The Fish
for 9 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

You're Dangerous, 'Cause
You're Honest

Subject: Suck and the state
of the world

Suck has confirmed the one
thing in life that I have
always known but never been
able to clarify in my feeble,
wrinkled, fatty brain.

People suck.

Monica Lewinsky sucks.

The Unabomber doesn't suck,
but he blows. Close enough.

J. Edgar Hoover sucked,
partially because of his
name, partially because of
his fetish.

Clinton asks people to suck
him. Again, close enough.

If Tipper Gore sucked, Al
would be a happier and more
interesting man.

Right-wing conspiracy
theorists suck, just because
if they were a little dumber
they would be in
telemarketing instead of on

So, basically, life
completely boils down to
things that squirt and things
that suck. That is the true
meaning of life.

peSUCKte Pete Ruckelshaus

Thanks for sharing the true
meaning of life with us.
You're a suck-ass little
squirt aren't you?

Off to buy a Squirt and suck
on it,


Fish With Letter Icon
Idiotgate '98

"Like Ignatius' soiled bed
sheet in A Confederacy of
our crazed obsessions
bear the stains of our humane
intimacy with the world."

Yeah! Right on. I haven't
finished reading it yet, but
I've been enjoying every word
of that novel. Ignatius is
still a hot dog vendor up to
the point I've read. I would
have finished it already but
I have to take 5-minute laugh
breaks between each page.
That book should be required
reading for every American
citizen. You want in? OK.
But first you have to read
this book.

Good article by the way. Keep
keepin' it real. I'd write
more, but my valve is acting
up again.



Thanks, Scott. Hope you're
still as enthusiastic about
the book when you find out
what's on that bed sheet. I
don't want to give it away,
but ... let's just say Monica
Lewinsky has a similar, er,
blot on the escutcheon.

Also, would you even let in
Canadians who read Confederacy of

Pylorically yours,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: viva fatties!

Dear Suck,

As a graduate of the
University of Wisconsin (BS
May '94, with honors)
majoring in Spanish, I am
quite disturbed by the
gordita discussion that was
continued by Shai Bing.

The fact of the matter is
that a gordita can mean
either a special taco or it
may mean a fat girl.

By pure chance a young
Mexican woman started
chatting with me on ICQ last
Friday, and I took the effort
to question her about
gorditas precisely because of
my concern for this issue.

I lived in Mexico for 11
weeks in the summer of '95.
While I was there I first
learned the word "gordita" in
the context of a fat female.
Shai Bing would do well to
consider that in a Mexican
context it's not as bad to be
fat as it is here. The stigma
that we seem to attach to
being fat here does not
really exist there. It's not
really considered an insult
to call someone a gordita (I
believe I would qualify as a
gordito myself), and a person
would not necessarily take
offense at being called one.
The -ito/-ita suffix is a
diminutive modifier, and is
often used for cutesy pet
names. On the other hand,
calling someone a gordote or a
gordota would almost
certainly be an insult; a
rough translation would be
"big fatty" or "big fatso."

I have heard of gorditas as
tacos although I never
encountered them in Mexico.
This may have been because I
traveled mainly in southern
Mexico; I don't know.
However, I do remember
reading a review of a Mexican
immigrant's new restaurant in
Beaver Dam, Wisconsin (home
of the annual Beaver Fest),
where she talked about
serving gorditas. When I
asked my Mexican temporary
ICQ pal about the gorditas as
tacos, she explained pretty
much what I remember reading.
They are tacos that are
folded shut ( I imagine in a
half circle taco shape, not
rolled like a burrito) and
pan fried. Sounds yummy.

It should come as no surprise
that Taco Bell gorditas are
neither exquisite nor
authentic. Every city that
isn't totally small and
insignificant has a real
Mexican restaurant staffed by
real Mexicans serving real
food that you would get in a
restaurant in Mexico. If you
don't like Taco Bell, don't
eat there.

As far as fatties go, when in
Mexico, be on the lookout for
the kind of fatty that you
can smoke (don't take it over
the border - just enjoy it
while you're there). I
believe the verb for "to
roll" in this context is

Chupar es bueno,


Jokes about fat women, tacos,
beavers, and fat joints? You
really wanted your letter
published, didn't you? You
obviously bothered to read
the minutiae of our policy

"43a. All letters containing
references to beavers, tacos,
bearded clams, fat people,
and drugs will be immediately
published, unedited, in their

Fish With Letter Icon

Reality Plus

Subject: Re: Lemmings

Animal killing is nothing new
in the "Wild Kingdom."
Remember that old movie with
the lemmings running off the
cliff ... turns out that the
Disney film crew actually
herded the lemmings off the
cliff. "Reality in a
simulated environment tends
to die off in ways that
really are kind of
educational." I suppose it's
everything you could ask for.


Yeah, and you wanna know the
worst part? Those lemmings
got points on the Net. As if!

herding myself toward doom,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Beers, cheers, and

Beers to you,

I really enjoyed your mockery
of appropriated didactic
history. I was laughing aloud
at the Nerf Inquisitors kit.
The laughter turned to
coughing and wheezing as I
tried to imagine myself
pulling down on the bellows
of time travel. It was at
that point that I became a
bit pensive
(hyperventilation?) It seems
that your primary audience
takes in its information
through text. Your point
falls upon the eyes of your
peers' ears, beers. Many
people, however literate or
contrary, think with other
senses and have imagination.
It could be argued that these
are exactly the people who
are likely to be sent into a
hypnotic trance by the visual
stimulus of a woman in a
white gown romping over green
rolling hills for a tampon
commercial. I like to think
that some of these displays
reach some of the people, no
matter how few. It's too easy
to sink to the level of film
critic. While great fun to
giggle, it's much better to
suggest an appropriate manner
of portrayal. I wonder why
this smacks of sex education
class. At any rate, I give
your article one thumbs up.

I was a bit puzzled by the
absence of the Memphis
Titanic display in your
story. My favorite part was
ending the tour in the gift
shop (we were funneled
directly into it). This is
where I encountered the
expected keychains and
refrigerator magnets. Thanks
for informing me about the
Disney thing ... I'd never have
gone to see it and I doubt
CNN would run a blurb on dead
Disney animals.

Varion William Mauritzen

The Nerf Inquisitors kit is
the wholly owned comedic
property of Mr. Terry Colon,
comedic stylist to the stars.
The rest resembles sex-ed
class because most of us
still giggle and blush when
we say "vagina" in public.
Hope that clears things up.

Oh, and as for Memphis: I
thought your reference to the
"Memphis Titanic" was some
sort of sly and knowing dig
at Elvis, but then I
gradually realized that this
wasn't the case. Didn't see
the Titanic thing, although I
did see Graceland. Please
note that Elvis covered the
ceiling and walls of at least
one room of his house in
green shag carpet.

But I'm right there with you
re: the Titanic audio
tour, as you describe it,
with bad acting and so on.
Awful audio re-creations are
popping up in the worst
places. In London earlier
this year, I visited
Churchill's underground
command center - where bad
actors had recorded a
simulation of what might have
been said in that space
during the war. Forty million
dead, and I'm snickering like
a teenager: I say, chap!
Jerry's putting on a rattling
good show, eh what?


tears, deers, and ears,


Fish With Letter Icon

Ware had lied about his own
life, Coughenour allowed, and
inappropriately borrowed a
hugely painful piece of
another man's private
history, but he had a
selfless and uplifting sort
of Robin Hood motive: He
stole from the rich-in-pain
to give to the
poor-in-understanding, to
teach to, as Coughenour put
it, "heighten the public's
awareness of the evil of
racial hatred."

Surely you are aware that it
is perfectly all right, noble
even, to lie for a good
cause? That's why they can't
fire Judge Ware. His "heart
was in the right place," even
[if] the rest of him wasn't
on that bicycle in Alabama.

And, of course, when the US
President lies, as they are
in the habit of doing, it's
purely in the public
interest. They wouldn't do
anything to harm the nation
for their own selfish

If you repeat a lie often
enough, people will actually
come to believe it is the
truth. I'll just keep telling
myself that.


Kevin C. Rolfe

Actually, funny that you
mention it. That line about
"If you repeat a lie often
enough, people will actually
come to believe it is the
truth" is the first sentence
in Suck's secret mission
statement. But we're pretty
sure it's for a good cause of
some kind....

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Isn't today's Suck column,
"Reality Plus," what Umberto
Eco's book Hyperreality is
all about? And isn't there a
response to all this
simulation nonsense in a
museum in Southern California
called The Museum of Things
That Never Were? or
something like that.

Randy Quinn

Umberto Eco stole all of his
ideas from advance copies of
Suck essays. Everybody knows

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

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