The Fish
for 14 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Breast of Burden

Big tits sacred to the NRA?!
I can't help but laugh, even
though I don't know what the
heck it means. Where do you
guys get this stuff?

Hey, in all seriousness, you
might share this with your
colleagues: the "US" before
the dollar sign ($) is
redundant, the dollar sign
originally being composed of
a "U" overlaid by an "S" (or
vice versa).

Sincerely Yours,

Kevin Rolfe

Yeah, that was a little bit
of a Suck leap of faith

Our presumption is that big
guns and big tits are a nice
match; although the latter is
in no real danger of
government regulation (thank
God for, er, small
blessings!), not officially
being covered by the US
Constitution but by Natural
Law and the Inalienable
Rights of Man.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Funny, by turns serious, and
yet also in places repulsive.
My compliments.

Not sure why, but as a
professional nerd i feel
compelled to comment on
matters of nerd culture. What
i find vaguely creepy about
the fascination with Ms.
Croft has not so much to do
with her dimensions as with
her demeanor. While there
might be a large untapped
market for nude celebrity
VRML files, it seems that
what many gamers get off on
is that the chick has a gun.
Now i realize that this is a
pedestrian observation with
the potential for being
mangled into an idiotic
thesis. It's probably just a
case of combining two
marketable things into one.
But i still think it's
pathetic that the game makers
are going for increasingly
fantastic female characters
and increasingly graphic
violence; not because the
games are going to get into
the hands of impressionable
teenagers, but because a
large part of the game's
buyers are people who should
know better.



Of course, these games are,
as a rule, stunningly
violent. I was playing TR2
with my 3-year-old daughter
on my lap; she was
enthralled, and I couldn't
convince her that Lara was
"tranquilizing" her rivals.

It was only a matter of time
before that tried-and-true
American formula, sex +
violence = entertainment, was
applied to the fancies of the
junior high contingent.

Scary indeed.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

One small note about your
Lara Croft piece:

Shortly after the success of
the first game, Eidos
Interactive hired a comely
young model to be the "real"
Lara Croft for appearances at
gaming conventions and the

Her name is Rhona Mitra, and
her secondary sex
characteristics are - you
guessed it - 100 percent Dow
Corning silicone.

For extra irony, note that
Ms. Mitra's father is in fact
a cosmetic surgeon in London,
although she denies
strenuously that he did the
boob job himself.

Yr. Slavish Admirer,

Nathan J. Mehl

It's funny and odd that Eidos
seems to have abandoned this
arrangement. Now with a Lara
Croft movie in the making,
the unofficial word is that
Liz Hurley might play the
Violent Femme (whereas plenty
of TR fans would love to see
an animated movie, keeping
the legend pure and
uncorrupted by flesh).

There seems to be some
confusion about whether they
can, um, pull off the
cyberlebrity of LC without a
set of real - by which I mean
tangible - jugs to back it
up. Rhona certainly has what
it takes, in this dubious

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

I read your article about
breast's. I liked it. It was
funny but truthful at the
same time. Some parts were
odd while others where
insightful. I just wanted to
let you know that.

Christopher Banyots
male, 22, Ohio State
university senior

That's what we're trying to
do around here: uphold our
commitment to writing that's
at once odd and insightful.
Funny, but truthful. Strange,
but forgiving. Vast and
unknowable, yet palpable,
constant, within reach.

Continue your higher
education, son, and you can
be just like us.

Sincerely Breast's,


Fish With Letter Icon


In both Suck and the Fish
today, it seemed that there
were a lot of letters from
Canadians (and others)
bashing America, and a lot of
letters from Americans
defending, via irony or
otherwise, their own nation.
Only today did it occur to me
that this is not something I
am used to seeing. It's a new
thing, and because it's on
Suck, it's a thing worth
waking up and paying
attention to.

For about a year and a half
or so, I have been a loyal
Suck reader. Almost every day,
I touch base to laugh at the
jokes I do understand, smile
dutifully at the ones I'm not
educated enough to - but at
least have the facility to
recognize as jokes, and
remind myself to be more
attentive to the world around
me for the rest. No matter
what kind of smartassed
comments you may have in
response to this, Suck
remains an excellent media
barometer and outlet for
social commentary. While
Salon can only express it's
sycophantic devotion to that
one guy in the White House (I
forgot what his name was -
sorry, I don't watch a lot of
TV), talk about sex, and bash
my religion; Suck gives me
the goods and leaves it up to
me to digest them.


Brian Root

Well, we only disagree with
one point you made:
"[B]ecause it's on Suck, it's
a thing worth waking up and
paying attention to."

Common misperception. Here's
the correct interpretation:
Because it's on Suck, it's
something someone at Suck is
paying attention to. Period.


Fish With Letter Icon

Fish Tacos

One of the readers sent in
this message, which you
printed in Fish:

"'Gorditas' with a capital G?
'Dew,' I can understand -
Mountain Dew is a trademark.
But gorditas is just another
word for really thick
tortillas (or the tacos you
make with 'em) here in New
Mexico and over in Texas.
They can't trademark that,
thank God."

I'm not sure if they are
lying about being from
Texas/New Mexico or if they
are just disconnected from
the Mex half of TexMex ... but
the word "gorditas" is
commonly used as the short
version of "fat girls." Gordo
with a feminine -ita. While
tacos with a thick shell
might be called "fatties," it
is not a name that I would
imagine being used by a Taco

This is pointless and
irrelevent of course, but as
a Texan, I don't like to be
misrepresented - not that it
doesn't happen quite
frequently in the media. See
Jasper hate crime, or the
"real" government of the
republic of Texas.

Peace and Joy,

Shai Bing

Wow. This makes for an
excellent deconstruction of
the Taco Bell commercial for
Gorditas, revealing its true
meaning to be not unlike that
of the Queen anthem which
includes the words,
"Fat-bottomed girls you make
the rocking world go 'round!"

And now, fat girls have been
rendered "a thing worth
waking up and paying
attention to" by dint of
their inclusion on the pages
of Suck.

God bless you, Taco Bell.


Fish With Letter Icon


Dear Bartel,

as it turns out, there is
already a cruise, which is
offering a very intimate
contact between the makers
and the readers of a press
organ: the special-interest
magazine in the field of
mammary glands, Score
(pardon), offers a ship
cruise, aptly named "boob
cruise," to its readers. The
overwhelming beauty of that
concept reveals itself upon
the thought that this vessel
of hyperreality (the mag, not
the ship) is institutionally
sinking itself metaphorically
once a year. A toast to
Baudrillard and my chapeau off to
you, for your great
alternative joyride, which is
almost guaranteed to keep
everyone out of the gutter,
in comparison.

yours sincerely,


What exactly does one do on a
"boob cruise"?

Images flood into minds ...

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Suck tour

What's funny, what's REALLY
funny, is that it would work.
Do it as a bus tour through
the SF wine area, stopping at
the local vineyards to slurp
a few, throw in some of the
writers and editors (all of
whom need to get out more
anyway), charge a few bucks.
Incredible publicity. It
would even show a profit. Not
to mention providing material
for a book.

As you know, my lady just
came back from running such a
thing through Iran - first
class hotels, art lectures,
and death-to-America posters.
Compared to that, the Suck
tour is plain vanilla.

Sign me up as guest lecturer.
It just isn't
without The Doctor, right?



But sunshine, Dr. Kornheiser,
red wine? It might attract
the wrong element.

Fish With Letter Icon

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