The Fish
for 17 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Unsafety First


Always liked Ralph Nader but
have to admit there is
something "not there" about
him. He is what we used to
call a "grind." Current
locution - "wonk." A poster
child for psychedelic
intervention? I dunno. And
then there's his name. Kinda
dweebie, but somehow you
can't quite twist it around
enough to actually get a good
chuckle out of it. Heck, you
can't even butch it up.
"Nader's Raiders." Ooooooh.
Kinda like Dukakis in a tank,
looking like a perky Alfred
E. Neuman. Kill your

Jack Garman

I believe the current
locution is "asshole," but I
see where you're coming from.

equipping my tank with an

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey A. B.:

I didn't quite get the column
today. So you have a problem
with Nader. The only thing I
got from today's column was
that you think Nader is a
busy guy. So what? Maybe if
you had met Nader at a party
and he slapped you that would
be something.

Consumerly yours;

Tim O'Neil

Nader got with my lady.


Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Mr. Beers:

Mr. Nader's irrelevance is
far surpassed by your boorish
and smug attitude. He has
done more to save lives and
raise consciousness than you
can ever dream of achieving
with the sniveling, spiteful
rubbish I read here today.
This was my first visit to
Suck and it will be my last.
Tell me, do you like kicking
puppies and stealing candy
from children also?

When someone comes along and
tries to do something good in
this world, I regret there
will always be exploitative
slime like yourself who would
ridicule and belittle
anything noble for personal
gain, undoubtedly due to an
emptiness of anything
remotely resembling such good
will and integrity. The good
thing is that people like you
and the trash you produce are
so very easy to forget.


Danny Bowman

I'll give you $10 if you can
name three concrete things
Ralph Nader has done to "save
lives and raise

Incidentally, don't talk to
me about stealing candy from
children until you've tried
snatching Gummy Bears from
a 35-year-old midget. Talk
about consciousness raising.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Breast of Burden

Big tits sacred to the NRA?!
I can't help but laugh, even
though I don't know what the
heck it means. Where do you
guys get this stuff?

Hey, in all seriousness, you
might share this with your
colleagues: the "US" before
the dollar sign ($) is
redundant, the dollar sign
originally being composed of
a "U" overlaid by an "S" (or
vice versa).

Sincerely Yours,

Kevin Rolfe

Yeah, that was a little bit
of a Suck leap of faith

Our presumption is that big
guns and big tits are a nice
match; although the latter is
in no real danger of
government regulation (thank
God for, er, small
blessings!), not officially
being covered by the US
Constitution but by Natural
Law and the Inalienable
Rights of Man.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Funny, by turns serious, and
yet also in places repulsive.
My compliments.

Not sure why, but as a
professional nerd i feel
compelled to comment on
matters of nerd culture. What
i find vaguely creepy about
the fascination with Ms.
Croft has not so much to do
with her dimensions as with
her demeanor. While there
might be a large untapped
market for nude celebrity
VRML files, it seems that
what many gamers get off on
is that the chick has a gun.
Now i realize that this is a
pedestrian observation with
the potential for being
mangled into an idiotic
thesis. It's probably just a
case of combining two
marketable things into one.
But i still think it's
pathetic that the game makers
are going for increasingly
fantastic female characters
and increasingly graphic
violence; not because the
games are going to get into
the hands of impressionable
teenagers, but because a
large part of the game's
buyers are people who should
know better.



Of course, these games are,
as a rule, stunningly
violent. I was playing TR2
with my 3-year-old daughter
on my lap; she was
enthralled, and I couldn't
convince her that Lara was
"tranquilizing" her rivals.

It was only a matter of time
before that tried-and-true
American formula, sex +
violence = entertainment, was
applied to the fancies of the
junior high contingent.

Scary indeed.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

One small note about your
Lara Croft piece:

Shortly after the success of
the first game, Eidos
Interactive hired a comely
young model to be the "real"
Lara Croft for appearances at
gaming conventions and the

Her name is Rhona Mitra, and
her secondary sex
characteristics are - you
guessed it - 100 percent Dow
Corning silicone.

For extra irony, note that
Ms. Mitra's father is in fact
a cosmetic surgeon in London,
although she denies
strenuously that he did the
boob job himself.

Yr. Slavish Admirer,

Nathan J. Mehl

It's funny and odd that Eidos
seems to have abandoned this
arrangement. Now with a Lara
Croft movie in the making,
the unofficial word is that
Liz Hurley might play the
Violent Femme (whereas plenty
of TR fans would love to see
an animated movie, keeping
the legend pure and
uncorrupted by flesh).

There seems to be some
confusion about whether they
can, um, pull off the
cyberlebrity of LC without a
set of real - by which I mean
tangible - jugs to back it
up. Rhona certainly has what
it takes, in this dubious

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

I read your article about
breast's. I liked it. It was
funny but truthful at the
same time. Some parts were
odd while others where
insightful. I just wanted to
let you know that.

Christopher Banyots
male, 22, Ohio State
university senior

That's what we're trying to
do around here: uphold our
commitment to writing that's
at once odd and insightful.
Funny, but truthful. Strange,
but forgiving. Vast and
unknowable, yet palpable,
constant, within reach.

Continue your higher
education, son, and you can
be just like us.

Sincerely Breast's,


Fish With Letter Icon

The Stuff -- it's a list of stuff we like

Little link to Suck
Arrow Image
Contacting Us
Contributors Index
Little Barrel Link
Little Gun Link
A machine producing Suck
Link To Tech Notes