The Fish
for 2 July 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Vice President
of Snacks


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Broken Cartoonist

We received a whopping 214
pieces of get-well-soon email
for Our Lord and Savior,
Terry Colon. Little did we
know the faith was so strong
among our readers!

Alas, we can print just a few
testaments to the One True
Lord, but we hope that these
small offerings will not go
unnoticed by Our Messiah.

May the love of Terry Colon
keep you safe from all harm.

In Terry's Blessed Name,


Dear Terry,

I am sorry to hear about your
unfortunate accident. I was
involved in a bike wreck in
August of '95, in which I
lost my spleen. Actually, I
know where it went, I just
don't have it in my body

I was riding my old '81
Kawasaki KZ-650 (hot-rodded a
bit, of course), when I
crossed some railroad tracks
in a dip in the road. I was
traveling much faster than I
should have been (60 to 70 in a
35 mph zone), and I also knew
that my slack ass was gonna
get fired when I got to work
for being late too often
(fifth offense in a
four-month period). It all
happened really fast, but I
went down and I would have
been fine except for the
parked car that brought my
slide to an abrupt end. And
then the bike decided to cozy
up to me and the parked car.
I think that is when my
insides went "POP."

Luckily, I was working for
the Richmond Ambulance
Authority as a medic at the
time and was only a block
away from work. My partner
transported me to the
hospital (and took great
delight in shoving the
biggest IV needle he had in
my arm on the way there).
Well, management said that
since I wrecked my bike and
almost died trying to get to
work on time, they wouldn't
fire me. I was just going to
be on a "final warning"
against "any and all
infractions resulting in any
disciplinary action" for, get
this, TWO YEARS! I got the
hint and quit. It was the
best thing I ever did!

I am now working as a
second-level desktop support
technician for a Fortune 500
technology company earning
now what I would have topped
out at after 20 years in EMS.
My bike is still in pieces,
but I am slowly putting it
back together again. In the
meantime, I ride my new
Ducati M900 Monster. I could
have afforded that on a
medic's pay, NOT! I guess my
point is, bike wrecks suck
and they hurt, but good
things can happen from any
situation. Get healed, and
get back on the road.


John Durham

Sure. Lots of good should
come of this. Like, Terry
will have too much time to
contemplate his life and then
he'll quit or become a
Buddhist monk, and Suck will
founder without his

Thanks for your kind words
anyway. Terry's ankle is
pretty fucked up, but he's as
redheaded as ever.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hi Guys!

Geez, it is really sad that
out of all the brilliant,
witty, sarcastic articles you
guys have written, the one
about Terry getting hurt is
the only one that has moved
me to write to you lame-os.
I hope Terry feels better
about his leg and bike and
gets off his lazy ass and
starts back to drawing "dem
funny-lookin' piktures." I'm
surprised you guys even
mentioned it to us illiterate
tree weasels (since the
pictures are all we look at)
and didn't make that
crack-smokin' hack stop
sharing the pipe with Mr.
Katz and do a full article.
What kind of sensitive
wussies are you, not to take
advantage of your co-worker's
disabled position? You should
get a temporary
disabled-person sticker, drag
Terry out of his house, and
get all the cool parking at
the bars around town.

Anyways, get better soon,
Terry. Your pain and
suffering isn't funny

Isaac Chappell II

Oh, we're taking advantage of
Terry's position. In fact,
we've written an epic of a
cartoon that depicts Terry's
entire life, including
incredibly detailed evidence
of what a pathetic rube he's
been from cradle to grave.

Unfortunately, without Terry
to illustrate the thing, it
won't really work.
Furthermore, we're almost
certain he's going to edit
out the part about the
canary-yellow monster belt
and his nickname in the '70s
(Snag), so why bother?

The real question is, was it
snagged hair, snagging bud,
or snagging babes that got
him that name? Any inside
information from old friends
will be greatly appreciated.

Fish With Letter Icon


Glad to see that the hand
still works, bummer 'bout the
bike, tho. Gotta tell ya, the
best choice is to dump the
two-wheeler right now (or
make it into some sort of
oil-dripping living-room
artwork, verrrry popular with
the old-man biker set), and
get yerself some sort of
appropriate urban
transportation. There are
plenty of options: stupid
lookin' minivan ('85 Toyota,
my current choice), early
'70s monster-mobile (LTD Mark
IV), or some sort of early
'60s power-sedan. My
suggestion for you would be a
'63 Chevy Impala Super Sport
preferably with the 327 V-8
and posi-trac rear end. There
are a coupla reasons for this

1. Old enough to be untouched
by most clean-air regulations

2. Easy to drive with a
crippled right foot 'cause
it's an automatic

3. Bench front seat makes for
comfortable cast room (also
for hummers on long trips, if
you know what I mean)

4. You can make really cool
reflections on the lower
portion of the door panels

Anyhow, hope for a speedy

P. S. Bitch a lot about pain,
and get them dilautid ASAP :)

Gary McDermott

Hummers on long trips? What
could you possibly mean by

Fish With Letter Icon

Hey Terry,

"How much did you pay for
your bad Moto Guzzi?"

Everybody knows that rock 'n'
roll stole the Rock 'n' Roll
Lifestyle from bad-ass urbane
hipster cartoonists like
yourself. Here's to your
health, your better health,
and hitting the road [on two

Failing the inertia test is
usually more serious than
failing the urine test - and
failing them both sometimes
means you don't have to worry
about being the designated
driver for a while. I'm glad
it wasn't the Inertia Final

Metaphors be with you,


And also with you.

It is no wonder at all that
Our Lord and Savior created
the Rock 'n' Roll Lifestyle,
for He art the Creator of all
Lifestyles, and all other
things, for that matter,
including all things that
crawl on the ground and all
things that fly in the air
and all things that fart in
the dark.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit & Run

You assert that "most of the
population would prefer to
see Suck edited more
heavily." Somehow you have
allowed your optimism and
your arrogance to coexist.
"Most of the world has heard
of us, but most of the world
can't understand us and is so
frustrated that they want us
to go away!" The deeper I
look into your warped
psychology, the more afraid I
am. And yet I can't help but
read your daily rantings.
Which one has the worse
problem: the readers of Suck
or the writers of Suck?

Erich Von Hollander

Have you noticed that your
name rhymes with

Fish With Letter Icon

It really amuses me to
witness crackpot left-wing
conspiracy theories in person
(or what passes for it in

So, you would have me believe
that some 27-year-old buyer
at Amalgamated Book
Industries spends her day ...
(I'm trying here) ... let's
see ... devising ways of
dumbing down her customers
... with books. Instead of
trying to figure out what
books might sell the best.

"Mary, what have you done
here!? These books aren't
dumb enough! We need more
books that destroy IQ and
induce apathy! Our
book-buying, book-reading
customers must be made to
acquiesce to our dastardly
corporate power!"

I mean, I remember product
differentiation, price
differentiation, product life
cycles, and all that. I just
don't remember correlating
customer stupidity with
profit. Never once heard an
ex-CEO tell me after class,
with a wink and a nudge, that
the real key to success is
to somehow succeed in
altering the minds of the
customer and then
reprogram them to buy
Sugar Doodles and watch
American Journal.

Sure, smokey. Keep yapping.

Tom Castle

Gaining market share isn't
about altering the minds of
the customer, but it most
definitely is about catering
to the weakest, slowest,
basest part of those minds.
Because stuff that caters to
this segment of the brain,
which is known as the
Consumall stem, is the stuff
that sells.

More Sugar Doodles, please.

Fish With Letter Icon

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