The Fish
for 27 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


In the interval between
deciding to click
File:New:Message and actually
doing it, I realized I'd only
be one small part of the
deluge you would get on this
topic, but I cannot remain
silent! It is AM-PM whose
commercial features that
husband ne'er-do-well, not
7-Eleven! Don't they cover
this stuff in Ad Age?

While we're on the subject,
maybe you could clear up a
dispute for me -hey, I read
your ads, you can read my
problems. My girlfriend and I
have had an argument. She
says that the husband in that
commercial actually goes for
a jog with good intentions,
but gets sucked into AM-PM
because they have "so much
good stuff." I say that he
actually sneaks out of the
house under the pretense of
jogging, but in fact he
intended to head straight for
the store. I recall (but no
one else around me does) an
earlier, longer, version of
the commercial where he tells
her he's going out for a run,
and he has a sneaky look on
his face.

Also, you indicated they were
married. That was my
impression, too, although its
never explicitly stated in
the shorter version of the
commercial. Is there a
wedding ring? My girlfriend
didn't think they were

I should go back to work,

Tim Tolle

You're right, it's AM-PM. I
guess the brand identity
aspect of that commercial
isn't working, although I've
increased my popsicle intake

I haven't seen the "sneaky
look" segment you refer to,
and I've often wondered about
their marital status, mostly
because they seem so
unmarried, and she's so tall
and single-looking.
Prejudices, to be sure. At
any rate, I finally decided
they were married, due to his
calling her "honey," which no
unmarried couple in their
right mind would dare to do.

Too much thought over one
commercial? Most definitely,
but there's something about
it ... the lighting, the
angles ... God, I don't know.
All I know is that I've been
using that whiny "I got hot"
excuse constantly, and I'd
pay good money to see that
guy in a feature-length film.
In fact, I think I love him.

I should go back to therapy,


Fish With Letter Icon

I quite enjoyed today's
column on movie reviews being
written by people who haven't
seen the movie yet. I
probably would have enjoyed
it more if you credited the
folks at
with giving you the idea.
They've been publishing such
reviews for months now. What
with the Boston Globe's
problems of authenticity
being headline fodder for the
past week, I would think that
Suck would have given credit
when sucking off somebody
else's work.

David M. J. Wiebe

Trust me, I've never seen
that site, and wouldn't dream
of ripping off someone else's
ideas, since it's happened to
me more than once. The joke
in question doesn't exactly
take a genius to invent,
though - I came up with it
when a friend and I were
trying to decide what movie
to see and speculating
endlessly over what was worth
seeing and what wasn't. Blind
movie reviews have been our
little hobby for years now.

I'm sure does it
better, regardless. I'll
check it out.


Fish With Letter Icon

Can i do my own uninformed
review too? Saving Ryan's
Privates ...

It's about: War sucks and the
only honor is in saving your
fellow human ... we had to
pull the trigger ... oh my
god, a bloody limb! oh woe,
the cost of freedom, no
discount ... no outlet mall.
my god ... destruction! the
fruits of war! How it's approached:
Sugarcoated marshmallow
skulls fired point blank from
a shotgun into the gaping
mouths of the audience.

How it changes lives: - I'm
hungry ... but can't eat
after those special effects.
- Now i have something deep
and meaningful to say to that
babe i have been trying to
impress. - I'm hungry but
can't eat after hearing
people babble about it. -
I'll never go to war ...
unless i can't drive my car
and buy plastic.

-Now i know how to be a hero.

Howz that?

William Mauritzen

You know, William, your two
iterations of the word
"hungry" hit on my own war
movie brainstorm, and my
belief that, good as Private
was, it will ultimately
be considered the greatest
of all hell-for-leather war
movies, not a film that
made us truly understand what
war is all about.

War is all about hunger. In
any decent history or
realistic accounting, the
message is always the same -
starvation is war's constant
associate. But for all the
violence and horror you see
in war movies, you never,
ever see anybody going hungry
(unless they're pathetic
foreigners, who quickly get
handed candy bars by the
Americans). Which is why all
the explosions and mayhem
they show in the movies will
always be remote from us.
Because, let's face it:
Hardly any of us have ever
been shot in the head. But
we've all been hungry. Hunger
is something that everybody
can really identify with. And
it's the one misery that's
common to every war
everywhere throughout the
history of the world. But
it's the one thing they never
bother to show in war movies.

So there you go. If you want
to make a real war movie,
show hungry people. It may
not bring about an instant
end to the scourge of war.
But it'll end war movies on
the double.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Baby Grand

I peruse Suck whenever I get
bored at work (often) and
usually I find their writings
mildly amusing. But your
article today was one of the
best stories I've seen on the
stock market anywhere. I
find it humorous that
millions of "independent
investors" are haphazardly
throwing their money at the
market, be it dolls or
stocks. And who can blame
them, with all the success
their friends are having -
they must be missing out on
something because, heck,
everyone's making money but

Ramblings aside, excellent
article. If (when) people
realized how true it is, Wall
Street would not be a good
place to be.

Ted Postula

The market may rise and fall,
but no place that has
hundreds of guys in smocks
standing outside to smoke
cigarettes, a pub of the
quality of Cassidy's Liquid
Assets, an American Indian
Museum, and countless titty
bars in walking distance will
ever be a truly bad place.
Wall Street rocks.

yr. pal,

la vache

Fish With Letter Icon

my favorite was back during
the Great Tickle Me Elmo
Crisis of 1997, when Jay Leno
started showing classified
ads from random newspapers
people had taken out to
unload their Tickle Me Elmos.
The prices kept getting
higher, reaching into
thousands of dollars, when
finally Jay pulled out one
that said "Tickle Me Elmo:
$30,000. Comes with 1994


You've pretty much hit on
Suck's online epitaph:

Suck Almost as hip as Jay

Fish With Letter Icon

the thing that scares me
about the whole Beanie Baby
trend is the idea that, at
any given time, a certain
segment of the population is
essentially lying in wait for
"the next big thing," and when
this "thing" hits all of a
sudden there are people
standing at the water cooler
telling you, "i'm only 28
years old and i already own
32 Beanie Babies!!"

there are people that i know
that all i know is how much
they like Beanie Babies -
that is the most definitive
part of their personality i
can find. the scary part is
in thinking that there is
some sort of missing piece in
someone's personality which
"gets filled" via a trend
like Beanie Babies.

back during the whole O. J.
Simpson trial i remember
reading an article in a
Durham, New Hampshire,
newspaper about a bunch of
women who decided it was
their [self-appointed]
station in life to spend
EVERY waking minute of EVERY
day trying to collect various
media artifacts related to
the trial (newspaper
clippings, videotapes of talk
shows and nightly news
updates, etc.) ... you know,
self-appointed trial media
vigilantes - just to make
sure nothing "slipped by"
without someone noticing.

and i remember thinking "What
did these people do before O.
J. came along?" and, perhaps
more importantly, "What will
they do after the trial is

same deal with Viagra,
Lewinsky, The X-Files ... the
cultural void seems to suck
these things in as fast as
they come along.

Tom Laramee

You take my advice, you'll
start collecting tablets of
Viagra right now. Just leave
them in their little packets
with the labels on, and in
the post apocalyptic "Boy
and his Dog" future they'll
be worth a fortune to those
pale, flaccid subterraneans.

yr. pal,

la vache

Fish With Letter Icon

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