The Fish
for 15 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Rejection Letters of Judy

"Second, Judy, no one break
dances on cardboard boxes

Actually, you'd be surprised
- a lot of kids still do - A)
break dance (I went to a
Break-off last weekend -
there were 300+ people there)
and B) do so on Cardboard
boxes (Hey - they're
practically free, and lugging
around a 7' x 7' square of
linoleum is a huge pain in
the ass).

Happy to nitpick,

Jonathan Grant

Good god, man. This is not
the kind of thing you just
throw out there. We'd suggest
you keep your little
spectator sport to yourself
if you're at all interested
in forming meaningful,
long-lasting bonds with other

Fish With Letter Icon

Stim II

Subject: blech!

I suppose you are looking for
an uninformed review of the Unfortunately
I was sucked into looking at
it (read wasting my time) by
that mail you posted. The
site was designed by a
colorblind dyslexic visually
illiterate programmer type.
The content seems to have
been generated by the same
person who exists somewhere
below a Suck intern in taste
but is against all laws of
nature making $40,000 per
annum. Don't waste anyone's
time by posting that damn URL
again. I think you should
remove it from the Fish.

as sincere as a coronary,
Varion William Mauritzen

Thanks for the hot tip. We'll
check it out pronto.

Fish With Letter Icon

The Taming of the Shrew

Your pseudonym wouldn't be a
nod to the eponymous Nick
Cave song would it?

Matthew Longsfield

Yes, it would be. Unless
you're Nick Cave's lawyer,
intent upon initiating some
costly copyright infringement
case. In which case it
wouldn't be.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Matt Drudge

Dear Mr. Huck:

Is not Mr. Drudge a patriotic


I used to think so. But ever
since he decided to earn his
presidential kneepads,
servicing the insatiable CEO
of News Corp. in much the
same manner in which patriot
Lewinsky serviced her
commander in chief, I've
begun to have doubts....


Fish With Letter Icon

I meet a girl named Kate and
we actually discuss
during a candle-lit interlude
on her porch, and the very
next Suck column has "The
taming of the shrew" as its
title, which has no
discernible relation to the
content of the column.

Please stop following me.

David Nicol

Hmm. Very interesting. Such
an injury would vex a saint.

Asses are made to bear, and
so are you.

Fish With Letter Icon

Rejection Letters of Judy

Subject: Absolute Blume-age!

Hey, Mr. Bong: Just wanted to
let you know, I laughed my
ass off when I read your Judy
Blume rejection letters. As a
child of the '70s (and teen
of the '80s) [I found] Judy
Blume was the only adult who
seemed to speak my language.
It's just these kind of
people we (as adults) need to
ridicule - like baby spiders
consuming their mother at
birth. Now is our time, and
poor Judy needs to play
catch-up. The Beast!!!

S. B. Stokes

SB -

'S funny, I was standing in a
coffee shop, late-nite,
showing off my demented
pearls of ribald wit to some
young thang, when she
(wisely) asked, "Don't you
like Judy Blume?"

"Of course I do," came my
reply. "And how dare she."

James Bong

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: !!!

you're nuts, but anything
about the end of the world
and judy blume must be the
work of a "gifted" madman.


RStevens -

You mean I'm "nuts" like I'm
crazy, like I'm here to amuse
you? Like I'm a clown? Like
I'm here to fucking amuse
you?! Now go home and get
your fucking shine box.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Letters never

Remarkable. As dear Miss West
said, too much of a good
thing can be wonderful. Thank

Incidentally, did you read
that a few missing pages of
Anne Frank's diary have just
surfaced and been published
in Germany? The world will
kick us in the face whether
we will it or not.

Alan Kornheiser

Alan -

Why, oh why, whilst I'm in the
midst of mocking colostomy
bags and teen suicide, do you
have to bring Anne Frank into
the mix?! That said,
do any other male Members of
the Tribe out there share my
delusions that someday
Natalie Portman will be my

Saving Private Ryan,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Are you there Suck?
It's me, Kurtis


After charging up each day
with your sarcasm, I finally
felt the need to respond.
Pernell would listen to
Kurtis Blow not Curtis
Blow. Love your site though,
and it's the only one I
suggest to others because
it's funny and it also has an
easy-to-remember URL. Can't
wait for the second part on
Beverly Cleary's rejection

Still sucking,


Joshua -

Hmmm. Let me see ...
"Basketball is my favorite
sport. I like the way they
dribble up and down the
court. Just like I am the
king of the microphone, so
are Dr. J. and Moses Malone.
I like to slam dunk, to take
it to the hoop. My favorite
play is the alley-oop. I like
the pick and roll, I like the
give and go, this is
basketball with Mr. Kurtis

Oh, you're right. Thanks.


Fish With Letter Icon

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