The Fish
for 25 June 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Vice President
of Snacks


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Dancing Baby Boom

Your Dancing Baby Boom story
completely offended most of
my sensibilities. And I thank
you for that. But you left
some out.

You DID bust on the man who
brought us The Simpsons. THAT
offended me.

You DID bust on Captain James
Tiberius Kirk. THAT offended

You DID bust on South Park
(by implying they like Tori
Spelling). THAT offended me.

You made fun of suicide (a
recurring theme for you guys,
eh?) THAT offended me.

But what about your having
killed Bart and Apu, but NOT
Beavis and Butt-head?! They
merely passed out from
drinking too much cheap beer!
Do you have some special DEAL
with Beavis and Butt-head? You
can offend me with regard to
Bart and Apu, but not with
regard to Beavis and

And what about that friendly
innocuous reference to
Michael Jackson, when Dancing
Baby says, "Michael taught me
that [dance move]"??!! I
want you at Suck to know that
I was NOT offended by that! I
feel as though you shied away
from a golden opportunity
there to intensely offend me
and many others.

I am VERY disappointed in

Scoldingly, Dr. Spivey

Rest assured, Beavis and
Butt-head are dead. Don't you
know a Jim Jones/Heaven's
Gate cult reference when you
see one?


Fish With Letter Icon

Re: Brad has fear? A thousand
times no!

Hi, uh, what the hell was
that? What was strangest
about today's Suck was that I
read it all. You know what?
Fuck the Dancing Baby, that
spooky ass little monster has
now surpassed
Dealin' Doug as the creepiest
shit on the TV and is now a
close second to Tori
Spelling. Please, please,
please, just ignore the
Dancing Baby, and it will go
away, please.


How can the Dancing Baby be
"the creepiest shit on the
TV," and yet still be a
"close second to Tori
Spelling"? Are you saying
Spelling is so creepy she's
in her own special category
or what?


A Tori Spelling Fan

Fish With Letter Icon


I have never supported
infanticide in any way!
However the Dancing
hydrocephalic imbecile of a
neonate that was birthed from
the mind-fucked puny hips of
thick-lipped Ally would be
my first victim. What next? A
dancing turd for Charmin
squeezed out of some hunky TV
"hero's" ass because he has
an anal compulsive
personality? Someone from
Ally should have forked over
some cash for intense
choreography lessons. The
emaciated, horsey-toothed
Ally would have at best
looked uneasy and awkward
frenetically gyrating her
pointy pelvis. The Baby and
Ally should perish in an
episode. Perhaps the
O-mouthed Seinfeld would
knock them both off because
of jealous mammary tensions
over Ally's withered,
inadequate cones.

Ron Anguiano
Lakewood, CO

Most Commonly Asked Question
By Suck Readers:

"What next?"


Withered, Inadequate

Fish With Letter Icon

Brown Bag

Dear Mr. Beers,

I liked your piece on Jerry
Brown. The one thing that
confuses me is that the Dead
Kennedys would write a song
("California Über
Alles," right?) attacking the
ex-governor. I would think
the two parties would be on
the same side. Could you
please clarify? Thank you.


Arijit Das

Dear Sir,

It would be my pleasure to

While it is true that Mr.
Biafra and his colleagues
sung of a world patrolled by
"the suede/denim secret
police" under a "Führer"
named "Jerry Brown" ("Zen
fascists will control you/100
percent natural/You will jog
for the master race/And
always wear the happy face"),
please note that, during the
same year, they also offered
the following musical

"I kill children/I love to
see them die/I kill
children/And make their
mamas cry/Crush 'em under my
car/I wanna hear them
scream/Feed 'em poison
candy/To spoil their

... yet they did not, to my
knowledge, actually kill any
real children. Although you
might want to contact the FBI
for a second opinion.

Further, please note that Mr.
Biafra did not, during 1980
or to my knowledge in any
year prior to 1980, actually
vacation in Cambodia.

Hope this helps.

Ambrose Beers

P.S. Plus Jello lives right across
the bay from Jerry;
maybe they
could get together over
coffee, talk through things.

Fish With Letter Icon

excellent suck today. joe
klein is establishment-
insider political reporting
at its most offensive. i
didn't recall how close '92
was, and had no idea about
the editorials running in
california papers (didn't
live here then). good

nader in '00


And the worst part of it is
The New Yorker pays more than
Suck. Where's mine, is all
I'm saying.

Ambrose Beers

Fish With Letter Icon

More Dumber Mail


What's the deal with Conan
O'Brien? Why the hell does he
wear that same suit every

lurch pop

He does that just to bug

Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: Things in Canada
that suck from a Canadian.

People who bitch about jokes
get on my nerves. There is a
large number of things that
suck in Canada, I should know-
I fucking live there, but
there are good with the bad.
I live in one of the most
backward fucked-up places in
the country, Newfoundland.

Things that suck in
1) Two-week summers
2) The Canadian Football
3) The Toronto Raptors
4) Toronto
5) Quebec (that could get
me into trouble)
6) Canadian television
7) Loyalty to a British
queen, when every
Canadian knows that our
true queen is her
highness Shania Twain
8) Bilingualism
9) No drive-through liquor
10) Our neighbors. As long
as you guys keep on
polluting our environment
we'll keep on sending
losers like Michael J.
Fox and William Shatner
down across the border.

Things that are cool
about Canada:
1) Hockey
2) People from other
countries like us
3) Clean air, in most
places anyway
4) The beer
5) Health care- we need it
for all the colds we get
in our almost eternal
6) Toronto Blue Jays
7) Donovan Bailey
8) No Jerry Springer Show
9) Don Cherry
10) Our dollar bills are
in different colours
(please notice the
spelling on colours, it
is Canadian, correct).

People of America beware.
Canada is marshalling its
forces to the Northwest as we
plan to take over Alaska. Our
superior teams of dog sleds
are in position and are
waiting for orders. If you
resist, our elderly will no
longer travel to your
southern states and your
economy will fall. With the
fall of the economy comes the
Canadian Revolution, so heed
my warning Americans, and
practice your smiles and
thank-yous, we're coming.

Trevor Langer

America's pretty cool, too,
except for the fact that 80
percent of our gross national
product is generated by
elderly Canadians vacationing
in our southern states, which
means that we're quite
literally at the mercy of
Canada and their bastions of
giant evil sled dogs.

Fish With Letter Icon

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