The Fish
for 22 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit & Run


The telling stat isn't
whether or not Drudge is gay,
but that he hasn't been laid
in a year. Bigmouths come
last, it seems.

Nick Sweeney


It's an LA thing. Surveys
have shown that the last time
anybody actually had sex in
Hollywood was during the
Johnson administration.


Fish With Letter Icon

Forgive my asking, but didn't
you used to write intelligent
articles? I was quietly
reading my "fresh fish" as
usual when I suddenly noticed
that today's article worked
only to fuel a very ancient
animosity between Canadians
and Americans. It is as if
the Cosmo editor is saying,
"Hey guys, our sales dropped,
let's print that article on
sexuality again." I have
American friends and Canadian
friends (by the way, I am
Lebanese). And they never
thought anything about
disliking each other. But it
is people like you and The
Toronto Star,
who are in an
occasional drought of
readership that leads them to
print stale pieces (a not
very fresh fish) to attract a
bigger audience, that create
such animosity. Please
exercise better judgment in
the future, and refrain from
printing stupid articles
about how Americans and
Canadians dislike each other,
because if that was true,
they would be at war right
now (and believe me I know
what war is, I lived in
Beirut). Or maybe the
Canadians could do something
a lot worse, like stop
sending Celine Dion CDs to
the US. (It isn't that I like
Ms. Dion's singing, but
practically every American
has a Celine Dion CD.)

Ziad C.

Listen, Beirut tough guy, do
you write angry letters to
The Daily Star when they run
their ten millionth
boring-ass "Birri dissents on
Solidere seaport plan" story?
As long as the British Empire
maintains a toehold on this
continent, we have a
sovereign right to keep up
the pressure on them.



Fish With Letter Icon

ah, another tempest on a tea

in the final analysis we may
just be an economic colony of
the US of Eh

hmm, economic colony,
remember what happened when
another north american
economic colony revolted?

enjoy the pax americana while
it lasts but to quote rick
mercer (a canadian from a
really good canadian show,
this hour has 22 minutes)

we're bigger and we're on
top, if we were in prison,
you'd be our bitch

only one "super power" left?
pity ... it'll be really neat
to see what happens when
india or pakistan nukes your
sorry asses ...

p.s. spelling mistakes might
just be typos!

martin koldijk

(calgary, alberta, canada)


yes, the above is my
tagline ...

Martin Koldijk


Check your "constitution."
Canada may or may not be an
economic colony of the US,
but it's definitely a colony
of the UK. When you strap on
a pair and kick the redcoats
out, you might get a little

Do you know your name rhymes
with Ol' Dyke?



Fish With Letter Icon

Hit and Run No. CXLIII

A little point about your
comment on what "bad actors"
said to fill the space in the
Underground Bunker at the old
War Office (Churchill's
Underground Bunker). You may
have found the accent rather
amusing but a couple of
points - we English (not
Brits) really did talk like
that during the war. Whilst
it may seem perverse to
Americans to hear "I say, old
chap! Jerry's putting on a
rattling good show, eh, what?"
this has a lot to do with the
British spirit at the time.
There was no point stating
the obvious - "Oh my god,
Jerry has taken the whole of
Europe and we are the only
thing that stands between
them and world domination -
were fucked - lets get pissed
and head for the sun." Morale
had to be maintained, you

At that time Britain really
was the last bastion of
democracy and hope in Europe
- you guys sat on your hands for
a couple of years until
direct action was taken in
Pearl Harbor - thanks for
helping - better late than
never. So if it sounds a bit
unrealistic, well, I'm sorry
but that's really how it was.
Besides, Churchill was a real
swinger. A notorious boozer,
he once was criticized for
drinking too much, to which
he retorted, "Sir - during my
life, I have got more out of
drink than it has got out of
me." On another occasion, a
lady at a dinner party he was
attending commented, "Prime
Minister, if I was your wife
I would not put up with all
your drinking," to which he
returned, "Madame, if you
were my wife I should be
forced to drink even more."
Appreciate that you will
probably not print my letter
as it does not really fit
your tone, but would be
interested to hear your

Nick Fulford

Ah, yes. Britain was the last
bastion of democracy and hope
in Europe. Which certainly
was scary, since you were all
eating tea and crumpets in
the rain and coming down with
nasty coughs and so on. There
was little hope, then ...
until the red-blooded,
meat-eating, ass-kicking
Americans came in and fucked
shit up real good. All your
little rosy faces certainly
lit up then, eh? So our
leaders never gave good quote
like Churchill - although
Dorothy Parker certainly
tried her best to make up for
it. So we're botching history
left and right. Let's face
it, though: Clever quips and
historical nit-picking really
don't go hand in hand with
good old-fashioned
butt-kickings. And it's a
damn good thing, for your

Suck: Dedicated to
perpetuating the Ugly
American stereotype

Sitting on our hands,


Fish With Letter Icon

Let's be honest. Clinton is
the first president in a
generation who could get any
action. Nixon was a troll.
Ford wasn't bright enough to
unzip his pants. Carter was
such a chess-club geek that
not even the presidency could
give him any sex appeal.
Reagan couldn't remember how
sex worked, and Bush hadn't
been laid more than three or
four times in his entire

Seriously now, we all knew
Clinton was humping anything
he could run down before we
ever heard of Monica
Lewinsky. Presidents aren't
men of integrity. Maybe they
once were, and we continue to
pretend they are because the
idea that life-and-death
decisions are being made by
some Earl Scheib huckster
who, if not for politics,
would be peddling South
Florida condominiums to
retired cell-phone magnates
is too grotesque to accept.

We all have dozens of friends
who are more honorable than
any presidential candidate,
but, for whatever reason, we
choose to elect these
bastards anyway. So, really,
what's all the pissing about?

Have a nice day,

Robert Berger

We all have friends who are
more honorable than any
presidential candidate? Shit,
you'd better start
introducing us to people.

Pissing about,


Fish With Letter Icon


Just curious -

Is there any reason that that
fish guy and that hack guy
are no longer featured in
Filler? Have they been
written out of the script? Or
are they just on vacation? I
always enjoyed their witty
dialogue and angst-ridden
social commentary....

And another question, while
I'm ranting. Well, not really
ranting. It's really more of
a ramble than a rant. Yes.
While I'm rambling ...

What's the story with Joey's
rat-nasty black sweater that
he's always portrayed as
wearing? I can't help
imagining that there's some
hilarious anecdote about this
sweater that you and Terry
are alluding to every time
Joey's featured.

It's also very possible that
I need to get out more....


Scott Gruber

Naturally you need to get out
more. That's a prerequisite
for Filler readers.

I think Joey wore that
sweater (seemingly darned
from the hair of a
long-haired American cat)
maybe twice during a low
period in 1996, and Terry has
decided to torment him with
it ever since. Similarly, I'm
the first to admit that I
wore purple jeans to the
office every day from July of
1996 to February of 1997.
However, I never, ever wore a
front-buttoning mock
turtleneck circa 1983, and
yet Terry insists on drawing
me in it every single week.

Furthermore, my head only
remotely resembles an end

Me me me,


Fish With Letter Icon

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