The Fish
for 20 July 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Rhythm Guitar


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Class Struggle


You make some very
interesting points in today's
article. As for
home schooling, the very idea
of staying at home with my
mother for 12 years makes
me shudder. But assuming you
suffer through the high
school routine, why keep
going when every household
name lacks that degree you're
(sort of) busting your ass to
get? Maybe it is pointless. I
am sure I could have gotten
my part-time job at the movie
theater even if I weren't in
college. I'm sure I could
perform the mindless tasks
just as well. But then again,
I couldn't seethe inwardly at
the 19-year-old manager who
is crazy with the power of
being "the youngest house
manager in the country" for
this particular chain and
wouldn't have the joy of that
caustic, bitter chuckle when
I remember that his salary
maxes out far below the
starting one for my chosen
field. Of course, that's
assuming I can get a job and
I'm not still ripping tickets
in 10 years.... So, I guess
I'll just keep repeating to
myself that it's for the
inherent joy of knowledge.

Kerry Searle

As a former ticket ripper, I
suggest you stay in your
present job. My college
degree brought me access to
decent salaries, comfortable
positions, insurance, 401(k)
plans, and all the rest of the
perks, but nary a day goes by
when I don't look up from my
cozy desk, let out a queasy,
coffee- and Danish-scented
belch, and think, "I'd give it
all for a job where they pay
you to watch The Goonies 75
times in a row."


Fish With Letter Icon

just read your "class
struggle" article and i
couldn't agree more. i just
went through years of college
and grad school, only to be
dating a high school dropout
that makes more money then i

the sad fact is, school, as
it is, is a waste.
not because the idea of
schooling is bad, but because
it does not teach you to
think. the rare teacher that
gets you to question the
truth gets "fired" all too

but schools have changed of
late. once upon an
unmemorable time, they used
to teach you how to expand
your mind. now they want to
teach you how to get by.
basically, they're turning
out human machines that can't
see past the nose on their

it's not so much that you
have to get out of school
while you still can. a degree
won't destroy you. but you
can't minimize yourself and
specialize and mold yourself
into only one thing, because
a harsh reality awaits for
those who do so - you'll be
shit out of luck trying to
succeed by your own
standards. let's face it -
there's a reason there are so
many disgruntled postal
workers, and it's not because
they just like guns. fact of
the matter is most people are
unhappy in their jobs, due to
the disillusionment school
has given them. they tell you
you can be whatever you set
your mind to being - yeah,
and the streets are paved
with gold in the land of

fact of the matter is school
is a hard sell for the
corporate world. i mean, what
do your parents tell you from
the get-go? "go to school and
get good grades so you can
get a good job." man, what a
way to ruin a childhood. and
talk about school not
preparing you for the real
world. i'm sorry, but in the
real world, you don't get up
at noon, the workday doesn't
end at 2:30, and you don't
have regular three-day

what's the world's answer for
this? specialized schools.
get your degree in 16 months,
forget the mind-expanding
classes, all you need to know
is what you need to get by.

Maddalena Romano

Wait, take it from the top
again, Maddalena. What's the
fact of the matter?

Up at noon and getting ready
for the three-day weekend,


Fish With Letter Icon

"Everybody knows the world's
richest man and the world's
richest drop out are one and
the same...."

Well, that may be, but I
don't think that the Arabs
typically make that info
public. Bill G. is not the
richest man. Not by a long
shot. He is, however, the
richest man in this
particular country. But his
dreamy house down by the lake
looks like the cabana boys'
toilet compared to your
typical Saudi oil-baron



Yeah, them Arabs are sneaky
little devils, Bosaiya.
However, in terms of
wealthiest individual, you
may be thinking of the Sultan
of Brunei, who is not
actually an Arab, since his
monarchy is located on the
northeast coast of the island
of Borneo. He does, however,
subscribe to that zany

Even in the case of the
Sultan, however, it's
unlikely you could call him
personally wealthier than
Chairman Bill. As is the case
with your "typical Saudi
oil-baron sheik," the
Sultan's wealth only belongs
to him in the sense that he
is the king, and his country
has a lot of oil. Gates, on
the other hand, is actually
the owner of that US$60-some
billion dollars. Moreover,
since Gates' fortune is
mostly in the form of equity
in Microsoft, his money is
making him richer all the
time. If he doesn't lavish as
much on palaces and Bentleys
as his eastern rivals, it's
because he's smarter than
they are.

Who's better off? You make
the call. On the one hand,
Gates doesn't have to spend
10 percent of his fortune on
defense. On the other, the
Sultan gets to sport a far
more imposing name: Sultan
Sir Muda Hassanal Bolkiah
Mu'izzadin Waddaulah.

Fish With Letter Icon

Things I Like

Dear Sucksters,

You guys are smart and funny.
You guys write a lot of stuff
that makes me laugh. I like
to read your stories so I
feel smart and funny, too.
Did you guys have to go to
school for a long time to be
that smart? The pictures make
me laugh. Thanks for telling
me what you like. I like
Frisbees and French toast.



The unfathomable email.

More of our readers should
think the way you do, young

We like hyenas and indoor
tanning systems. Wait - do
they have to start with F? We
like freaks and fried cheese
and flip-flops and foghorns
and firearms.

Fish With Letter Icon

Aspiring Infomercial

interested in learning how i
can get into infomercials as
an actress. email for more
details. i've attached a
photo for your review.


Wow. Setting our sights a
little high, aren't we?

Fish With Letter Icon

Getting Slapped Silly

Subject: CHiPs & Salsa

It's cool, really cool, how
you write stuff that's
interesting and not
necessarily newsworthy. I've
got the shortest attention
span, and it's great that as
soon as I get bored with Erik
Estrada's lameness, I
immediately get slapped in
the face with that salsa
thing. Keep up the half-assed

Shelby Thomas

Hey, we like your subject
title. Is that copyrighted,
or can we use it?

Roasted Half-Ass with Side of


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Lilith Fare

The Fish told me you were
planning to cover the Lilith
Fair, so I thought I'd offer
a FREE review. Just one man's
opinion, but the only value
you'll get from that
traveling freak show.

Let me start by saying that I
was really excited to go, I
liked the performers on the
bill, and the whole affair
was to be a surprise for my
wife (fourth anniversary).
The only surprise was how bad
it SUCKed.

Now, as a starving "artist,"
coughing up the $34 EACH for
shitty lawn seats was tough
enough, but add $6 to park
and $4 a gag for
cold-in-the-middle discount
gardenburgers ...

The sound system was so weak
it couldn't even drown out
the decibel levels of "La
Bamba" throbbing from any
lowrider I pass during my
daily commute. We got lucky
if a light breeze carried the
tunes back to us.... What's
worse - in between songs,
these self-appointed sirens
of Lilithism would share
their profound social views
in hushed tones reserved
apparently for those only in
the front two rows. I think
those people left thinking
the concert was an "intimate
affair." The three TV
monitors mounted toward the
back for us po' folk hardly
worked - a few minutes at a
time at best and not until
the concert was three-quarters over. But
did we see performers on
them? Only once!! Natalie
Merchant beamed into the back
rows (the best "stage
presence" by the way) for a
brief moment of ecstasy. Then
they went blank again. For
the rest of the Fair they
shamelessly promoted upcoming
concerts against a plain blue
screen. Prior to that the
only time they came on was
while roadies changed drum
sets between acts.

You want to blame all this
technical bullshit on someone
else? Fine. But what it comes
down to is production value.
They didn't spend the money
to make it a proper show, and
with what they took you for
in ticket prices, man, this
should have been at least a
"good" show! Sarah M's idea
of high value is $10.00 worth
of vinyl banners hung beside
the stage.... And the crowd
bought it! Every stupid drunk
with their clove cigarettes
and European hair styles,
sneering girl-girl power as
they stepped on your head and
spilled Coors down your back,
kicking over your lemonade
and slurring a cross-eyed
apology as they stumbled
toward the beer vendor. I
love that brash
anti-authoritative attitude
that says, "We'll smoke in
spite of the signs, maybe
even pot, and yeah, I'll
enter a raffle to win a free
VW!" The crowd didn't come to
see the concert, they came to
be seen at the concert.
That's why the music didn't
matter, and that's why the
presentation doesn't matter
to Sarah. Your supposed to
dig it no matter what,
because don't you know? It's
cool to BE AT the Lilith
Fair, baby! We left before
Sarah even hit the stage, and
the couple we came with left
a few songs after that. Even
with what we paid to get in,
it wasn't worth it to milk
the last little thrill.

Your question was, "Why would
an all-girl event spawn
automatic scorn?" Because
someone had the foresight to
see through the propaganda to
the bottom line. Cash. I only
wish that that someone had been
me. This was the worst gift
I've ever given my wife. It's
no wonder big names like
Jewel, Paula Cole, Joan
Osborne, and Sheryl Crow
bowed out of this year's
show. I wouldn't want my name
anywhere near this thing
either. "It doesn't exclude
men, it simply celebrates
women," says Sarah McLachlan
of the Lilith Fair. It doesn't
celebrate women, it just
takes their change and
doesn't give them anything
for their money. Want to know
what my wife thought of it
all? Read this again - but
add "Thanks for trying to
take me out someplace fun."

Believe it or not, I kept
this short.

I want my $68 bucks back.


Big concerts always suck,
it's not just the Lilith Fair. I
went to the Free Tibet thing
in San Francisco when it had
the Beastie Boys, Rage
Against the Machine,
Pavement, and Smashing
Pumpkins, and it still sucked

At least in that case we
emerged feeling used, but
with the remotest hope that
some minute percentage of the
proceeds would go to a good
cause. If the Lilith Fair is
really supposed to be all
about women, all proceeds
should go to breast cancer
research and the like.

On the other hand, these
women have just as much of a
right to make a dime throwing
a shitty concert for too many
people as anyone else does. I
just wish they would have the
gall to say "this concert is
all about excluding men"
instead of pussyfooting
around to maintain their
lusty male fan base.

Fuck lily-livered Lilith. I
want a Fuck-the-Old-Boys Fair
or an Alienate-a-Losah. The
real reason to go to such a
concert is the righteous
indignation that resides in
any self-respecting female,
paired with an intense
boredom with the six male
voices we hear over and over
and over: Eddie Vedder-alike,
Hootie-alike, Kurt
Cobain-alike, Chris
Cornell-alike, and Billy
Corrigan-alike, all sung over
the same tired blues-based

I'd like to see Chrissie
Hynde, Courtney Love sans
couture, Kate Bush, Kristin
Hersh, Liz Phair, Björk,
Katell Keineg, Stevie Nicks,
Fiona Apple, Sleater-Kinney,
Kim Gordon, Sinéad
O'Connor, The Sundays, Jen
Wood, Helium, kd lang, Tori
Amos, Cat Power, Tracy
Chapman, and PJ Harvey in one
three-day, one-time-only
affair, and when anyone asked
any of them what it was
about, they'd reply "We're
not celebrating women. We're
excluding men and playing
some goddamn good music, and
if you're alienated by that,

Believe it or not, I kept
this short. On second
thought, use of the word
"pussyfooting" was highly

Inappropriately Yours,


P.S. Please, bring on the
"you're a femi-nazi" mail.
I'm in the mood.

Fish With Letter Icon

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