The Fish
for 25 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Baby Grand

While Beanie Babies are an
interesting hobby, I prefer
to invest my time and money
into something more
substantial and rare:
collectible tectonic plates.

Chris Rahe

You know, Chris, right after
I read your reference to
tectonic plates, we had an
earthquake out here in
California. On the day my
Beanies story ran, the market
dropped 112 points. The last
time I wrote a story as la
vache, the October '97
market break ensued on the
same day

Coincidence? I think not.

la vache

Fish With Letter Icon

la vache,

Brilliant article on Beanie
Babies. The whole article was
constructed perfectly. Maybe
I'll use it as a college
paper this fall. Anyway keep
up the good work. And what is
your personal opinion on
these damn Beanie Babies? Let
me tell you something, my son
and I (he's one year old)
went to McDonalds about two
months ago. I had NO IDEA
that they were selling Beanie
Babies there - or Teenie
Beanie Babies to be correct.
But this shit is amazing!
People were buying Happy
Meals over and over and just
throwing away the food!

Well, I bought my son a Happy
Meal of course, not because I
gave a shit what the toy was
- I knew my son wouldn't
care. But what he got was a
little worm Beanie Baby, so I
opened it and gave it to him.
He plays with it all the time
- so it's a little ragged
now. He's chewed off the TY
label, pulled the little
worm's eye strings out,
slobbered all over it, you
name it.

So I'm at the mall the other
day and there behind glass is
the same little worm - only
for $100 ! WHAT THE HELL IS

Thanks for your time -

Steven Masten


This is the third time in as
many days somebody has sent
me mail saying they want to
use one of my articles as a
"college essay." This is
almost as good as getting an
honorary degree! I guess all
those year of buying term
papers online, paying smarter
kids to take my place at
finals, and sleeping with
hairy, gross-smelling
professors finally paid off!

Everybody at Suck loves the
new Beetle, and in fact our
own E. L. Skinner has already
written a story on it. In
fact, the only controversy
we've ever found is deciding
which we love better: Herbie
the Love Bug!
or Herbie Rides

yr. pal,

la vache

Fish With Letter Icon

chere vache,

imagine my surprise when one
of my good friends (we went
to different high schools
together) was over at my
apartment and nearly lost it
when she saw Tank (second
edition, retired 1995) laying
amongst my collection of
stuffed armadillos. she
apparently had just spent
$140 on him at a flea market
the previous weekend. she
proceeded to chastise me for
removing the heart-shaped tag
from his ear, but I assured
her that I received two of
them for Christmas several
years ago and the other was
stuffed away in a box
someplace, unscathed
(although not in a protective
fiberglass Beanie Baby tube
with a plastic tag

she also took advantage of my
Nova Scotian roommate, asking
if Maple the Bear was easier
to find or less expensive in
Canada. she drew the limit on
that one at $100. maybe i'll
buy into all this Beanie Baby
craze someday. then again,
i'm the kind of guy who
waits to see a movie until
it's in the dollar theater.

- le tatou qui ecrit

What a coincidence! You're
the kind of guy who waits for
the dollar theater, and I'm
the kind of guy who licks
grimy, blackened splotches of
old gum off the sidewalk. But
when I want a dollar movie, I
go with my Nova Scotian
roommate to the Canadian
dollar cinema. Usually
they're only showing Exotica and
Canadian Bacon, but it's
almost 66 percent cheaper
than the American dollar

yr. pal,

la vache

Fish With Letter Icon

Back Storytelling

Hi, Ambrose.

Long-time listener,
first-time caller.

Hats off for your usual no-bs
discussion of US assistance
to the mass murderers. Keep
it up - we all need the
morning coffee to include the
occasional fist in the face
about how our elected leaders
abuse our apathy in ways we
can't even imagine.

But I don't buy your
reasoning that the link
between The New York Times
story and Pol Pot's death is
weak. Story runs, and after
73 years of disgusting life,
the man dies six days later.
But they wouldn't have known
about it, because it was ...
only the Times?

I'll grant a lack of forensic
pathologists on duty, but if
the Khmer didn't kill him, it
sure would have been in their
best interests to prove they
had nothing to hide by
putting the body on ice for a
few days.

And you're wrong about
Thayer, he never got to talk
to Pol Pot. He saw him at the
weird tribunal that had been
set up, asked a few questions
as the accused was being led
away, but got no answers.
Nobody has ever interviewed
the killer, nor ever will.

Basically, we're asked to
believe that the organization
bred of tyrants and
slaughterers (which has been
trying to clean its image for
18 years by saying every so
often that Pol Pot was dead,
and they'd changed, really!)
just happened to be there
when the worst dictator of my
generation died of a heart
attack. Six days after a leak
that an Eichmann-style nab
was on its way. I never
thought I'd have to suggest
you were being naive.

Jamie McCarthy

Well, sometimes it's more
naive to connect the dots
than it is to question the
big picture. It's easy enough
to attribute cause and effect
where convenient, but the
bigger discrepancies remain.

You're Jenny's sister, right?

Just connecting the dots.

Smugly oblique,


Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Ambrose,

An excellent essay! An
elegant riposte in
"mountainous hinterlands"
angle and the final rapier's
cut "accessories after the
fact" is pure evisceration.
You are awarded one ear.

Jack Garman

Meaning, you're cutting one
of our ears off, or you'll
listen to us with one ear?

Demanding that you stop being
smugly oblique, Sucksters

Fish With Letter Icon

Every time I start to get
down on Suck (every third day
or so, and always with Hit
and Run), usually for its
banal industry
interpretations that must
interest only media
professionals, a Suck author
comes through with frying
colors. Sure, "Back
Storytelling" deals largely
with determining the
appropriate role of media,
but it also (1) informs Suck
readers who may not have
otherwise known that the
United States supported the
Khmer Rouge and (2)
successfully demonstrates the
hypocrisy of the Clinton
administration in passing
blame to The New York Times
for letting Pol Pot (who was
bad, very bad) get off
without having to be tried
and, er, executed or having
to appear on Nightline or Larry
(although he might have
been just the guy to turn
The Magic Show
around). And
you also revealed some of the
flaws of CJR's
"investigative" methods,
which earns bonus points.

Nearly all (can you think of
exceptions?) new and old
media publications preach to
their choirs, but I hope that
some of the people who read
the CJR article also read
Ambrose Beers', although I'm
not sure what all this can
accomplish now: the issue
isn't on the radar screen of
mainstream media and those
who want to say that the NYT
was wrong will probably
believe so no matter what.
They'll always hope that they
could've seen Pol Pot's
execution on pay-per-view or
that we'd be a lot better off
if those meddling journalists
wouldn't interfere with our
country's efforts to rid the
world of 70-something
ex-murderous despots.

Also, I'd love to hear a
quick Suck take on Safire's
spiel (9 August '98) about
the current overuse of the
term content (perhaps
reaffirm my faith with Hit
and Run?). First Courtney
Love attacks Tina Brown and
now Safire does, albeit with
much less venom. Finally, can
you please update The Shit
more often? I believe in it
more now after having read
Fante. I'm also interested to
see whether or not you
eventually recommend
everything ever made by Pussy
Galore and Royal Trux (how
about "Thank You"?).


Frying colors, huh? You're
making us hungry.

Thanks for all those great
suggestions. We're calling an
emergency meeting today to
immediately implement all of
the very important changes
that you suggested.

(Implement = print out
suggestions, slide into
"suggestion box," eat
doughnuts, and talk about the
wisdom of recent all-Madonna
all-the-time programming on

Almost as smug as Craig


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: You are not Primus.

Dear Mr. Beers, I can't see
how you can continue to be
such an embittered old crank.
Get with the program, buddy.

Look, you're obviously
somewhat computer literate.
Go into Microsoft Schedule
and see if you can find the
"seven habits" wizard that I
found in my copy. Why, once
you have a personalized
mission statement and
automatic appointments for
"saw sharpening," you may
just become a highly
successful person yourself.
Angst, schmangst - read your
allotted amount of "wisdom
literature" and the whole
meaning-of-life thingie is
quickly resolved. Praise
Bill, from whom all blessings

Oh yeah, has Les contacted
you about the name?

Pete C.
Helsinki, Finland

Thanks for the tips, but
"Effectiveness" is not our
ultimate goal.

Highly ineffective and highly


Fish With Letter Icon

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