for 12 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Mondo Cannes

Subject: Selling Private
Ryan

I haven't yet seen Saving
Private Ryan. I may or may
not do so this summer, though
if and when I see it on a
VCR, I'll probably pine
somewhat for a larger screen,
higher resolution, and better
sound. While everyone is
spewing drivel over its
visceral realism and its
supposed "war as it really
is" schtick, my own visceral
sensations are more of
annoying irritation over the
Death-of-Princess-Di-like
media-hype carpet bombing.

I've found most of
Spielberg's work spectacular
though schmaltzy. Overdone
theatrics, cutesy dialog and
characterizations,
supermarket tabloid
sensationalism, and possibly
worst of all, John Williams'
unbearable nuclear cornball
musical scores. Schindler's
List was a tremendous,
valiant attempt by Spielberg
to not be so Spielberg, and
I'll give it to the guy that
he had some success. The
trailers for Saving Private
Ryan, however, seem like a
solemn promise to moviegoers
that the ultimate, super
colossal, bar-none, maximum
cornball-schmaltz-mindless-
noise-and-action-holyshit-wow
orgasm of Spielbergiana can
be had for the measly price
of a movie ticket.

I cannot escape the endless
hype. The legacy of our time
is hype. Nothing is real
without hype. If something
does not have a tsunami of
talking heads, reels of tape,
slick magazine photos, sexy
celebs emoting in my face,
and megabytes of feverish
keyboard slapping behind it,
it can't possibly be worth
what few moments of attention
I am supposed to invest in
it. Finally, 50 years after
the damn war ended, some
schmo tells it like it really
was. Gee willikers.... [About
three paragraphs were omitted
here - ed.]

Holy shit. I'll bet half the
damn Saving Private Ryan
audience will secretly wish
we could really have a war,
'cause it looks so cool and
all.

Heinz Hemken
<zotz@franchiseloan.com>

How fabulous that you'd
write, just as our new
concept, "Movie Reviews by
People Who Haven't Seen the
Movie," is being revealed in
Filler.

The hilarious thing is, your
refreshingly uninformed
review is almost exactly the
same as the fictional one
that appears in Filler this
week! Proving once again that
fact is always funnier and
stranger than fiction.

Saving Private Ryan isn't a
perfect movie, but that first
war scene most definitely
will kick you in the ass, and
it most definitely will not
make you think war looks
cool.

But then again, you probably
shouldn't see it, because
then you can continue to
share your shockingly
original and informed views
with the world with the same
fervor you've demonstrated
here.

Polly

Filler

Subject: Oh, Canaduh!

Polly,

Lovely tirade of 4 August.
I'm sick of these people
(regardless of their
nationality) who feel they
can safely generalize about
American culture and people
based on our exported media
and tourists. What makes me
glad I'm nowhere near these
letter-writing critics you
quoted is how fervidly
patriotic some of them are
for their own country - that
they feel the need to hold
some lame, uninformed pissing
contest with ours.

Sure, a lot of crappy art and
crappy people are produced
here - but I'm sure every
place has these problems, to
a degree. One moron
complained about slavery
still existing in America: a
dumb exaggeration (which
belittles the terror of real
slavery), unless you're
trying to be poetic and
hyperbolic about the minimum
wage laws (which the writer
was not). But racism is
everywhere, and it always
will be; and the same goes
for Baywatch. Hey, Ted Sturk,
why do you think the show is
broadcast in every country in
the world? Because every
country, including yours, has
crowds of horny low-brow guys
(and horny high-brow guys
too, I suppose) that want to
watch it. Who's more the
fool: the creator of shit, or
the consumer who eats it?

Meanwhile, do I believe all
Canadians are beer-swilling,
losers (as depicted on TV)
and parka-ed Eskimos? No; I
haven't been to Canada since
I was a kid, but I'm
imagining there's every kind
of person there, just as
there is here, and I'm sure
they have a varied culture
too....

Rev. Phobrek Taz
<taz@sph.harvard.edu>

I was with you 100 percent
until that last part. All
Canadians are exactly like
Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Polly

I read all that Canadian hate
mail, and I just have to warn
you about our "brothers and
sisters" in the North.
Canadians are not our
allies... rather, they pose a
graver threat to America than
the Communists ever did.
Canada is hellbent on
destroying us, not by
embodying our polar opposites
but by BECOMING us! Canadians
only reality is to mime and
thereby completely fuck with
America's national identity
by severing our cultural
sense-of-self with any real
set of tradition, history,
and shared experience. That's
why Canada would more
properly be named New
America, or Mimic America.

To prove my point: When I
travel, it's always nice to
recognize other Americans.
They mirror me and relieve my
culture shock, that
alienation, loss of identity,
and such that travel always
brings.

But then there were always
those "Americans" that were
not quite right. There was
something ... wrong with
them. And sure enough these
strange Americans would
always turn out to be
Canadian. But I could never
pin down their difference
enough to recognize them for
what they really were, for
there IS NO discernable
difference between a Canadian
and an American! They've
completely copied us, right
down to living on the same
continent! Upon discovering
that my fellow American was
really a Canadian, I'd feel
betrayed, disillusioned and
panicky that the
self-identity they'd
stimulated in me was
misplaced, false, unreal. I
started wondering if
Americans really existed,
never mind whether I was one,
or if I was proud of it. That
line from Mr. Lind
criticizing Americans for not
being patriotic is SO ironic.
I mean, whose fault is that?
How can I say I'm American if
those damn Canadians are
better at it than me? Eh?

... There aren't any Mimic
Brits out there ... at least
Australians have funny
accents and kangaroos and
shit. It's really an evil
trick to play on an entire
country. Canadians are a head
trip that I don't need.

Elora Lee
<ELR@Brown.edu>

What the hell are you talking
aboot, Canadians don't have
funny accents?

Canadians are totally
different from us. I think
you're getting confused by
the half-Canadians,
half-Americans. Just go see
Strange Brew..It'll tell you
all you need to know about
true Canadian culture.

Polly

Ambrose,

Yeah, I am from southeast
Wyoming, and the thought of
the farmers there being
patronized with that sort of
bullshit makes my skin crawl.
That's just nauseating. It's
a depressing place, which is
why I don't live there
anymore. It's rotten
farmland, and they have these
problems all the time. The
funny thing about farmers
though is that they love
being farmers. They have this
kooky thing called a "work
ethic," and they love their
rotten farmland. It's an
extremely tough life that
they are really quite proud
of. How insulting for them to
be offered "emotional
counseling." Um, first of
all, you have to believe in
therapy for it to work.
Whatever. Thanks for an
insightful and witty essay.

Taffy Miller
<tmiller@qwest.net>

I hear you. You'd think the
people who govern a largely
agricultural state would get
this kind of thing, too.

Ambrose Beers

To find LSD in Colorado, head
north to Boulder and visit
the Hill. There are a number
of trained pros waiting there
to serve you.

I've also heard about a
hippie commune near Colorado
Springs that broke up in the
late '70s and became a
semi-respectable town.

m. e.

A scruffy young feller once
mumbled something under his
breath to me right in that
very location. And I thought
he was bumming change, but
when I tried to give him some
he got kind of frantic and
said: "No, man, trees!
Trees!"

Intrigued, I gave him 20
bucks....

And that is all I will tell
of this story.

Ambrose Beers

Mondo Cannes

Dear BarTel,

Thanks for reminding me of
that formative multimedia
moment. With our new RCA
ColorTrak with remote I could
delete all stations but
carriers of NBC, CBS, and ABC
and watch the whole thing
from initial violation of
regular programming (it was
school vacation) to the
successful completion of
surgery.

Saw Haig say, "I'm in charge
here," live. A better quote
from him is at the cabinet
table, "I can hear the
assholes tightening," in
anticipation of bad news.

Watched the newsers duke it
up. Remember Frank Reynolds?
I remember them using the
word "recapitulate" a lot.
Mom said it was different
because people liked Kennedy.
We were such early adopters
then. Had some silly bootleg
chip for Atari 400 Defender.

A friend of a friend who
talked with someone who
carried the president's
football said Ron was a very
athletic person.

The last scene in Reagan's
last movie is supposed to be
prophetic. I wish they would
show more of them. Sure we
hate Cowboy Ron, but in doing
so we hate that part of
ourselves who wanted the
hostages back so bad we
didn't imagine the Ayatollah
was doing anything other than
showing fear, not making good
on a black market deal.

And afraid of children? Any
substitute teachers out
there? When the kids collude
and accuse you of something,
what does the administration
do?

Sincerely,

Peter Robert
<ferwerda@hotmail.com>

P. S. My grandma had
Alzheimer's. She did not
drool, although the disease
did cripple so as to cause some
hallucinating and shambling.

Poetic waxing there, Peter.
Non-linear, but poetic.

Hey now.

So, how many notes so far
about it being "'Asians,' not
'orientals'"?

... and really nice touch
seemingly taking issue with
that "flatulant nitwit's"
piece; definitely one of the
more suave pieces of
self-promotion seen on Suck.

I hope all else is well with
you -

Steve McNally
<steve.mcnally@prodigy.net>

Self-deprecation and
self-promotion are
practically one and the same
these days, no?