The Fish
for 24 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Going Postal

But I LIKE the postal
service. And who the hell is
going to want to deliver
small envelopes containing
one or two sheets of paper
for 32 cents? It's a volume
business, baby. Carve it up
and make a big old mess.


I'm not a baby and I haven't
come a long way. Since when
is a big old mess not
preferable to a machine-gun
totin' monopoly? Read your
Schumpeter, bay-bee.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

I was expecting to open up
Suck today to find the first
article available about
Clinton with a sense of
humor. But you did me one
better, you had an article
making fun of the postmaster
general. Salud.

P.S. Oh, I didn't read the
postmaster article, but I'm
sure it's quite captivating.


If I may speak for the
corporate paymasters behind
the operation of Suck, the
philosophy here is, Why
disappoint today's customer
when there's always a

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon


And now a reference to Mr.
Mxyzptlk, my FAVORITE old
Superman character?

Oh gawd, you girls are TOO



Bill Gubbins

Muto, The Purple Parasite,
and Matter-Eater Lad all say
"Hi," though MEL says that
minus the buck you owe him,
you still owe him a buck.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Nice article; hope you can
manage to contribute more
than once every two years,
but the commentary rings true
again. Nice someone has the
gumption to present it ...
something that keeps me
coming back to Suck (and
Reason, for that matter).


Brad Miller

As The Stranglers so
eloquently put it 50 or 60
years ago, there are "no more
heroes anymore ... no more
Shakespeare-os." Into this
hero-less world I stride
ready to take the bold,
seemingly indefensible
position that the post office
is ripe for ridicule and,
even more controversially,
that Karl Malden isn't worth
his expense money. I wear
this crown lightly, if at

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Awesome stuff; really made my
morning! I could not have
said it (or thought it) any
better myself. You've got my

Mark Gran


If it's wrong of me to want
to be a stamp and have people
lick me, then I'm guilty but
still legally acceptable.

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

I don't work for the post
office, nor do I want to, but
talk about kicking the
handicapped. Let me ask you
one thing: Is there any
company on this planet
prepared to take a letter
from me in Los Angeles and
deliver it to my Grandma, who
lives down a dirt road miles
from anywhere, for 32 cents?
I fail to see how this is a
bad deal. And everybody
whines and bleats whenever
the PO asks for a penny
increase - a damn penny! -
when they are blowing
hundreds of dollars on the
Home Shopping Channel or
buying Hand Knitted Toilet
Roll Covers or even (shock)
buying $2000 PCs they don't
really use.

The USPS ain't perfect, and
I'm sure it could be a lot
better (to see how, examine
the British postal service,
arguably the best in the
universe), but show me an
alternative (overnight
urban-to-urban is just cherry
picking, it doesn't count)
and I'll buy in to your

Craig Zerouni

It'll be a great day when the
Pentagon drops bombs on the
handicapped and schools have
to hold bake sales to buy
books. Some alternatives:
email, faxes, telephone
calls. If the effin PS is so
great, then why does it need
a first-class letter
monopoly? Wouldn't it
vanquish all possible foes
via superior service? Why
can't utility meter-readers
simply leave bills in
people's mailboxes and pick
up the same when they come
back to read the meter and
bang the missus (like they
used to until the '20s when
the PS went to court to
prevent the bill-paying part
at least)?

Btw, those pennies add up;
despite inflation, 100 of
them still equals a dollar

Mr. M

Fish With Letter Icon

Kaiser on the Set


It's getting thick. I have no
idea who Herr Nispel is and I
don't care. Thank god he's
gone (could you house some
more advertising people,
please). Even if it seems
that he is a perfect example
of a much-loved cliché
that Germans share with the
Swiss, it is tiring every time
to see the similar symbols
used to illustrate "the
German." A switch to the
contemporary, like Mercedes
stars, Audi rings, and BMW
propellers would be much
appreciated and would show a
sense of self-irony. A
feature of quality that the
damned Canooks get every time
free with the insults from
Suck. Please let the boredom

d.pool wishes.

These are all good points,
d.pool, but frankly it's
going to be another couple
centuries before having
Germans eat sausages, wear
lederhosen, and shout "I see
nothing!" will stop being
funny. I'm picturing you
right now in some Munich
brauhaus, holding up your
stein and singing a spirited

yr freund,


Fish With Letter Icon

Good filler today!!

I especially like how Marcus
talks about himself in the
third person. Nice touch.

Scott has to get back to work

Scott Carroll

"Filler" and its various
subsidiaries (Filler Soup for
the Soul, Filler Nights,
Everybody Loves Filler, and
The Independent Counsel's
Filler Referral to the House
Judiciary Committee, etc.)
are registered trademarks of
Polly Esther. The feature
you're referring to was but a
pallid Filler knockoff, like
Galactica 1980 or The Three
Robotic Stooges. But Bartel
is happy you liked it.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

As a longtime Hoosier
(temporarily residing
elsewhere), I must take issue
with your recent coverage of
Dan Burton's affair, li'l
bastard, and subsequent
cover-up. I figured that if
anyone was going to slam this
hypocritical cretin, it would
be Suck. Does your scant
coverage of this semiliterate
rube betray a disillusionment
with media coverage of sex
scandals, or with sex itself?
Or with media coverage of
anything? Or is the thought
of another geezer bagging
another youngin too much to
bear? Indiana has had trouble
recently with Dans. Quayle,
Coates, and Burton have been
making the state look like a
bunch of idiots and have been
giving the handful of local
liberals something else to
feel aloof about for several
years now. The angle of
Burton's dangle is merely
another item at the bottom of
the list of embarrassing
Hoosier moments in the
political spotlight. We can't
seem to outsmart fourth
graders or keep our pants on
or keep our feet out of our
mouths. Which is worse if the
world is watching, being
stupid or horny? I guess the
only real surprise in all of
this is that Burton made it
with someone who wasn't a
distant cousin of some kind,
but I was hoping for a little
more venom from you guys.
Spare Mark McGwire and his
silly 'roid-record, spare
Drudge his locker-room boasts
to mask his sissiness, and
stick to those who need it
the most.

James Gardner
Special Orders
Books, Music & More


The only Hoosier we like is
Indiana Jones. And Kurt
Vonnegut. We like him too.
Jane Pauley too. But you can
have the rest of those damn
Hoosiers, including Gene
Hackman in Hoosiers. We'd
spend more time cutting up
Dan Quayle, Dan Burton, et
al., but we just can't even
keep our attention focused on
Hoosiers long enough to write
a complete sentence.



Fish With Letter Icon

I just read your feature on
Canadians, and the evil that
flows through their veins
like some evil maple syrup. I
thought your statements and
beliefs of the Canuck culture
to be absolutely true. I
think that you forgot one
major factor: their money.
Although a free country (or
state, depending upon how you
look at it), Canada's money still
bears the visage of some
crown-wearing ruler. And,
they still call it a dollar.
That is our money, not
theirs. Why don't they call
it the Canuck, or the Puck,
or something to remind them
that it will only be worth
$0.40 across the border? I
mean they have to realize
someday that they must get
rid of the lumberjacks and
follow the smart ones, the
ones that became Montana.
Join us Canadian brethern, I
cry. Bring you bacon, your
hockey, and your 9.9 percent
alcohol-by-volume beer with
you. Become the 50.5th state.
And we'll let you keep the
metric system (in the decency
of your own home of course).
Canada, where would we be
without the doorstop of North

Matt Sullivan

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Matt,

In fact, the Canadian
"dollar" does have a suitably
lame name: It's familiarly
called the "loony." That's a
name that comes close to
approaching an Australian
level of sublimity, but as
with everything else from the
Great White North, it's a day
late and a Canadian dollar



Fish With Letter Icon

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