for 18 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Why do they call it Northwest
Airlines if it's located in
Minnesota?

Well, at least they get style
points for their choice in
beer. Henry Weinhard, as you
surely know, is one of the
most influential, corrupt,
and utterly hip people in
Oregon's splendid history.

It was Weinhard, after all,
who offered to pipe beer here
in Portland from the Burnside
Street brewery to the public
fountain on Skidmore way back
in the 19th century. So,
while the drunks were being
drugged, beaten, and
shanghaied under the streets,
the citizens of Portland
above them would have been
home to the REAL Nirvana
instead of those
"look-at-how-much-we-don't-
like-all-the-attention"
latte-sucking yuppies up in
Heroin City.

Had Hank made good on his
offer, Stumptown would have
been The City Where Beer
Flowed Like Water.

But he didn't. So GO HOME!

Anyway, back to the airline
pilots.

Wahhh. Just drive the goddam
airplane, OK? I know a
number of commercial pilots
hawking lessons for $12 an
hour risking their lives
riding around in rickety old
rental Cessnas who would
cheerfully strap a 747 to
their ass for half of what
these gray-haired martini
boys are making.

Hell, show me an airplane
that serves Henry's and I'll
fly it for free!

Chris Gattman
Portland, Oregon

Here's hoping more people
like you seek careers as
pilots.

Is it possible to be utterly
hip without being utterly
corrupt? We hope not.

From The City Where Water
Flows Like Beer,

Sucksters

Labor Pain

Dear BarTel:

There was union maid who
never was afraid....

Now you join in.

Alan Kornheiser
<askornheiser@prodigy.net>

Dear Alan,

How about an Andrew Dice Clay
variant:
I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last
night Alive as you and me.
"But Joe," I said, "You're
ten years dead!" So he gave
me head.

BarTel

Hi, I'm the editor in chief
for my school newspaper, The
Saga.

I'm trying to find out more
about column and opinion
writing. More specifically,
about what the rules are for
libel and if there is any
difference between the libel
rules for news stories and
opinion pieces.

Mostly, I'm curious how you
get away with saying as much
as you do. Have you ever been
sued? Do you ever edit stuff
out that you think could be
libelous? Where do you draw
the line?

Thanks,

Kevin Anderson
<Slappybass@aol.com>

Where do we draw the line?
That is rich. You remind us
of Tom Cruise's character
harassing Jack Nicholson's
character in A Few Good Men.
No wonder you're the
editor in chief.

We don't draw the line, and
no, we never get sued. Mostly
because we don't actually
parade anything as fact. When
in doubt, call it an opinion
piece. Or rename your
publication Pure Crap. Then
you can write anything you
want!

Neat, huh?

Sucksters

Royal Flush

If you guys had done your
research, you'd know Monica
would be on her knees for the
prime minister of Jamaica,
not the governor general.
Lewinksy always aims for the
top!

Oliver Willis
<owillis@yahoo.com>

Research was in fact done,
but in an effort to avoid
title redundancy with the
Estonian prime minister, we
chose to go with the governor
general of Jamaica.

Huck

I would like to nominate Matt
Drudge as people's princess.
I think it would have some
interesting implications.
(S)he would presumably
advocate justice and equality
for half-truths, untruths,
and possible truths, a cause
dear to the hearts of
Americans. Not only would
this legitimize the universal
human hobbies of
rumormongering and
exaggeration, it would
indirectly be an enormous
boon to creationists, alien
abductees, cereologists,
conspiracy theorists, and
fedora-hat manufacturers
everywhere.

Elizabeth Durack
<delphi@flash.net>

Well, Drudge occurred to me,
but since I'd already singled
him out earlier in the week,
I thought I'd refrain. The
omission I regret is Bill
Clinton - imagine him in a
job where his eating
disorders and tendencies
toward adultery would
encourage empathy rather than
calls for impeachment....

Oh, and one more thing -
cereologists?

Huck

Beanie Babies

Don't be too hard on those
youngsters who "brag" about
their $36,000 beanie
collection. Last spring we
were "brokers" for our 12-
year-old niece who had been
collecting beanie babies
since they were marketed in
1994-95. In fact, she even
had a few TY Rep exclusives.
With all the hang tags
missing, she cleared $12,000
by selling that initial
collection, Royal Blue, Spot
w/o spot, Quackers w/o wings,
colored teddies, etc. She's
well on her way to a college
education of her choice and
dreams.... Only in America can
we find a Disney ending!!!

arial
<arial@w-link.net>

Wow. That's kind of a nice
Beanie story.

suckers who bought them