The Fish
for 3 September 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Filler: Low-Level Jobs

i may only be a naïve
College Boy, but i'm
currently on my third
internship, and i'll have you
know that my co-workers and
superiors have NEVER been
thankless boors. they are
wonderful, understanding,
professional people with a
healthy invested interest in
me personally AND my future.
and they read suck.

by the way, with a name like
that you should give more
credit to interns in lieu of
recent events.

Burr Settles

Soak it in, college boy,
because you're probably in
the only supportive office
environment you'll ever
encounter. Keep in mind what
you are to them: You're a
college boy. Mild-mannered.
Naïve. Waiting to be
filled with knowledge.
Polite. Cuddly.

Of course they're nice to
you. With a role like that,
it's funny you should bring
up Monica. Keep in mind what
Monica turns into once the
support and cuddling dry up
and she's competing for work
in the real world, sans

Linda Tripp.

Ah, yes. Our commitment to
disillusioning America's
youth never dies.

Future Krusty the Clown,

Fish With Letter Icon

I wish I could react to your
denigration of the technical
writing profession with a
blistering rebuttal ... too
bad your aim is so good.
Indulge me in an educated
guess ... might Polly E. be a
"frustrated writer" (after
all, she does work for Suck)
who deluded herself into
thinking that because
"writer" shows up in the
phrase "technical writer"
that she'd get to Express
Herself and Be Creative as
Part of Her Job?

Those people never last long.

Or maybe she thought, along
with a gazillion other
Executive Secretaries,
Administrative Assistants,
Mothers Who Want to
Telecommute and Stay Home
with the Kids, and C-minus
Engineering Students,
"technical writer? I could
get a job like that. How hard
could it be?"

Those people sit a few
cubicles down from me.

We in the field are often
known best for our lack of
humor regarding how we are
characterized: glorified
typists, people who make crap
"pretty," nontechnical types
who live at the way-far end
of the information food chain
who exist solely to write
tortured instructions that
justify poor designs and
follow the engineer's creed
of "We'll fix it in the

When you think about it, it's
astounding how overpaid we
are. Ch-ching!


E. Harris

So I hear!

I spent a few years typing
for a technical writer, and
ended up writing as a result.
It was during this dark
period that I wrote in my
journal, "I'm a technical
writer, which means that
technically, I'm not a

The good pay meant I could
work part time and support
myself, which meant I kept
the job much longer than I
should have. At the time I
was learning to play guitar
and often drinking to excess.
I had bangs. I ate steak a
lot. I bought a juicer that
I've used twice.

I don't remember the money,
but I do remember how much I
hated my job. Then again, I
was pretty bad at it, and
very lazy, and hung over most
of the time.

Vowing to go broke instead
next time,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run: Clinton Stuff

It's a matter of national
security when any high level
politician sleeps with a
woman other than his wife if
married. Anything could be
divulged to the wrong
parties. Wake up, man. Don't
you read Clancy? Is it an
accident that so many of his
story lines about this sort
of thing actually materialize
at the White House? Clinton
himself said "If a President
lied to the American people,
he would not deserve to be


Two questions: 1) You say
that it's no accident that so
many of Tom Clancy's story
lines actually materialize at
the White House. Are you
implying that Clinton is
actually molding his
presidency around Tom Clancy
plots? Fascinating!

2) Given our access to
hundreds of opinions on
Monicagate from every talking
head who ever set foot in
front of the camera, people
like George Snuffleupagus and
others whom we know and
distrust, what would give you
the impression that we'd be
interested in your opinion?

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: In Quest of Silence

Want an end to the endless
blather about the blow job
that blew away the
presidency? Take the pundits
seriously. If sexual
indiscretion is the threat to
American moral integrity and
family freedom, the way
godless communism was in the
fifties, let's demand that
anybody who comments on
l'affaire Lewinsky first sign
a Purity Oath (as in Loyalty
Oath, but updated). Such an
oath would consist of two
parts: an affirmation and a
promise. The Oath Taker would
affirm that s/he never has,
or would have, extra-, pre-,
or supra-marital sex, any
homosexual contact at all,
has never viewed pornography,
and has never, under any
circumstances engaged in any
sex act forbidden in any of
the 50 states. The promise
would be to allow the Oath
Taker's name to be posted
prominently (say here,
maybe?) and to cooperate in
any investigation concerning
the oath's veracity.

Anyone who wanted to comment
on Clinton's sexual behavior,
or anyone else's for that
matter, would either have to
sign the oath or expect that
most of the responses to
their comment would be
remarks like "If you yourself
won't sign a Purity Oath,
maybe you would like to meet
me later for a little, you

If the Purity Oath ever
threatened to become as
commonplace as the Loyalty
Oath was in the '50s,
think of the silence we'd
enjoy. Failing to be diverted
by the sexual behavior of the
famed and feckless, we might
have time to contemplate our

Howard Weinberg

You've uncovered an
interesting point - that
fascination with Monica
constitutes a distraction
from our own sexual behavior.
What you misunderstand is
that this is a willful
distraction - if Americans
weren't interested in
distracting themselves from
their own sexual behavior,
what would become of Monday
Night Football?

Contemplating supra-marital
sex in the same way we
contemplate supra-size fries,

Fish With Letter Icon

Walking Tall

Nincompoopery isn't a word.
My spellchecker underlined it


Robert Berger

"Fahrvergnügen" wasn't a real
word, either, at one point,
Robert. Neither was "Drox" or
"Retsyn." Get a new

Everybody's a damn critic.
Why can't you be more like
Nicole Stenger here:

mon cher,

this is one of the best
pieces of journalism I have
ever read. now, some
criticism: To say that a
French pilot is sharp-eyed is
redundant. God knows what
gets in the diet of those
creatures, but they have eyes
that see from airplanes,
airplanes that see like eyes,
cinema that eyes beauty, and
beautiful eyes that make
cinema. Though one thought it
was all in the nose, the
mouth, or the zipper, it's in
the eyes.

Nicole Stenger

You forgot that the French
also have "Lips like
dynamite," "eyes without a
face," and "a nose for
trouble." All of which
reminds us again that the
only way to stop a Frenchman
from smelling is to cut off
his nose.

Always happy to get your
fractured poetry, Nicole.

yr. cher,


Fish With Letter Icon

Fish on Brits


As a pale-skinned,
rain-sodden, pub-going,
pint-drinking, wanker-saying,
funny-haired Brit, I feel I
should point out that it's
trousers, not pants. As a
nation we wear tight

You also ommitted any mention
of bowler hats.

Toodle-pip, m'dear.

Nick Hatcher

I really like the tight
trousers and the funny hair,
and especially the
general-purpose funniness -
everything humiliating is
funnier when a Brit does it.

Rent "The Borrowers." If
those little people weren't
British, it would be a
horrible movie.

Another Being Bent On
Smooshing Little People (If
They're Redheaded),


Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes