The Fish
for 14 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Rejection Letters of Judy

Subject: Absolute Blume-age!

Hey, Mr. Bong: Just wanted to
let you know, I laughed my
ass off when I read your Judy
Blume rejection letters. As a
child of the '70s (and teen
of the '80s) [I found] Judy
Blume was the only adult who
seemed to speak my language.
It's just these kind of
people we (as adults) need to
ridicule - like baby spiders
consuming their mother at
birth. Now is our time, and
poor Judy needs to play
catch-up. The Beast!!!

S. B. Stokes

SB -

'S funny, I was standing in a
coffee shop, late-nite,
showing off my demented
pearls of ribald wit to some
young thang, when she
(wisely) asked, "Don't you
like Judy Blume?"

"Of course I do," came my
reply. "And how dare she."

James Bong

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: !!!

you're nuts, but anything
about the end of the world
and judy blume must be the
work of a "gifted" madman.


RStevens -

You mean I'm "nuts" like I'm
crazy, like I'm here to amuse
you? Like I'm a clown? Like
I'm here to fucking amuse
you?! Now go home and get
your fucking shine box.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Letters never

Remarkable. As dear Miss West
said, too much of a good
thing can be wonderful. Thank

Incidentally, did you read
that a few missing pages of
Anne Frank's diary have just
surfaced and been published
in Germany? The world will
kick us in the face whether
we will it or not.

Alan Kornheiser

Alan -

Why, oh why, whilst I'm in the
midst of mocking colostomy
bags and teen suicide, do you
have to bring Anne Frank into
the mix?! That said,
do any other male Members of
the Tribe out there share my
delusions that someday
Natalie Portman will be my

Saving Private Ryan,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Are you there Suck?
It's me, Kurtis


After charging up each day
with your sarcasm, I finally
felt the need to respond.
Pernell would listen to
Kurtis Blow not Curtis
Blow. Love your site though,
and it's the only one I
suggest to others because
it's funny and it also has an
easy-to-remember URL. Can't
wait for the second part on
Beverly Cleary's rejection

Still sucking,


Joshua -

Hmmm. Let me see ...
"Basketball is my favorite
sport. I like the way they
dribble up and down the
court. Just like I am the
king of the microphone, so
are Dr. J. and Moses Malone.
I like to slam dunk, to take
it to the hoop. My favorite
play is the alley-oop. I like
the pick and roll, I like the
give and go, this is
basketball with Mr. Kurtis

Oh, you're right. Thanks.


Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: Anniversary

Dear Polly,

I'm surprised actually at all
the miserable carping about
your miserable carping. The
main difference is the
miserable carping in the
letters to you isn't funny,
and let's face it, without
funny we're just miserable.
Though that letter from the
insulted technical writer was
an unintended kind of funny.
At first I suspected his
whine was a set up, an inside
job. But then I recalled all
the humorless cretins I've
come across in my life and
thought: Ah, yes, of course,
this character is suffering
from irony deficiency, a
common ailment. It's a good
way of categorizing any
group. I have a cousin who
suffers from this crippling
disease. It keeps him from
understanding the reason for
things like Suck. He reads a
little bit of it, turns to
me, slightly slack-jawed, and
mumbles: "Uh, I don't get

Words to live by in the
Neo-Post-Retro Age.

a fan of your writing,

basil papademos

Hey, I'm not above the
occasional inside job when it
suits my needs, but that guy
was 100 percent real,
guaranteed or your money
back. Except Filler is free,
so ...

He did write back to let me
know that when he wrote that
he'd "never been employed for
more than a day," he meant to
write he'd "never been
UNemployed for more than a
day." With egregious errors
like that, it's hard to
understand how he continues
to get steady work as a
technical writer.

Then again, the world's
commitment to quality has
decreased substantially in
the past few years, keeping
the world's cats, as St. Huck
would say, ass-deep in

Ass-deep in Crunchberries,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hi Polly,

I'm trying to imagine a
scenario where Stephan
Cartlidge (the highly paid
aerospace technical writer
who only works one day) were
to apply his copy-editing
skills toward a pilots'
manual or perhaps text
crucial to the assembly
process of a plane.

My imagination is feeble. So
can y'all solidify my
thoughts with a cartoon or


Brett Ratner (highly
unskilled tech writer at
Deloincloth & Douche)

Okay, here's one. The first
three frames show Stephan
typing on his computer. The
fourth frame shows Stephan
printing something out. The
fifth frame shows Stephan
delivering the manuscript to
an office, where the sign on
the door says AEROSPACE
DEPT. or something similarly
cartoonish. The sixth frame
shows a rocket on the launch
pad. The seventh frame shows
a huge explosion. The eighth
frame (optional) shows
Stephan with a horrified look
on his face, with or without
tears. The ninth frame shows
Stephan typing on his
computer again.

Actually, this concept would
work much better as an action
thriller - Armageddon meets
Revenge of the Nerds meets
Terms of Endearment. A really
horrible title always helps
to draw crowds. How about Not
Without My Tech Writer's
Daughter, Who Never Cries

Yours in highly


Fish With Letter Icon

What great timing - your
third anniversary column,
with its searing
self-revelations, arrived
just in time to confirm the
Carnegie-Mellon study that
Net surfing makes people

Since we're all going down
the same psychic slide, what
we really need is features
like, "Drinking Yourself
Senseless: traditional vodka,
manly whiskey, or modish
Metropolitans?" and, of
course, "Suicide Techniques:
field test reports."

Harry Matthews

Hey. If more people read
Filler in all its unceasing
buffoonery instead of
searching Yahoo! Current News
for the latest, uh, current
news, then more people would
be less depressed. Or less
people would be more
depressed. Or, at least,
they'd find their depression
more entertaining, knowing
that so many people like them
are also entertainingly
depressed, or pathetic in an
entertaining way, or just as
confused and stupid as they

Or something.

Pouring manly whiskey,


Fish With Letter Icon

you guys are so weak! i
finally drag my ass over to
your building from china
basin landing in order to
grab one of those nifty
"suck" T-shirts and, besides
the fact that the fucking
thing is $15, the art is one
color. and it's goddamn
teal-blue at that. nice job,
assholes. how about you
spring for the multicolor
process next time, eh?



Rick Haelig

p. s. teal-blue? jesus

We're still looking for the
place on our site where it
says, "Citizen(s) of San
Francisco: Take time out from
your job at that alternative
weakly (sic) paper and drag
your ass over to our office,
where some office
administrator unfamiliar with
the workings of Suck will
lead you to our prehistoric
bins of merchandise unfit for
current consumption, designed
under the haze of deadlines
and a particularly toxic
strain of Bobe Hope floating
through town about two years
ago .... Remember that shit,
dude? Whoa. We didn't leave
our couch for like weeks
there. Everything looked ...
teal blue. We got used to it,
though, after a while, and
eventually started to like
prefer it almost sort of."

Fish With Letter Icon

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