The Fish
for 6 August 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Beat The Press

Subject: Re: Jerkin' the

Hmmm ... much ado about the
image of a 12-year-old
masturbating. Been reading
some Hakim Bey lately?


It's been a good 10 years
since I read Hakim Bey, and
I'm pretty sure I didn't
understand a word of it. My
influences tend more toward Porky's and
Spring Break.

St. Huck

Fish With Letter Icon

Your piece on the
"" scam was
very funny; however, I was
disappointed that you didn't
use the classic euphemism
"flogging the walrus."
Although "firing the flesh
musket" almost made up for

You could also try,
"agitating the asparagus,"
"pummeling the pomegranate,"
or "court martialing the
purple-helmeted warrior of

Just a few suggestions for
the next time you have the
opportunity to so liberally
use masturbatory euphemisms.


Captain Euphemism

Feel free to go back and
substitute "flogging the
walrus" for any of the
phrases that I used. Or just
add a new page of your own. I
think it was novelist Phillip
Roth who said, "There's no
such thing as too many
masturbation jokes."

St. Huck

Fish With Letter Icon

Your Beat the Press was
hilarious - but the
references to
"" should
refer to
"" My
First Time is different and
is not part of the scam.

P. O'Rourke

Well, was
supposed to be a play on You
know, because there was only
one person involved and thus,
"our" would have to be "my"?

Any similarity to actual Web
sites was unintended.


Fish With Letter Icon

Taboo Who?

Dear Vicki,

Hmmm. Didja hafta look all
the way to France in WWII to
find ferocious disapproval of
sex? Doesn't gay-bashing
count? Happens all the time, ya
know. Ironically, when you
ignore it, you're doing it.

Name Withheld by Request

Steven Spielberg had to go
all the way to France in WWII
to make a ferocious
hell-for-leather war movie;
why shouldn't I do the same?
Anyway, I went to the trouble
to check the InterNic, and
there's no beattheshitout, so I
don't have to take any guff
from you, pal.

But now, my story: For years
it was a terrible burden
being a heterosexual, walking
around with a God-shaped hole
in my heart. But I'm living
proof that the truth can set
you free - the truth of Jesus
Christ's love for each and
every one of us. In my
darkest hour I met Christians
and former heterosexuals who
listened patiently to my
story and led me to a
ministry helping people
overcome heterosexuality. Now
I'm here to tell America the
truth about heterosexuality,
this painful affliction that
only God's infinite love for
us can cure.

Yrs. truly,

Vicki Lester
Wife, mother, and former heterosexual

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Vicki,

This message is a
confirmation of the email you
sent regarding an ad on
Classifieds2000. Please do
NOT respond to this message


This is a response to your
advertisement on
Summary of the
Women Seeking Men,
Short-term, Udaipur, Asia, and
Pacific - Other Down to
Earth, 26, 5' 6''

And I believe you! Only a
simple-minded guy would look
for a woman by putting his
ad in the category of females
looking for males. Unless of
course, you are a homosexual,
looking for peinis! Don't be
so fucking simple, smarten
up, and read the
instructions! Unless you are
a queer.


Dear Classifieds2000,

Holy Moses, you found out my
agenda, alrighty! I guess I'm
not as cured as I thought I

Yrs. truly,

Vicki Lester
Wife, Mother, homosexual,
looking for peinis

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Slut and Whore Lore

So all welfare girls are
sluts, huh? Where are the men
in all of this? I know it's a
trite point to make, but I
actually overheard a
co-worker (God I need a
better second summer job)
remark, "I hope my girlfriend
gets pregnant. That way I can
start collecting welfare
again." The reason he was
working, of course, was that
he was not smart enough to
figure out how to stay on the
welfare rolls. Then again, he
also said "If you're smart
enough to rob an armored car
and get away with it, you
deserve the money," and
"Taking from your employer
isn't stealing." So I have a
generally low opinion of him.
Why do these politicians keep
giving the GOP a bad name?
There really are sane
Republicans. At least I think
I'm sane. Oh, and not all who
claim to be virgins are
lying. I know that for a
fact. And it's not for lack
of several male attempts,
either. Keep up the
interesting articles. I love
distractions from that lovely
job of mine.

Constance Smith

Dear Constance,

Duh! "If you're smart enough
to rob an armored car and get
away with it, you deserve the
money," and "Taking from your
employer isn't stealing" are
quotations from Paul's second
letter to the Fallopians. You
ought to read up on your
Bible. With patience, care,
and application, it might
even cure you of being a

Yrs. truly,

Vicki Lester
Wife, former virgin, practicing liar

Fish With Letter Icon

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