The Fish
for 18 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Cruisin' Kmart

Subject: I can't go to Kmart
without thinking about Tom
Cruise and Dustin Hoffman.

"The 's' word in the last
decade has made the journey
from not-ready-for-
prime-time profanity to mild
oath to lazy punchline to
formerly hot brand name to
barely noticeable plosive, we
can't help but feel

Missed a link in there to the
"Kmart sucks" line in Rain

Or was it left out because it
was too obvious

Or was it left out because no
P. P. deal with Kmart?

A trademark infraction case
where Kmart went after
someone with a "kmart sucks"
Web page (covered in a story at
but Tom Cruise's role in making
the juxtaposition of those
particular three syllables
easy to say is not mentioned.

David Nicol

We're pretty sure that Tom
Cruise didn't write that
line, he just said it. But
who couldn't deliver such a
line with vigor?

Give credit where credit's
due. Whoever wrote Rain Man
is the one we should thank.
"Thank the writer, man!" said
the thankless, unthankable

Fish With Letter Icon

The Spud Buster Speaketh


It's a little hard to speak
for a state that speaks so
loudly with vituperation
spewing from every hole
(Montana), but I do have to
speak out for how Idaho
sucks. First off, there are
really two states combined
into one overglorified,
tree-hating map section. The
one for people like Bo Gritz,
and another for the Yuppie
scum who wish they could
write for Suck. And here I
am. There is one more section
to Idaho, but they all wish
they could just get the
Internet so they can read
Suck, but we don't
acknowledge them here unless
we want to bitch about how
much they suck by bringing in
nuclear waste so that all the
highly trained nuclear staff
can't touch it. Long live
Idaho and Suck.

Jay Kanta Boise, ID
(not Iowa)

Interesting rhetorical style,
Jay. You're speaking out for
how Idaho sucks, but you
close with the urge that both
Idaho and Suck live long and
prosper? You explain that
there are four different
kinds of Idaho, one for
people like Bo, another for
people who wish they could
write for Suck, another for
those who wish they could get
online so they could read
Suck, and another for you.
While we're glad to factor so
large in your egocentric
universe, we find it hard to
believe that knowledge of
Suck is a credible
determining factor in
defining different
populations in your state.
Besides, aren't most people
out there too busy picking
potatoes to get online, let
alone read online magazines?

Familiarize yourself with
some statistical methods and
get back to us.

Fish With Letter Icon

Unsafety First


Always liked Ralph Nader but
have to admit there is
something "not there" about
him. He is what we used to
call a "grind." Current
locution - "wonk." A poster
child for psychedelic
intervention? I dunno. And
then there's his name. Kinda
dweebie, but somehow you
can't quite twist it around
enough to actually get a good
chuckle out of it. Heck, you
can't even butch it up.
"Nader's Raiders." Ooooooh.
Kinda like Dukakis in a tank,
looking like a perky Alfred
E. Neuman. Kill your

Jack Garman

I believe the current
locution is "asshole," but I
see where you're coming from.

equipping my tank with an

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey A. B.:

I didn't quite get the column
today. So you have a problem
with Nader. The only thing I
got from today's column was
that you think Nader is a
busy guy. So what? Maybe if
you had met Nader at a party
and he slapped you that would
be something.

Consumerly yours;

Tim O'Neil

Nader got with my lady.


Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Mr. Beers:

Mr. Nader's irrelevance is
far surpassed by your boorish
and smug attitude. He has
done more to save lives and
raise consciousness than you
can ever dream of achieving
with the sniveling, spiteful
rubbish I read here today.
This was my first visit to
Suck and it will be my last.
Tell me, do you like kicking
puppies and stealing candy
from children also?

When someone comes along and
tries to do something good in
this world, I regret there
will always be exploitative
slime like yourself who would
ridicule and belittle
anything noble for personal
gain, undoubtedly due to an
emptiness of anything
remotely resembling such good
will and integrity. The good
thing is that people like you
and the trash you produce are
so very easy to forget.


Danny Bowman

I'll give you $10 if you can
name three concrete things
Ralph Nader has done to "save
lives and raise

Incidentally, don't talk to
me about stealing candy from
children until you've tried
snatching Gummy Bears from
a 35-year-old midget. Talk
about consciousness raising.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

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