl
fhtagn."

pigl1
<KTH8072@hgo.se>

Er ...

Hey, Polly, do you have that
copy of
Insane-Lunatic-to-English,
English-to-Insane-Lunatic
dictionary around anywhere?

L'shana Tova,

James

Mondo Porno

Dear Huck:

It's been pointed out (by the
novelist Bob Shaw, among
other people, in his "slow
glass" stories), that 1000
years ago people truly
believed that God watched
their every act. They
survived. So will we.

Alan S Kornheiser
<ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net>

And, now, of course, many
believe that God's customer-
service staff, the angels,
continue to watch their every
act. Except for the angels
who are assigned to watch
network TV; apparently,
they're tuning into cable and
the Web instead.

Huck

Dearest St. Huck (and
everyone at Suck),

I greatly appreciate your
Suck Daily. In today's
column, you wrote of the
president as the First
Fellator. Would not that
instead be First Fellatee?
Mr. Clinton was performed
upon, but, as far as I have
heard, did not himself
perform this act.

Thanks for all,

John Street
<jstreet@newwave.net>

John,

That was a reference to
Lewinsky, actually. Regarding
Clinton's nonperformance - a
lot of people have been
interpreting that as
selfishness, but I think it's
just because it would have
made his simultaneous phone
conversations more difficult.
Personally, I think he could
have pulled it off, but
apparently I have more faith
in our President than most
do.

Patriotically,

Huck

sucksters, et al ...

First, congratulations on
pointing out the seminal
importance of what is going
on with "who's the fat boy
now" President Clinton. Yes,
I know I can always count on
Suck to reframe and explain
the world around us in terms
of post rationalist French
philosophy (I think I
might've made that up,
sorry). Yes, it was a
grateful smile that I wore on
my face as I read Mondo Porno
(9.21.98), for I realized
that what was gnawing at me
with all these revelations in
Washington was the striking
similarity (put forth here,
perhaps, as a possible
logical conclusion ...) to
what Gilles Deleuze and Felix
Guattari were talking about
in the short piece "Memories
of the Secret," in their book
A Thousand Plateaus. Not that
I am suggesting that Deleuze
predicted Howard Stern....

Paul Pavlak
<PPavlak@EMAIL.HGA.com>

Sorry, we don't respond to
letters with gratuitous
literary references.

Who's the fat boy now?

Sucksters