The Fish
for 15 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
 
 
Suck Staff
 

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief

 

Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director

 

[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar

 

Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor

 

[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager

 

[Copy Edit]
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Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text
 

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman
Co-Founder

 

Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor

 

Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch
Suckgineer

 

Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor

 


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker

 

[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager

 

Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Rejection Letters of Judy
Blume

"Second, Judy, no one break
dances on cardboard boxes
anymore...."

Actually, you'd be surprised
- a lot of kids still do - A)
break dance (I went to a
Break-off last weekend -
there were 300+ people there)
and B) do so on Cardboard
boxes (Hey - they're
practically free, and lugging
around a 7' x 7' square of
linoleum is a huge pain in
the ass).

Happy to nitpick,

Jonathan Grant
<chyld@elwha.evergreen.edu>

Good god, man. This is not
the kind of thing you just
throw out there. We'd suggest
you keep your little
spectator sport to yourself
if you're at all interested
in forming meaningful,
long-lasting bonds with other
humans.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Stim II

Subject: blech!

I suppose you are looking for
an uninformed review of the
www.stim.com. Unfortunately
I was sucked into looking at
it (read wasting my time) by
that mail you posted. The
site was designed by a
colorblind dyslexic visually
illiterate programmer type.
The content seems to have
been generated by the same
person who exists somewhere
below a Suck intern in taste
but is against all laws of
nature making $40,000 per
annum. Don't waste anyone's
time by posting that damn URL
again. I think you should
remove it from the Fish.

as sincere as a coronary,
Varion William Mauritzen
<mauritwd@oz.fd1.uc.edu>

Thanks for the hot tip. We'll
check it out pronto.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

The Taming of the Shrew

Your pseudonym wouldn't be a
nod to the eponymous Nick
Cave song would it?

Matthew Longsfield
<ralloe@hotmail.com>

Yes, it would be. Unless
you're Nick Cave's lawyer,
intent upon initiating some
costly copyright infringement
case. In which case it
wouldn't be.

Huck

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Matt Drudge

Dear Mr. Huck:

Is not Mr. Drudge a patriotic
American?

<IrVce@aol.com>

I used to think so. But ever
since he decided to earn his
presidential kneepads,
servicing the insatiable CEO
of News Corp. in much the
same manner in which patriot
Lewinsky serviced her
commander in chief, I've
begun to have doubts....

Huck

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

I meet a girl named Kate and
we actually discuss Suck.com
during a candle-lit interlude
on her porch, and the very
next Suck column has "The
taming of the shrew" as its
title, which has no
discernible relation to the
content of the column.

Please stop following me.

David Nicol
<david@kasey.umkc.edu>

Hmm. Very interesting. Such
an injury would vex a saint.

Asses are made to bear, and
so are you.

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Rejection Letters of Judy
Blume

Subject: Absolute Blume-age!

Hey, Mr. Bong: Just wanted to
let you know, I laughed my
ass off when I read your Judy
Blume rejection letters. As a
child of the '70s (and teen
of the '80s) [I found] Judy
Blume was the only adult who
seemed to speak my language.
It's just these kind of
people we (as adults) need to
ridicule - like baby spiders
consuming their mother at
birth. Now is our time, and
poor Judy needs to play
catch-up. The Beast!!!

S. B. Stokes
<scott@ofarrell.com>

SB -

'S funny, I was standing in a
coffee shop, late-nite,
showing off my demented
pearls of ribald wit to some
young thang, when she
(wisely) asked, "Don't you
like Judy Blume?"

"Of course I do," came my
reply. "And how dare she."

James Bong

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: !!!

you're nuts, but anything
about the end of the world
and judy blume must be the
work of a "gifted" madman.

rstevens
<rstevens@kilroys.net>

RStevens -

You mean I'm "nuts" like I'm
crazy, like I'm here to amuse
you? Like I'm a clown? Like
I'm here to fucking amuse
you?! Now go home and get
your fucking shine box.

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Letters never
written

Remarkable. As dear Miss West
said, too much of a good
thing can be wonderful. Thank
you.

Incidentally, did you read
that a few missing pages of
Anne Frank's diary have just
surfaced and been published
in Germany? The world will
kick us in the face whether
we will it or not.

Alan Kornheiser
<ASKORNHEISER@prodigy.net>

Alan -

Why, oh why, whilst I'm in the
midst of mocking colostomy
bags and teen suicide, do you
have to bring Anne Frank into
the mix?! That said,
do any other male Members of
the Tribe out there share my
delusions that someday
Natalie Portman will be my
wife?

Saving Private Ryan,

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

Subject: Are you there Suck?
It's me, Kurtis

Suck,

After charging up each day
with your sarcasm, I finally
felt the need to respond.
Pernell would listen to
Kurtis Blow not Curtis
Blow. Love your site though,
and it's the only one I
suggest to others because
it's funny and it also has an
easy-to-remember URL. Can't
wait for the second part on
Beverly Cleary's rejection
slips.

Still sucking,

Joshua Kemushi@hotmail.com
http://members.tripod.com/~Kemushi

Joshua -

Hmmm. Let me see ...
"Basketball is my favorite
sport. I like the way they
dribble up and down the
court. Just like I am the
king of the microphone, so
are Dr. J. and Moses Malone.
I like to slam dunk, to take
it to the hoop. My favorite
play is the alley-oop. I like
the pick and roll, I like the
give and go, this is
basketball with Mr. Kurtis
Blow."

Oh, you're right. Thanks.

James

 
Fish With Letter Icon
 

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