The Fish
for 17 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Royal Flush

If you guys had done your
research, you'd know Monica
would be on her knees for the
prime minister of Jamaica,
not the governor general.
Lewinksy always aims for the

Oliver Willis

Research was in fact done,
but in an effort to avoid
title redundancy with the
Estonian prime minister, we
chose to go with the governor
general of Jamaica.


Fish With Letter Icon

I would like to nominate Matt
Drudge as people's princess.
I think it would have some
interesting implications.
(S)he would presumably
advocate justice and equality
for half-truths, untruths,
and possible truths, a cause
dear to the hearts of
Americans. Not only would
this legitimize the universal
human hobbies of
rumormongering and
exaggeration, it would
indirectly be an enormous
boon to creationists, alien
abductees, cereologists,
conspiracy theorists, and
fedora-hat manufacturers

Elizabeth Durack

Well, Drudge occurred to me,
but since I'd already singled
him out earlier in the week,
I thought I'd refrain. The
omission I regret is Bill
Clinton - imagine him in a
job where his eating
disorders and tendencies
toward adultery would
encourage empathy rather than
calls for impeachment....

Oh, and one more thing -


Fish With Letter Icon

Beanie Babies

Don't be too hard on those
youngsters who "brag" about
their $36,000 beanie
collection. Last spring we
were "brokers" for our 12-
year-old niece who had been
collecting beanie babies
since they were marketed in
1994-95. In fact, she even
had a few TY Rep exclusives.
With all the hang tags
missing, she cleared $12,000
by selling that initial
collection, Royal Blue, Spot
w/o spot, Quackers w/o wings,
colored teddies, etc. She's
well on her way to a college
education of her choice and
dreams.... Only in America can
we find a Disney ending!!!


Wow. That's kind of a nice
Beanie story.

suckers who bought them

Fish With Letter Icon

Girls Against Boys

Jeez, it's already
September.... Yuck on the
first picture today.

Good point about Diana - NPR
had a good segment on it
yesterday evening that
broached, among other things,
the "Cult of Diana" that has
swept Britain. Enough is
enough. She was a good
person, but definitely not
the saint that the popular
press makes her out to be. A
prude she was not. Hmmm...
lends a new meaning to the
epitaph, "The People's

I'll defend her choice to
have a good time - there's
certainly nothing wrong with
that. People do need to come
to grips, though, with the
fact that untimely deaths are
not reasons to canonize those
who have led otherwise normal
existences given their
station in life.

Kurt Cobain, anyone?


Chris Watkins

It's funny how a lot of the
media coverage of the
anniversary has made a real
- almost snide - point of
saying that people aren't
nearly as hysterical about
Di's death one year later.

Meanwhile, of course, the
global economy is collapsing
all around us, planes are
falling out of the sky,
hurricanes and tsunamis are
laying waste to the coasts,
and Titanic is out on video.

Christ, where is the media's

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Loved the graphic of sperm
vs. tampon!

However, as a player of
tennis, I take offense to
your snide comments about the
game. It is obvious that you
do not play it.

Now, before you leap on your
high horse and start the
knee-jerk alterna-rant about
elitist, yuppie, blah blah,
let me say that my high
school was too small and
redneck to have a tennis
team. And my social class was
formerly upper-lower class at
best. Tennis is cheap enough
for the poor huddled masses.
I currently play tennis
outdoors, do not belong to a
club, and have become quite
good at it. I frequently
pound the "country clubbers,"
who I loathe probably as much
as you do. They refer to me
as a mere "weekender." And I
don't work at a major
sportswear company either.
Nor do I aspire to.

With that said, I am going to
try and help you see the
light. Tennis is a metaphor
for combat. It is one of the
most brutal games on the
planet. It is about as close
as you can get without
actually hitting someone (and
sometimes even that happens).
People who love the game
(like I do) and play it with
gusto know this. I've never
paid to see a match. Granted,
the culture surrounding
tennis is definitely snobbish
and elite. And they dress and
behave like wimps. But I
guarantee you that even those
wimps who play and love the
game know that it is war out
there on the court. It is war
with manners (like, no
killing allowed).

Living in Portland, I can
understand how easy it is for
"cool" people in the "scene"
to look down on others who
participate heartily in
healthy activities. After
all, the Pacific Northwest is
home to "grunge" culture, the
current epitome of hipness.
It is clear, in this region
of righteous self-abusive
behavior (like smoking,
heroin, and spaynging) that
being good to one's body is
not hip. Well, to me, and
many others, being good to
one's body is the hippest
thing possible. Give it a

In the meantime, take it easy
on tennis, and any other
"wussy" games you come
across. And by the way, Bobby
Riggs was one of the greatest
tennis players of all time.
When he was a very young man
(21?), he entered Wimbledon
as a qualifier for the
singles, mixed doubles, and
doubles open classes, he bet
his life savings in London
that he would win all three.
The odds were impossible. He
won all three. He was in his
50s when he played BJK. To
win as many games as he did
against her, he had to play
extremely well (she was
great!). Read about it in
Tennis magazine.


Brian Barrett, 33

You make a persuasive enough
argument that I was
considering a full and public
retraction. Then I remembered
how much I dislike tennis
players - they're either
buffoons like McEnroe and
Agassi or glacial cads like
Ashe and Sampras. Not a
likeable one in the whole
bunch, ever since Bjorn Borg.
Chris Evert? Steffi Graf?
Martina? Please.

I believe what you say about
tennis being like war - but
that says less about the game
than your attitude toward it.
Hell, coming to work every
day and sitting on my duff is
like war.

You're right though. Tennis
is not a wussy sport,
especially when you compare
it to Ping-Pong and car
racing. It's just that David
Foster Wallace - admittedly
the best thing that ever
happened to the literary
defense of the game - has a
way of rubbing off on his
subjects, and he is most
assuredly (and proudly) one
of the Biggest Wussies.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Q: Why do girls wear makeup
and perfume?

A: Because they're ugly and
they smell.


Thank you for that, Jared.
You're in the club.

Now, Uglier and Smellier Than


Fish With Letter Icon

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