for 16 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Girls Against Boys

Jeez, it's already
September.... Yuck on the
first picture today.

Good point about Diana - NPR
had a good segment on it
yesterday evening that
broached, among other things,
the "Cult of Diana" that has
swept Britain. Enough is
enough. She was a good
person, but definitely not
the saint that the popular
press makes her out to be. A
prude she was not. Hmmm...
lends a new meaning to the
epitaph, "The People's
Princess."

I'll defend her choice to
have a good time - there's
certainly nothing wrong with
that. People do need to come
to grips, though, with the
fact that untimely deaths are
not reasons to canonize those
who have led otherwise normal
existences given their
station in life.

Kurt Cobain, anyone?

Cheers,

Chris Watkins

It's funny how a lot of the
media coverage of the
anniversary has made a real
- almost snide - point of
saying that people aren't
nearly as hysterical about
Di's death one year later.

Meanwhile, of course, the
global economy is collapsing
all around us, planes are
falling out of the sky,
hurricanes and tsunamis are
laying waste to the coasts,
and Titanic is out on video.

Christ, where is the media's
priorities?!!

E. L. Skinner

Loved the graphic of sperm
vs. tampon!

However, as a player of
tennis, I take offense to
your snide comments about the
game. It is obvious that you
do not play it.

Now, before you leap on your
high horse and start the
knee-jerk alterna-rant about
elitist, yuppie, blah blah,
let me say that my high
school was too small and
redneck to have a tennis
team. And my social class was
formerly upper-lower class at
best. Tennis is cheap enough
for the poor huddled masses.
I currently play tennis
outdoors, do not belong to a
club, and have become quite
good at it. I frequently
pound the "country clubbers,"
who I loathe probably as much
as you do. They refer to me
as a mere "weekender." And I
don't work at a major
sportswear company either.
Nor do I aspire to.

With that said, I am going to
try and help you see the
light. Tennis is a metaphor
for combat. It is one of the
most brutal games on the
planet. It is about as close
as you can get without
actually hitting someone (and
sometimes even that happens).
People who love the game
(like I do) and play it with
gusto know this. I've never
paid to see a match. Granted,
the culture surrounding
tennis is definitely snobbish
and elite. And they dress and
behave like wimps. But I
guarantee you that even those
wimps who play and love the
game know that it is war out
there on the court. It is war
with manners (like, no
killing allowed).

Living in Portland, I can
understand how easy it is for
"cool" people in the "scene"
to look down on others who
participate heartily in
healthy activities. After
all, the Pacific Northwest is
home to "grunge" culture, the
current epitome of hipness.
It is clear, in this region
of righteous self-abusive
behavior (like smoking,
piercing/scarification,
heroin, and spaynging) that
being good to one's body is
not hip. Well, to me, and
many others, being good to
one's body is the hippest
thing possible. Give it a
try!

In the meantime, take it easy
on tennis, and any other
"wussy" games you come
across. And by the way, Bobby
Riggs was one of the greatest
tennis players of all time.
When he was a very young man
(21?), he entered Wimbledon
as a qualifier for the
singles, mixed doubles, and
doubles open classes, he bet
his life savings in London
that he would win all three.
The odds were impossible. He
won all three. He was in his
50s when he played BJK. To
win as many games as he did
against her, he had to play
extremely well (she was
great!). Read about it in
Tennis magazine.

Sincerely,

Brian Barrett, 33
<bbarrett@wweek.com>

You make a persuasive enough
argument that I was
considering a full and public
retraction. Then I remembered
how much I dislike tennis
players - they're either
buffoons like McEnroe and
Agassi or glacial cads like
Ashe and Sampras. Not a
likeable one in the whole
bunch, ever since Bjorn Borg.
Chris Evert? Steffi Graf?
Martina? Please.

I believe what you say about
tennis being like war - but
that says less about the game
than your attitude toward it.
Hell, coming to work every
day and sitting on my duff is
like war.

You're right though. Tennis
is not a wussy sport,
especially when you compare
it to Ping-Pong and car
racing. It's just that David
Foster Wallace - admittedly
the best thing that ever
happened to the literary
defense of the game - has a
way of rubbing off on his
subjects, and he is most
assuredly (and proudly) one
of the Biggest Wussies.

E. L. Skinner

Q: Why do girls wear makeup
and perfume?

A: Because they're ugly and
they smell.

Jared
<jared@jonagroup.com>

Thank you for that, Jared.
You're in the club.

Now, Uglier and Smellier Than
Ever,

Sucksters.

Rejection Letters of Judy
Blume

Subject: Absolute Blume-age!

Hey, Mr. Bong: Just wanted to
let you know, I laughed my
ass off when I read your Judy
Blume rejection letters. As a
child of the '70s (and teen
of the '80s) [I found] Judy
Blume was the only adult who
seemed to speak my language.
It's just these kind of
people we (as adults) need to
ridicule - like baby spiders
consuming their mother at
birth. Now is our time, and
poor Judy needs to play
catch-up. The Beast!!!

S. B. Stokes
<scott@ofarrell.com>

SB -

'S funny, I was standing in a
coffee shop, late-nite,
showing off my demented
pearls of ribald wit to some
young thang, when she
(wisely) asked, "Don't you
like Judy Blume?"

"Of course I do," came my
reply. "And how dare she."

James Bong

Subject: !!!

you're nuts, but anything
about the end of the world
and judy blume must be the
work of a "gifted" madman.

rstevens
<rstevens@kilroys.net>

RStevens -

You mean I'm "nuts" like I'm
crazy, like I'm here to amuse
you? Like I'm a clown? Like
I'm here to fucking amuse
you?! Now go home and get
your fucking shine box.

James

Subject: Letters never
written

Remarkable. As dear Miss West
said, too much of a good
thing can be wonderful. Thank
you.

Incidentally, did you read
that a few missing pages of
Anne Frank's diary have just
surfaced and been published
in Germany? The world will
kick us in the face whether
we will it or not.

Alan Kornheiser
<ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net>

Alan -

Why, oh why, whilst I'm in the
midst of mocking colostomy
bags and teen suicide, do you
have to bring Anne Frank into
the mix?! That said,
do any other male Members of
the Tribe out there share my
delusions that someday
Natalie Portman will be my
wife?

Saving Private Ryan,

James

Subject: Are you there Suck?
It's me, Kurtis

Suck,

After charging up each day
with your sarcasm, I finally
felt the need to respond.
Pernell would listen to
Kurtis Blow not Curtis
Blow. Love your site though,
and it's the only one I
suggest to others because
it's funny and it also has an
easy-to-remember URL. Can't
wait for the second part on
Beverly Cleary's rejection
slips.

Still sucking,

Joshua Kemushi@hotmail.com
http://members.tripod.com/~Kemushi

Joshua -

Hmmm. Let me see ...
"Basketball is my favorite
sport. I like the way they
dribble up and down the
court. Just like I am the
king of the microphone, so
are Dr. J. and Moses Malone.
I like to slam dunk, to take
it to the hoop. My favorite
play is the alley-oop. I like
the pick and roll, I like the
give and go, this is
basketball with Mr. Kurtis
Blow."

Oh, you're right. Thanks.

James