The Fish
for 31 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Stimulating the Undead

Hey, check out - the
content up there now is
better than anything I've
ever seen from them ... maybe
they should offer Fluxx a

Gary Burke

Hmmm. Can someone else give
us an opinion or inside scoop
on this before we're forced
to check it out ourselves?

Fish With Letter Icon

Starr Wars

Special Salon announcement:

Dear Salon readers:

We were supposed to be
soaking up the sun on the
beach this week, while
recycling the best Salon
stories of the year. But the
rapidly approaching climax of
the Clinton-Starr war has
driven us back to our desks.

The editors of Salon, driven
back to their desks by a
rapidly approaching climax?

What else is new?

Fish With Letter Icon

Walking in a Nerve-Gassed

Subject: Cambodia

I'm glad to see that my
little note to you ("Don't
stabilize the Baht!"), with
its reference to Suck being
read by guerrilla insurgents
in Anlong Veng, may have got
some juices flowing in your
beery head. Now, I'm sure you
at Suck get plenty of strange
mail from fans and stalkers,
but this should be the
strangest yet.

You obviously have more than
a passing interest in Southeast
Asia, especially in the
bombed, mined, nerve-gassed
and forgotten hinterlands,
such as Cambodia and Laos.
Why not visit there? I am
going to spend a few weeks in
Cambodia starting 22 November
and I'm looking for a travel
partner. I have some
experience in this part of
the world, having spent time
in Thailand and Laos. My plan
is to fly to Phnom Penh and
spend a few days getting the
latest news on Siem Reap and
Ratankiri, while exploring
the capital's notorious
nightspots. Then I'll take a
speed boat up the Tongle Sap
river, to Siem Reap, just in
time for the annual Water
Reversal Festival, which
celebrates the reversal of
the flow of the Tongle Sap
River. After the recovering
from celebration, I'll spend
a few days marveling at
Angkor Wat, and then I'll
take another speedboat back
to Phnom Penh.

Back in the capital, I'll
gather as much information as
possible about the situation
in the remote Ratanakiri
region, and then I'll head up
the Mekong, hopefully going
as far as Laos.

How does that sound to you,
Mr. Beers?

Erich Von Hollander

Vacationing in nerve-gassed
hinterlands - what could be
better? However, some caution
is necessary. I'm sure you're
aware of this already, but
just in case: Try to keep
your enthusiasm under wraps.
Cambodians strongly
disapprove of "marveling,"
particularly by outsiders.
Also, keep in mind that Pol
Pot's henchman are well known
to react violently to those
with names that rhyme with
"colander." Perhaps a
pseudonym would ensure a
safer passage? Von Strainer?
Von Noodledrainer?

Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: other people's

Dear Sucksters:

Brilliant idea to have
uneducated, unhip,
unqualified people review
movies for the great
unwashed. Perfect for a
lemming society.

I remember a co-worker of
mine once went off on
"brainless, dangerous
cartoons like Beavis and
and that South Park
trash." After I gave her the
standard Comm 495 answer
about cause and effect,
perceived punishment, and
George Gerbner's cultivation
theory, she admitted she
never actually watched either
show. But, hey, as anyone who
works in media relations
knows, the media is never
wrong ... right?

I hate to admit it, but I
originally bought the media's
line when they trashed South
until my brother
convinced me to watch the
Christmas episode with Mr.
Heinke the Christmas Poo.
Hilarious, intelligent, and
knowingly subversive. (Now we
have floating South Park
parties almost every
Wednesday.) Anyway, here was
a show that knew how to push
the right hot buttons.

So in a society where those
lacking other marketable
skills (Cf. Howard Stern,
Marilyn Manson) can get rich
and famous by exploiting free
publicity among the morons in
the media - and the bigger
fools who listen to the media
- your secondhand review idea
is a winner for losers. A
book review on Neitzsche's
Beyond Good and Evil or James
Joyce's Ulysses would be
entertaining indeed.

Pragmatically yours,

Tim Booktu

A talking piece of shit is
intelligent and knowingly

Talk about a winner for

Fish With Letter Icon

Off the Charts

Your diagnosis of chart
disease missed one of its
most tragic effects. Since
the funniest bits of Spy
could be read in 45 seconds
of flipping through the
magazine rack, no one ever
bothered to buy a copy.

Michael Straight

Actually, probably what
killed Spy is that the
average potential reader
thought the charts were the
funniest bits, even though
they weren't.


Fish With Letter Icon

Am i just a culturally inept
dink retard or was that whole
DFW chart nightmare
purposefully hard to

Please explain.

Cola Cessium

It might be that you'd find
it easier to understand if
you read the Wallace story.
Although that's really not
essential, because the chart is
more about how movie studio
piss-boys recommend material.
That is, every idea has its
optimal length - too short,
and its promise remains
unilluminated; too long, and
its weaknesses become too
glaring. With this new
information, try reading the
chart again. If you still
don't get it, don't get down
on yourself - you may have a
wonderful career as a movie
studio piss-boy ahead of you.



Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Suck,

"Magazine" Name: What was I
thinking at moment when I
decided to buy (or read) it?
How often do I get a chance
to enjoy this fine sampling
of humor?

Typical reaction after
reading Mad: I should be
studying for test tomorrow
but somehow this seems more
relevant.... Can't have
enough good "poo" jokes. Hey
look - caricatures!

Spy: Sometimes this magazine
looks interesting. Why are
they obsessed with
"short-fingered vulgarians"?
Semi-naked covers feature
better art direction than
Lampoon. I am reaching a new
level of humor maturity....

Might: I am shocked. I did
not realize Adam Rich had
died tragically. Monthly.
Bi-monthly. Do you carry this
anymore? That's M - I - G - H - T.
Oh fuck it, I'll just
buy this Tragically Hip disc.
Adam Rich is not dead and I
am amused. Why are there so
few ads? Hard to find Spy,
therefore I am grateful to
have reliable, steady source
of humor. I really must
listen to more alternative

Suck: What is this, Spy
online? Internet connection
permitting, plus must be a
slow day. Where is Spy? Where
is Might? Here is Suck. Thank
you for your precious little
charts. Now I really must get
back to work.

Chris Gray
Toronto, Ontario

P. S. Your artwork is cool.

The key to a chart is its
graphic design - if you had
access to Suck's Terry Colon
in designing your own
letter-as-chart above, I
think you might have
pioneered a new chart-only
policy for reader letters. As
it is, your letter now just
looks like one of the
"experimental poems" that
Suck readers seem so fond of
creating. But rest assured
that I recognize that it is
much, much more than that.
And I thank you for the


Fish With Letter Icon

The trouble with charts and
graphs is that they are
two-dimensional and as a
result can be manipulated to
cause deception in the minds
of the viewers.


The trouble? That's their



Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes