The Fish
for 21 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Seasick Parts One & Two

the movie trailer channel is
fucking genius

i'm gonna go raise a few
million and we'll start

Rich Stevens

There's only one flaw in the
movie trailer channel. Since
everybody knows the trailer
is better than the actual
movie, you're giving away the
good content, and only
charging for the content
nobody wants. What they
should do is reverse the
process with a
threat-and-rescue business
plan: "The Whole Movie
Channel." Show uncut movies
end to end, but offer viewers
a chance to ease the boredom
of plot and character
development by paying up and
just getting to watch

yr pal,


Are you, in fact, the
inventor of the swooshstika?
If so, are you going to start
a didactic athletic clothing

Brian Kay

I am not in fact the inventor
of the swooshstika. The real
inventor, whose identity is
known only to officials with
the highest security
clearances, is believed to
have been captured by the
Russians in the rubble of
Berlin, and was clearly
responsible for all those
years of Soviet Olympic

But as a matter of fact, I am
working on my own line of
habits sportifs. Look for my
fall line of high-jumping
Prince Albert rings and
cross-training Depends.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

I have just finished perusing
"SeaSick." This is the
greatest masterpiece I've
ever encountered and I will
be reading Suck every day
and, uh, buying all the
products advertised therein.

I particularly liked the
picture of the captain
wearing a rubber ducky life

Thank you for such elevating


a new Suck reader

Nancy Ross

Now this is the kind of
letter that just jumps off
the desktop and says "Publish
me!" Why can't all our
concerned readers have such a
refined sensibility? Thanks,
Nancy. You might want to look
into the competitive salaries
offered to professional
studio audience laughers.

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: The Next Baldwin

Hmmm. You think that Alec
Baldwin hosted the Clintons
simply for fame? There are
repeated reports here on the
Right Coast that he is
seriously considering a run
for elective office on Long
Island. True, he's blown a
run in '98 (the filing
deadlines are all past), but
Congress and both houses of
the state legislature will be
up in 2000. If he moves
across the city line, he
could even run in the Big
Apple in 2001.

He's rested and he's ready,
but it remains to be seen how
the slogan will end!

Harry Matthews

Thanks for the hot tip! But
really, what kind of damage
can he do assigned to little
old Long Island?

Of course, that's probably
what they said about Reagan
way back when.

Fish With Letter Icon

i'm bored and into
surveillance. as a child i
wanted mostly to play with
children of vietnam veterans,
i think so that i could learn
how to see you without being
seen. it rarely worked. as
far as i know, it may have
never worked. sometimes at
night my wife and i sit up
drinking wine and talking
about you. we pretend you
don't hear us and make
unlikely comparisons. "he's
as friendly as plankton." but
nobody really knows if
plankton are nice or lonely
or what. to get into a club
in north carolina you have to
become a member and sometimes
they humiliate you with a
questionnaire. recently i
was asked by the members at a
place called hell if i had
ever faked an orgasm, and i
didn't know. i said only when
i'm alone, but it was not
convincing. they asked if my
penis had a name, and i said
Y2K, which is obviously
wrong, and also not true.
it's another example of an
unfortunate analogy enabled
by wired magazine. i'm not
high, just bored and having
lunch. i can't see you now,
but i'd sure like you to see
me. you sound busy, but i
still haven't been seeing the
wired name 16 times a day
like you promised. sometimes,
when feeling generous towards
you, i find myself looking
over and over at an old jon
katz piece in a wired issue.
i look at it, and close my
eyes, look again, and so on
and so forth thinking to
myself that ian is the reason
for this relentless
representational barrage
within which i fashion

i love what you do, i just
wish it were closer to home.
dinner's still waiting on the
table for you. cheers.

Name Withheld to Protect

You mean to sound creative
yet frightening, right?

Join the club.

Fish With Letter Icon

Seasick Parts One & Two



David Luckett

I know that joke, but the
punchline should be "Death by
buffada!" Remember, if it
bends, it's funny; if it
breaks, it's not!

Fish With Letter Icon


you've touched on my personal
(ultimate) odor of humor:
slamming yourself.

say, can i sign up for the
Suck Cruise 2?

Blessed Be!

Peggy Smiley

By "slamming" ourselves, do
you mean parodying our own
project or masturbating? The
latter is definitely more of
a "riot."

Your ticket on the cruise
should be arriving by Ed
McMahon-post any day now!

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon

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