The Fish
for 1 October 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Subject: Umberto Eco

I think it is telling,
speaking of gorditas and
sucking, that the slickster
should stick his wick into
the electrolewinsky. Word
parsing aside, I have never
understood how a nonsexual
act can constitute rape if
not agreed to. It also lends
itself to food for thought,
that if he is so careless
about where he puts the
"first penis," how careful is
he going to be about military
placement of civilian asses?
Nature is wonderful: the
first penis attached to the
last asshole you'd want to

Peter J. Havas

Speaking of the last asshole
we'd want to meet ...

Fish With Letter Icon

Starrmark Cards

i realize that w. j. clinton
is not particularly high on
your list of issues to write
about (for good reason), but
i felt i had to relate this
little anecdote, which sums
up, in my useless
harvard-educated view, all
that is wrong with starr's
investigation and the
republican blood-mongers
behind it.

a couple of weeks ago (the
day after clinton admitted to
his affair, to be precise) i
was sitting on a bench in a
train station in amsterdam,
suffering from a seriously
bad case of the 'shrooms,
compounded by a mouthful of
coca leaves and a breakfast
of space cakes. wishing only
to be left alone in my
hallucinatory, sweating
misery, i looked to my right
to see what could only be a
junkie in the last throes of
degeneration, with wild
stringy hair, a wrinkled
brown face, torn clothes, and
no shoes. to my horror, he
sat down next to me, and
since the array of drugs
prohibited the use of my
legs, i could only sit there,
waiting for him to ask me for
money. which he did, in a
pleasantly passable, albeit
toothless, english. i passed
along my only two-guilder
coin, and as he took it he
peered into my assuredly wild
eyes, and said:

"are you american?"

"yes," i managed.

he looked at me again, and

"this ... woman. lewinsky."
another chuckle. "your
president, he is like ... a
clown, with this ugly woman."

what was he talking about, i
wondered. i couldn't even
turn my head, as i was
transfixed by the image of
him morphing into a grizzled
tree and back. he went on.

"he admit to it, yes. a

i didn't understand.

"he admitted to having the
affair?" i managed.

a veritable cackle of glee.
"yesterday, he say, 'i have
the affair.'"

good lord, i thought. here
is, by our wonderful american
standards, one of the
lowliest dregs on the west
european social ladder,
cackling at our president.

and that's the way it went.
next i went to hong kong, and
it was the same way. tell
someone you're american, and
you'll get a bemused glance
and a knowing wink - "your
country is so silly. you
amuse me." i've never been
particularly patriotic, but
the thought of my country
being a laughingstock on the
level of, say, belgium, irks.
affairs are had all over the
world, and the admittedly
important issue of perjury
aside for one moment, the
american media's obsession
over this scandal that was
caused completely by
political wrangling is making
america look ridiculous. or
at least a significant step
above the ridiculousness it
was viewed with before. and
how will we sell our mass
media and corporate brands if
we are seen as silly? how can
our homogenized white-ass
culture spread? our demise is
imminent, and i place the
blame squarely on ken starr
for being a porn-monger and
president clinton for being
an idiot. so maybe i will go
to belgium. at least they
have good chocolate.

cheers from the bastion of
liberal elitism,
"james park"

Our demise is imminent?

Maybe you should lower your
hallucinogen dosage and take
free-spirited train-station
seers a little less

Had the affair an hour ago,


Fish With Letter Icon

Presidential Miss

1. Which president smoked
marijuana with a nude
playgirl while he joked about
being too wasted to "push the
button" in case of nuclear

2. Which president allegedly
had affairs with both a
winner AND a finalist in the
Miss America pageant?

3. Which president made love
to one of his secretaries
stretched out atop a desk in
the Oval Office?

4. Which president allegedly
had an affair (as well as
children) with a slave who
was his wife's half sister?

5. Which president called his
mistress "Pookie"?

6. Which president married a
woman who hadn't yet divorced
her first husband - and was
branded an "adulterer" during
his reelection campaign?

7. Which future president
wrote love letters to his
neighbor's wife while he was
engaged to someone else?

8. Which president had a
torrid affair with the first
lady's personal secretary?

9. Which president made love
to a young woman in a White
House coat closet - at one
point, while a secret service
agent prevented the
hysterical first lady from
attacking them?

10. Which president made love
in a closet while telling his
lover about the other
president who made love in a

11. Which vice president was
cheesed off because he felt
that his record of sexual
conquests was more impressive
than the president's?

12. Which future president,
while a college student,
loved showing off his manhood
(which he named "Jumbo")?

We don't know, but whoever he
is, can we make him president
for life?

Fish With Letter Icon

Please, please, please,
pretty please address Salon's
latest venture into stupid,
sophistic "political
analysis." I'm referring to
their editorial justification
for their Henry Hyde
exposé, specifically,
to their theory of the nature
of lying and how grand juries
unfairly violate the nature
of illicit activity and can't
rightly expect honest answers
to direct questions.

Tom Castle


Short answer: Nope.

Longer answer: I used to read
Salon every few days for the
entertainment value - it was
a bit like browsing through
the tabs while in line at the
supermarket checkstand. But
now it just gives me the
creeps. True believers,
unite! Blech. You go beat up
on them some more. It's your
turn. I pass the torch.


EDITOR'S NOTE: Or check in on
last Friday's feature: "Why
We Didn't Run the Henry Hyde

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Virtual Friends

Subject: The Virtual Suck

Filler-activated, it responds
to each condescending bon
mot, each ironic smirk, each
self-deprecating jibe.
Responses are approving but
desperately clingy, so that
your columnists can keep
writing endless
self-referential prose
without interruption, thereby
freeing up your time for
important things, like
venture capitalists with poor
judgment and a love of diaper

The Virtual Suck Reader has
four appropriate modes: Au
Contraire, Old Guard, Navel
Gazer, and Riff-o-matic.

Au Contraire
- Things aren't really that bad.
- You think you're so cool.
- I don't know what you have against

Old Guard
- I was here, man, before Wired ...
- Where are the diaper jokes?
- Bow down before me, for lo, I
am Kornheiser.

Navel Gazer
- That was a great article! It
reminds me of a story.
- I wish I was your friend.
- Please help me find a mate.

- No, let me take that one step further
and run it into the ground.
- If Terry drew this idea I
had, it would be real funny.
- Here's a watered-down
rip-off of a Suck article I

Special note: Do not put the
Virtual Suck Reader into
direct contact with the rest
of the Virtual Family, as it
will make fun of them until
they beat it up, and then
they will go on to lead
happy, fulfilling lives while
the Virtual Suck Reader
languishes in its own virtual

Love you!

chris m

Thanks for putting so much
hard work into your letter.

Keep this up, and it'll get
you a steady unpaid gig here.


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