The Fish
for 28 July 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Trimming the Hegemony

Dear E. L.,

The fact is that it is kind
of pathetic that while every
kid from here to Tokyo may
not be able to say
"ubiquitous culture," you can
be sure that they can spout
off "cool!" "fuck you!" and
"you suck!" at the drop of a
hint. Glue-sniffing
Nicaraguans who will only end
up on the business end of a
gun can recognize Michael
Jordan by the shape of his
head. This is while we
Americans remain the
joke-butt of the world for
our wannabe isolationism
("What do you call someone
who speaks only one
language?" An American, of

It's also pretty easy for us
over-educated middle-class
yahoos to wave aside threats
of cultural domination since
we're damn sure to see all
the hot new foreign films and
practice fun French phrases
while laughing at the schlubs
flocking to see Armageddon
for the third time. However,
when you're living anywhere
else in the world and your
local movie industry has got
Hollywood's foot on its neck,
it's not such a laugh riot.

Aaron Dallas

Foreign kids these days!
Actually, I haven't seen this
factoid updated in recent
years, but they used to say
the world's most commonly
known and used word was a
tossup between "Coke" and
"OK" (hence the genius of OK

So while everyone appreciates
the value of a decent new
epitaph in any language, the
really insidious imperialism
is (just as you say), the
global recognition of Michael
Jordan's head - brought to
you, of course, on a silver
tray engraved with the
Swoosh. Nike and Coke are
much more insidious
four-letter words, for the
simple fact that you can't
trademark "fuck" and "shit."

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

nike underwrote brazil? don't
you think that "underwrote"
is a bit of an un-suck-like
understatement. nike owns
brazil. for US200 million
dollars nike bought up the
rights to each player on that
team for
i-don't-know-how-many years.
did they have to sign in
blood and hand over their
souls for collateral? well, i
guess the ninth circle of
hell is going to have one
crackin' soccer team. maybe
they can get together with
the u.s. team (representing
the tenth pouch of the eighth
circle) and get a pickup game
going or something. maybe
those canadians have
something to be worried over
after all ... yeah maybe we
sucked at the world cup but
who the hell cares when we
owned the damn thing anyway.
i predict in 20 years or
so the whole thing's going to
be renamed the "nike cup" and
is going to include teams
owned completely by nike and
take the names from the
countries they used to
represent (because now since
the players are employed by
an american company they
can now claim american
citizenship) for, you know,
old times' sake - tradition.
global cultural domination
has to start somewhere and
the world cup is as good a
place as any and nike is as
good an american cultural
staple to start said
domination. next we'll send
out microsoft. nice piece, by
the way.

Matt Downs

Yes, the only real question
of transnational domination
in soccer (or commerce, for
that matter) is Nike versus
Adidas. I noticed in last
Sunday's final that France
was clearly sponsored by the
latter - though probably not
as thoroughly as Nike's
ownership of Rivaldo,
Rinaldo, and gang.

I also noticed that the refs
were wearing Adidas gear - is
there hope for the rest of
the world, standing up
against the onslaught of Nike
and America? Well, it would
have to be Adidas and
Germany. And no one's too
excited about the prospect of
an overly industrialized and
expansive Deutschland.

Now Microsoft versus
would be a nice match in
World Cup 2002.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Dear Mr. Skinner,

At least in part, Ms. Pamela
Anderson-Lee happens to be of
Canadian origin - thus the
Baywatch slime oozing out
from our TV sets in Europe is
really a North American joint
venture. As for the very
questionable threat of
American-made "culture" to
dumb down the world some
more, I doubt it. Try a movie
from India, and you will feel
better instantly.

remotely yours,


I like that as a title for a
media conspiracy theory:
"Dumbing Down the World." But
I guess it's already called
The Truman Show.

I don't know what you're
saying, exactly, about Indian
movies ... but if they're
anything like the currently
fashionable Indian novels
(whose sole, primary
attraction seems to be the
author photo of an invariably
beautiful young Hindu
bachelorette with dewy eyes),
I want no part of 'em.

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

E-Z Bake Oven

Great job on the drug story.
I love how every
authoritative figure I have
ever heard speak about drugs
has indicated that pot
smoking is only a stepping
stone to more destructive
drugs, and eventually leads
to the desire to sell heroin
to children. Also, that
"casual" pot smoking does not
exist - you're instantly
hooked, have an insatiable
desire to try more harmful
drugs, and any chance you may
have had for a good
education/job is destroyed.

I am still waiting for the
cravings to come. I smoked a
bit of the green a couple
years ago, then quit smoking
cigs, and consequently
everything else. I lived in
fear of the cravings for a
year or so, but I seem to
have beaten it! I think your
government should spend
copious medical research
money to isolate the gene
that makes me impermeable to
the desire for more harmful
drugs (and of course, the
desire to push smack to
kids). Together, the war can
be won.

BTW, the first time I saw
that little graphic of Erin
Coull, I thought she was
smoking a bong.

Hudson Powers

Yes, and the Denver Museum
of Natural History had (or
has - I haven't been in a
while, but it might still be
going) an exhibit on "health
and your body," or whatever
they called it exactly. And
the true/false quiz on
substance abuse included the
question: "Tobacco use leads
to the use of other drugs."
The answer was, yes, "true."

Which is where I gave up and
went home.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Well, I fail to see why we
should be spending billions
of taxpayers' dollars on ads
that have been proven to be
ineffective. Thanks for
writing something I've wanted
to scream at the top of my
lungs since last week when
ol' dipshit announced the
really (IMO) stupid
investment of putting my
money into ads that do
absolutely nothing except
pique kids' interest in
drugs.... Remember thinking
this thought while watching a
commercial.... Hmm - why are
they advertising about drugs
being bad? What drugs? What
are drugs? Maybe I should ask
somebody about drugs? This
isn't a true story - but it
makes sense if you think
about it. Kids that don't
know anything about them will
be introduced, and perhaps
they might be curious.

Thanks for the great

Todd McGuinness

I'm actually very grateful
for government-sponsored
anti-drug ads - they provide
endless amusement. It's a
little like listening to a
bad undercover narc try to
score off a kid on the
street, using "street" or
"hep" lingo: Hey, kickin'
daddy, I'm down with the loco
weed - got any zippy
skittles? I only hope they
bring back the ads that
feature Nancy Reagan. Now
there's a gal with street

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

The best indictment I've
heard on the "war on drugs"
came from John Stewart, who
said "why do you want to
legalize drugs? Are you
having trouble finding it?"
That line brought the house
down, and exposed the real
truth: no one has any
problems finding drugs.
McCaffery raises the specter
of buying heroin at the
corner store, but I can buy
it on the corner in front of
the store now. What's the
difference? Oh, well.

David White

Ever try to score LSD in
Colorado? True otherwise, but
what about my needs?

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

"Monthly US$20 marijuana
purchase"? You can't get pure
oregano for $20 around here.


I am absolutely delighted by
the number of Suck readers
who have written in to say
"no way, man, I do way more
drugs than $20 a month."

Keep the faith, loyal foot
soldiers. The dummy pipe will
lead us home.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

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