The Fish
for 30 July 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager


"Slimy, flappy people:
bearded clams." Oh my, I
can't even type I'm laughing
so hard. I'm a woman, I love
women, I love men, but most
of all, I'm happy that you
wrote that. Owwww, my
forehead hurts from whapping
it on the desk when I doubled
up in laughter. Thanks for
the mamaries.

Nicole Becken

The cheap laughs get 'em
every time. Just look at
There's Something About

Go see it. It's funny. Anyone
who doesn't think so is
probably a big pain in the


Fish With Letter Icon

Useless information #123:

Heroin is actually a
remarkably safe drug. In the
only legitimate controlled
study ever done, heroin
(actually a type of refined
opium, technically, but close
enough) was given as
requested to a large number
of sweet little old ladies in
Britain for as long as they
wanted, which turned out to
be for decades. Seems they
all got addicted accidentally
to laudanum, which was legal
early in the century. When
the drug was outlawed, nobody
wanted to punish these
innocents, so they were
allowed to keep using it. End
result: no significant effect
on life expectancy, disease,
morbidity, or anything else.

Heroin addicts function quite
normally if they can get
their fixes when they need
them and time to enjoy them.
Why and how do you think so
many physicians become
addicted to opiates without

The lethal dose/effective
dose ratio for heroin, and
indeed for most opiates, is
remarkably high. (The LD/ED
ratio is the standard medical
criterion for safety.) It is
essentially impossible to
accidentally kill yourself by
injecting too much of an
opiate; it's hard to kill
yourself that way
deliberately. What the press,
for some reason, calls an
"overdose" is actually some
sort of allergic reaction,
presumably caused by
impurities in the drug.
Everyone in the medical
profession knows this, if for
no other reason than that the
symptoms of a so-called OD
involve sudden, dramatic
lethal effects that are
totally foreign to the
effects of depressants like

I don't advocate the
legalization of heroin. Hell,
I don't even advocate the
legalization of marijuana.
We're still trying to deal
with the effects of alcohol
distillation, and we've lived
with that one for more than
300 years. I just find
stupidity, idiot propaganda,
and people who "know better
than I do" intensely
irritating. Keep up the bad

Alan Kornheiser

The Doctor Is Straight

Man, we were certain you were
gay, Alan.

Anyway, thanks for the
useless information. The
thing is, unless you're a
doctor, you can't really
ensure that you won't get a
"bad" dose and kill yourself
at any point in time. Right?
Otherwise, we'd be all over

Uh, not really. Functioning
quite normally in this case
includes drooling, nodding
off, and nursing abscesses
the size of ping pong balls.
And then there's the
Less-Than-Zero syndrome,
often referred to as "heroin
chic." Bottom line: There's
nothing worse than some rich
kid from La Jolla whose never
been through a single
hardship in his life, pumping
his story with drama by
becoming an addict, then
kicking and telling his lame
war stories, then falling off
the wagon. It's one of the
weakest acts around, and it
seems more and more popular
despite its obvious pathetic
emptiness. In our book,
anything that brings you a
single step closer to having
something in common with that
idiot singer of Everclear is
a step closer to suicide.


Fish With Letter Icon

"...regarding the skill with
which it sells its version of
corporate-sponsored rebellion
and convinces credulous teens
that they can affect a cool,
anti-establishment persona
via chronic Dew and Gorditas

"Gorditas" with a capital G?
"Dew," I can understand -
Mountain Dew is a trademark.
But "gorditas" is just
another word for really thick
tortillas (or the tacos you
make with 'em) here in New
Mexico and over in Texas.
They can't trademark that,
thank God.

Not just gorditas, but
"Gorditas, Gorditas!" To a
tune. Real patriotic-like.

God bless you, Taco Bell.

Buying it,

Fish With Letter Icon

Trimming the Hegemony

The best illustration of
America's indifference to
football is when Jerry
Seinfeld ended his world tour
here in London and booked
the Palladium for a one-night
gig during the World Cup
Final. "We didn't know."
Still, it was a brilliant
gig, and the English don't
really like to see the French
winning anything anyway.

Andres Varela

Ha! I never heard that one
about Jerry and the
Palladium, although his
incompetence on a global
stage is well-documented (it
even inspired another shitty
American Express commercial

Vive la fromage!

E.L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

If when talking about
"[kissing butts] to get
appointed," you were
referring to Sheila Copps, a
minister of the Crown of
Canada, then I'd just like to
remind people that as an
elected member of parliament,
she had to kiss the butts of
the electorate before she
kissed the butt of the prime
minister. A small, but
instructive, point of
difference to stress between
cabinet ministers and cabinet

But getting back to the
subject of the rant this is
in reply to, you've succumbed
to some of the elitism that
seems absurd when coming from
a culture minister. When you
intimate that a cultural
product like Baywatch is more
product than culture, you
misread a lot of what culture
is. The medium, the global
economy, is itself a message.
Products are cultural

Now, to get to my stupid and
overblown statement of what I
think is the point, culture
ministers are absurd because
they pine for a cultural
dynamism that the state can't
necessarily directly do a lot
about, and people around the
world consume Baywatch
because of the way they live
their lives from day to day.
The state can affect cultural
change by simply helping
people live, letting them
define the consumption and
production patterns that go
toward culture. The state and
the people will continue to be
ridiculed, though, in the
pages of something very much
like Suck.

Darcy Quesnel

It's helpful to know that
Canadian ministers must
pucker up to the broadest ass
of all, the electorate.
Though there are those who
would cynically say that this
qualifies them for official
office even less. (Iron Law
of Oligarchy, doncha know.)

I think Keynesian theory has
more to do with it than
McLuhan - simple supply and
demand, though this is
essentially your point.
What Copps and her colleagues
can - and, in good
conscience, should do-is
make an effort to protect
local, domestic, and native
arts. Adequate funding would
be a good start. So, the
proper spin shouldn't be
blowing a lot of hot air
about keeping the United States out -
Baywatch is not preventing a
major provincial initiative
to buy Inuit art for publicly
owned buildings in Ottawa.
(Of course, I have no idea
what I'm talking about here
... just kind of improvising.
Erm ...)

Now back to our regular

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

What'samatter - why can't
Other-Country folks learn
what we have? Turn off the
TV, see an indie film
festival, install Linux,
browse to other sites on the
Web and, ferchrissake, make
your own!

Oh, wait. Those
"do-it-yourself" democratic
ideas are American.


I love considering the long
thought and careful
calculation that doubtless
went into your culturally
sensitive coinage -
"Other-Country folks."

Sadly, it looks like
"foreigners" and "aliens" are
played out. "Other-Country
folks" it is, then!

We just can't be too careful
these days, right?

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

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