The Fish
for 23 July 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Echo Chamber

Thanks for clarifying for me
that the Ken Starr
investigation is really about
the media reporting on the
media (easily its favorite
subject) and that if ignored
for a few hours would
disappear like so many Rose
Law Firm billing records or
notes from a dead man's
office. I was so deluded as
to think that the presence of
900 FBI background files on
Republicans in the White
House might be a sign that
Bill and Hillary really were
Nixonian - Chuck Colson went
to prison for possessing one
file. I guess it's not
dangerous when it our guy.


This is called "missing the
point." Try again.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

I to Suck! I just felt
compelled to write to you and
thank you for articulating an
idea I do often tell others -
about the media, our leaders,
and our law enforcers in the
upper circles of Washington
... your insights come across
vividly! When I share my
ideas about these topics with
my buddies, often I get a
blank stare, gaze, or
rebuttals about how one side
or the other is right or
wrong ... definitive proof of
the brainwashing effect the
media has had on our culture
and the way we form ideas.

With the medium of the
Internet, isn't it fantastic
you are able to touch a good
number of people with some
sober reality?

Kudos, again....

Angela Glass

I know what you mean. Take
the last letter, for example.

You wonder how people manage
to make it past all those
other paragraphs to find that
one sentence they can distort
to put the conversation back
on Clinton-sucks/Clinton-
rules ground, back into the
little black-and-white TV
reality. It seems like they
work so hard at it.

And the last time I touched
someone with sober reality,
the police showed up. But
that's another story.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

very dense.

i do wish it would just go

can we help? let's form a
committee - writers against
lewinsky stories. maybe make
up a logo and put it on our
web pages.

Matt Rosoff

That would just be playing
into their hands. My own plan
would be to form a committee
for going on a long vacation.
Plus a few drinks every now
and then.

Awaiting the fall,

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

Sucky Sucky

Please don't stabilize the
baht 'til late December. I'll
be in Indochina at the end of
November, and the weaker the
baht is, the better my bucks
will look in Phnom Penh and
Vientiane. Don't
underestimate your fearsome
power. In some circles of
economists, finance
ministers, and guerrilla
insurgents in Anlong Veng,
Suck's words are scrutinized
even more closely than
Greenspan's. What do you
think His Majesty King
Bhumibol clicks on first when
he logs on? Some flip remark
about stabilizing the baht
could turn around the Thai
economy, resulting in
decreased productivity in the
Golden Triangle, causing
heroin prices in the United States to,
um, shoot up, resulting in a
CIA budget crunch, resulting
in an "innocent" Suck staffer
having an "accident." Think
about every word before you
say it! Maybe Terry's
incident with the Guzzi was a

The cry is heard at every bar
in Bangkok: "Sucky-sucky, 100
baht." This has meaning on a
deeper level, Mr. Beers.

Erich Von Hollander

That reminds me, I have to go
drain my spaghetti....

Fish With Letter Icon

Filler: The Joy of

Hey Polly,

You had to go and break the
illusion your readers have of
this daily ritual of ours
being necessary, and replace
it with an implicit
comparison of Suck to the
Yankees. See if I ever read
you again. Well, at least
until I hear the final word
on Terry. (We're all pullin'
for ya, guy! I keep my eyes
peeled for Hondas with dented
driver's-side doors all the
time now.)

Despite my disappointment in
the revelation that Suck is a
mere distraction, I took
pride, in the way only a true
distractionist could, in the
fact that I am currently
involved in seven of the
twelve tasks itemized in the
"Joy of Distractions"
graphic. I will make an
effort to expand my
participation in the coming
weeks. Of course, you forgot
to mention the number one
distraction for your core
demographic: "Are you
inadequately distracted by
porn mags? Then why not
methodically canvas Persian

My erstwhile girlfriend
(current wife) would do well
to take on another
distraction as pinup girl for
the distraction rehab center.
No one would dare bring her a
black couch.


Wives take secret night
courses in distractions
before they get married. It's
essential to a neurotic
woman's survival, especially
while pursuing a domestic
setting/situation in which
you have to make nicey-nice
(not to mention peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches).
Especially when your husband
is inadequately distracted by
Persian Kitty. Persian Kitty
and Pottery Barn should
consider a cross-marketing

Forget what you just read


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: You give meaning to
my life.

Without Suck as a
distraction, I would have
already devolved into some
type of howler monkey,
instead of sitting here at
work not working.

John Muller

Howler monkey! That's


Fish With Letter Icon

This is the second time in a
week that Suck has mentioned
the film Safe. Given that no
one saw that film (even fewer
people than saw Poison) I
sense a conspiracy. Are you
in a movie promotion deal for
Velvet Goldmine? Or is Safe
suddenly culturally relevant?

Nelson Minar

Does everything we write
about have to be culturally
relevant? God knows, we wish
we had a movie promotion
deal, but this is merely a

Move on. Disperse. Scat.

Fish With Letter Icon

You've neglected one of the
greatest distractions ever
invented: role-playing games.

I'm not talking about Doom,
or Exile, or any of those
other masturbatory computer
exercises. I'm talking about
systems like Earthdawn or
Blue Planet, where you get
together with a few friends
who also need distractions,
and spend several hours a
week living a complete second
life. Hey presto! Relief for
all your frustrations!

Hate your boss? Name a
villain after him, and spend
your role-gaming time hunting
him down and feeding him to a
chipper-shredder! Too many
bills? Your GM provides a
handy chest of treasure, and
your characters can throw a
block party!

It's better than soap operas,
more engrossing than
houseplants, and yet safely
confined to a specific time
on the weekend so it doesn't
become a detraction. Plus, it
exercises that creative side
of your brain that you have
to keep under lock and key
all day at work, so you don't
end up falling over to your
left constantly from
dextro-hemispheric atrophy.

All you have to do is
overcome that pimply teenage
stigma attached to the hobby,
and you're on your way. We're
already teaching our children
how to do it!

Andrew Ragland

I have no problem with
role-playing games, as long
as whips aren't involved. My
brother actually still plays
Dungeons and Dragons,
unabashedly so. He has no
pimples. Luckily, the game
has evolved into something a
little bit more sophisticated
than the version he played
mid-puberty, which mostly
featured hitting on women
with high charisma stats.

Is that what you're teaching
your children to do? Sicko!


Fish With Letter Icon

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