The Fish
for 20 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Subject: The Next Baldwin

Hmmm. You think that Alec
Baldwin hosted the Clintons
simply for fame? There are
repeated reports here on the
Right Coast that he is
seriously considering a run
for elective office on Long
Island. True, he's blown a
run in '98 (the filing
deadlines are all past), but
Congress and both houses of
the state legislature will be
up in 2000. If he moves
across the city line, he
could even run in the Big
Apple in 2001.

He's rested and he's ready,
but it remains to be seen how
the slogan will end!

Harry Matthews

Thanks for the hot tip! But
really, what kind of damage
can he do assigned to little
old Long Island?

Of course, that's probably
what they said about Reagan
way back when.

Fish With Letter Icon

i'm bored and into
surveillance. as a child i
wanted mostly to play with
children of vietnam veterans,
i think so that i could learn
how to see you without being
seen. it rarely worked. as
far as i know, it may have
never worked. sometimes at
night my wife and i sit up
drinking wine and talking
about you. we pretend you
don't hear us and make
unlikely comparisons. "he's
as friendly as plankton." but
nobody really knows if
plankton are nice or lonely
or what. to get into a club
in north carolina you have to
become a member and sometimes
they humiliate you with a
questionnaire. recently i
was asked by the members at a
place called hell if i had
ever faked an orgasm, and i
didn't know. i said only when
i'm alone, but it was not
convincing. they asked if my
penis had a name, and i said
Y2K, which is obviously
wrong, and also not true.
it's another example of an
unfortunate analogy enabled
by wired magazine. i'm not
high, just bored and having
lunch. i can't see you now,
but i'd sure like you to see
me. you sound busy, but i
still haven't been seeing the
wired name 16 times a day
like you promised. sometimes,
when feeling generous towards
you, i find myself looking
over and over at an old jon
katz piece in a wired issue.
i look at it, and close my
eyes, look again, and so on
and so forth thinking to
myself that ian is the reason
for this relentless
representational barrage
within which i fashion

i love what you do, i just
wish it were closer to home.
dinner's still waiting on the
table for you. cheers.

Name Withheld to Protect

You mean to sound creative
yet frightening, right?

Join the club.

Fish With Letter Icon

Seasick Parts One & Two



David Luckett

I know that joke, but the
punchline should be "Death by
buffada!" Remember, if it
bends, it's funny; if it
breaks, it's not!

Fish With Letter Icon


you've touched on my personal
(ultimate) odor of humor:
slamming yourself.

say, can i sign up for the
Suck Cruise 2?

Blessed Be!

Peggy Smiley

By "slamming" ourselves, do
you mean parodying our own
project or masturbating? The
latter is definitely more of
a "riot."

Your ticket on the cruise
should be arriving by Ed
McMahon-post any day now!

yr pal,


Fish With Letter Icon



You probably get bored
reading this kind of
pointless email, but I just
thought I would let you know
that that thing you wrote in
Suck was great. We British
love to have our
stereotypical views of
America massaged.

Thanks again,


The stereotypes are true,
Mike. All of them.

I bet you have pale skin and
you're drinking tea and eating
crumpets right now, because
there's nothing on the telly
and it's raining out, but
later you're going down to
the pub and have a pint and a
bit of a talk with the lads.

And I bet you wear tight
pants and have funny hair and
say "wanker" and "wank" and
"wanky" a lot. You Brits are
so cute.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Greetings from

Yes, I live in Goldsboro, but
I'm not bent out of shape
over the "way new white
trash" references. They were
well done ... reminded me of
some folks I know. But didn't
Mad Magazine do something
like this in the '70s?

It has already been
established that no one wants
to read about the members of
the middle and sub-middle
classes, except as the
objects of humor or tragedy.
Most people I know - even the
ones that fit your parody -
realize that celebrities
don't read People or watch
Lifestyles of the Rich and
as avidly as "the
little people." But the
people selling faux-glimpses
into the lives of celebrities
as well as the people buying
those glimpses don't mind
that celebrities would kill
themselves before living in a
Goldsboro trailer park.

Maybe it's like this - once
we had mythology, gods, and
heroes; now we have movie
stars and politicians. It is
the same scam, but it's a
scam people like and want. Or
did I just miss the point of
your column?

David do-you-want-bitterness-
and-cynicism-with-that? Rouse

P.S. Goldsboro mentioned in
Suck, I've got to go tell all
my friends!

It's a scam I like and want,
David! But then I'm from
North Carolina, too.

As little as they get,


Fish With Letter Icon

Hit and Run

As usual, your column was
pretty good (especially the
Maureen Dowd part), but you
were wrong to fear that
puppeteering was going the
way of the privilege of being
forced to die for your
country. Incessantly annoying
MTV has a new "program"
called The Sifl and Olly
(I think) that consists
of two lame-ass teenage sock
puppets doing a mock
public-access show, replete
with interviews (ranging from
plants to, yes, orgasms) and
fairly decent music videos.
Stumbling onto it at some
ungodly hour of the morning,
baked out of my brains, was
akin to seeing Fear and
Loathing in Las Vegas
ether - wonderfully bizarre,
strangely apropos, and more
than a tad terrifying. I
suppose it only loosely
qualifies as "puppeteering,"
but it's funny as balls.

Yours in Hell or high

B. A. Baracus

We'll have to check that out,
B. A.! (Yes, yes, we are
aware that we linked to it at
the end of the paragraph in
question, but sometimes our
own links are too scary to
follow. This was one of those
times. Your letter has given
us a small dollop of courage:
the show's probably
embarrassing and
uncomfortable, but anything's
less embarrassing and
uncomfortable than Fanatic,
right?) Anyway, say hello to
Hannibal for us, and see you
in the lobby of the Mirage!

Fish With Letter Icon

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