The Fish
for 21 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Hit and Run No. CXLIII

A little point about your
comment on what "bad actors"
said to fill the space in the
Underground Bunker at the old
War Office (Churchill's
Underground Bunker). You may
have found the accent rather
amusing but a couple of
points - we English (not
Brits) really did talk like
that during the war. Whilst
it may seem perverse to
Americans to hear "I say, old
chap! Jerry's putting on a
rattling good show, eh, what?"
this has a lot to do with the
British spirit at the time.
There was no point stating
the obvious - "Oh my god,
Jerry has taken the whole of
Europe and we are the only
thing that stands between
them and world domination -
were fucked - lets get pissed
and head for the sun." Morale
had to be maintained, you

At that time Britain really
was the last bastion of
democracy and hope in Europe
- you guys sat on your hands for
a couple of years until
direct action was taken in
Pearl Harbor - thanks for
helping - better late than
never. So if it sounds a bit
unrealistic, well, I'm sorry
but that's really how it was.
Besides, Churchill was a real
swinger. A notorious boozer,
he once was criticized for
drinking too much, to which
he retorted, "Sir - during my
life, I have got more out of
drink than it has got out of
me." On another occasion, a
lady at a dinner party he was
attending commented, "Prime
Minister, if I was your wife
I would not put up with all
your drinking," to which he
returned, "Madame, if you
were my wife I should be
forced to drink even more."
Appreciate that you will
probably not print my letter
as it does not really fit
your tone, but would be
interested to hear your

Nick Fulford

Ah, yes. Britain was the last
bastion of democracy and hope
in Europe. Which certainly
was scary, since you were all
eating tea and crumpets in
the rain and coming down with
nasty coughs and so on. There
was little hope, then ...
until the red-blooded,
meat-eating, ass-kicking
Americans came in and fucked
shit up real good. All your
little rosy faces certainly
lit up then, eh? So our
leaders never gave good quote
like Churchill - although
Dorothy Parker certainly
tried her best to make up for
it. So we're botching history
left and right. Let's face
it, though: Clever quips and
historical nit-picking really
don't go hand in hand with
good old-fashioned
butt-kickings. And it's a
damn good thing, for your

Suck: Dedicated to
perpetuating the Ugly
American stereotype

Sitting on our hands,


Fish With Letter Icon

Let's be honest. Clinton is
the first president in a
generation who could get any
action. Nixon was a troll.
Ford wasn't bright enough to
unzip his pants. Carter was
such a chess-club geek that
not even the presidency could
give him any sex appeal.
Reagan couldn't remember how
sex worked, and Bush hadn't
been laid more than three or
four times in his entire

Seriously now, we all knew
Clinton was humping anything
he could run down before we
ever heard of Monica
Lewinsky. Presidents aren't
men of integrity. Maybe they
once were, and we continue to
pretend they are because the
idea that life-and-death
decisions are being made by
some Earl Scheib huckster
who, if not for politics,
would be peddling South
Florida condominiums to
retired cell-phone magnates
is too grotesque to accept.

We all have dozens of friends
who are more honorable than
any presidential candidate,
but, for whatever reason, we
choose to elect these
bastards anyway. So, really,
what's all the pissing about?

Have a nice day,

Robert Berger

We all have friends who are
more honorable than any
presidential candidate? Shit,
you'd better start
introducing us to people.

Pissing about,


Fish With Letter Icon


Just curious -

Is there any reason that that
fish guy and that hack guy
are no longer featured in
Filler? Have they been
written out of the script? Or
are they just on vacation? I
always enjoyed their witty
dialogue and angst-ridden
social commentary....

And another question, while
I'm ranting. Well, not really
ranting. It's really more of
a ramble than a rant. Yes.
While I'm rambling ...

What's the story with Joey's
rat-nasty black sweater that
he's always portrayed as
wearing? I can't help
imagining that there's some
hilarious anecdote about this
sweater that you and Terry
are alluding to every time
Joey's featured.

It's also very possible that
I need to get out more....


Scott Gruber

Naturally you need to get out
more. That's a prerequisite
for Filler readers.

I think Joey wore that
sweater (seemingly darned
from the hair of a
long-haired American cat)
maybe twice during a low
period in 1996, and Terry has
decided to torment him with
it ever since. Similarly, I'm
the first to admit that I
wore purple jeans to the
office every day from July of
1996 to February of 1997.
However, I never, ever wore a
front-buttoning mock
turtleneck circa 1983, and
yet Terry insists on drawing
me in it every single week.

Furthermore, my head only
remotely resembles an end

Me me me,


Fish With Letter Icon

Why do they call it Northwest
Airlines if it's located in

Well, at least they get style
points for their choice in
beer. Henry Weinhard, as you
surely know, is one of the
most influential, corrupt,
and utterly hip people in
Oregon's splendid history.

It was Weinhard, after all,
who offered to pipe beer here
in Portland from the Burnside
Street brewery to the public
fountain on Skidmore way back
in the 19th century. So,
while the drunks were being
drugged, beaten, and
shanghaied under the streets,
the citizens of Portland
above them would have been
home to the REAL Nirvana
instead of those
latte-sucking yuppies up in
Heroin City.

Had Hank made good on his
offer, Stumptown would have
been The City Where Beer
Flowed Like Water.

But he didn't. So GO HOME!

Anyway, back to the airline

Wahhh. Just drive the goddam
airplane, OK? I know a
number of commercial pilots
hawking lessons for $12 an
hour risking their lives
riding around in rickety old
rental Cessnas who would
cheerfully strap a 747 to
their ass for half of what
these gray-haired martini
boys are making.

Hell, show me an airplane
that serves Henry's and I'll
fly it for free!

Chris Gattman
Portland, Oregon

Here's hoping more people
like you seek careers as

Is it possible to be utterly
hip without being utterly
corrupt? We hope not.

From The City Where Water
Flows Like Beer,


Fish With Letter Icon

Labor Pain

Dear BarTel:

There was union maid who
never was afraid....

Now you join in.

Alan Kornheiser

Dear Alan,

How about an Andrew Dice Clay
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last
night Alive as you and me.
"But Joe," I said, "You're
ten years dead!" So he gave
me head.


Fish With Letter Icon

Hi, I'm the editor in chief
for my school newspaper, The

I'm trying to find out more
about column and opinion
writing. More specifically,
about what the rules are for
libel and if there is any
difference between the libel
rules for news stories and
opinion pieces.

Mostly, I'm curious how you
get away with saying as much
as you do. Have you ever been
sued? Do you ever edit stuff
out that you think could be
libelous? Where do you draw
the line?


Kevin Anderson

Where do we draw the line?
That is rich. You remind us
of Tom Cruise's character
harassing Jack Nicholson's
character in A Few Good Men.
No wonder you're the
editor in chief.

We don't draw the line, and
no, we never get sued. Mostly
because we don't actually
parade anything as fact. When
in doubt, call it an opinion
piece. Or rename your
publication Pure Crap. Then
you can write anything you

Neat, huh?


Fish With Letter Icon

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