The Fish
for 23 June 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Vice President
of Snacks


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Opinions: Limited Time Offer

Having just recently
discovered Suck, I have been
busy reading through The
Barrel in my spare time.
About a month ago, I hit "Get
A Lifestyle" from 11/20/96,
with its great critique of
that insipid "lifestyle"
guide for cigar poseurs,
P.O.V. Not more than two days
later, a cellophane-bagged
copy of P.O.V. appeared in my
mailbox. Not one to chalk
things up to divine
intervention, I figured it
belonged to the
dumbass who lived in my
apartment eight months ago,
and threw it on top of the
refrigerator with his last
three month's worth of
American Express bills.

A week ago, another P.O.V.
shows up. This time I check
the label, and it is to me. I
check the label on the bagged
copy, it is to me also. The
problem is, I think P.O.V.
sucks and would never pay
money for it! I figure maybe
it was a friend playing a
practical joke.

In the first P.O.V.'s bag was
a cardboard insert stating
that, by the way, Spy
has gone out of
business. And they are sure
that I will be excited to
know that for the rest of my
two-year subscription to Spy
magazine, I will receive
P.O.V. instead!

This month's P.O.V. headline
for hard-charging
high-finance go-getters:
"Moonlighting for Fun and

Oh! The horror!

Living large,

H. L. Williams

P.O.V. for Spy ... that
sounds like a fair trade.

We'd pay them not to deliver
P.O.V. to our door.

Fish With Letter Icon

Inaction Heroes

Hello, I read Filler every
week and love it. Good work!

I noticed that in today's
installment, the Inaction
Heroes adventure, Monkey Girl
and Squirrel Boy didn't even
bother helping out with the
looming crisis at the Hall of
Injustice. No doubt Monkey
Girl was too busy messing
around with Passive-Agressive
Girl's boyfriend and someone
at the Hall of Injustice made
the mistake of actually
inviting Squirrel Boy to hang
out with them.

Anyway, you've inspired me to
send a few thousand copies of
the Squirrel Boy's picture to
my "friend" who needs only
the suit to match his
description. Who knows? If he
gets it, I may not even go to
prison for a "denial of
service" attack.

Wish me luck,

Brian Preston

Monkey Girl and Squirrel Boy
are too cool for the Hall of
Injustice. They prefer to
sneak up when you least
expect it and ruin

Ahem, depending on who you
are, that is. Given the
number of people that wrote
in requesting Monkey Girl's
number ...

Fish With Letter Icon

You forgot one hero. Actually
a pair that always go
together: The Moron Brothers.
They'll whine, they'll bitch,
they'll fuck you if you're


Never met them, but I'm
betting they don't get laid
very often.

Fish With Letter Icon
Two for the Road

Hey Skinner,

Interesting about that bar-to-
bar parking lot ratio, huh?

I lived in Sicily, Italy, for
a few years, where there is
no drinking age - and there's
no drunk driving problem. Why
no drunk-driving? Ask any
Sicilian, and they'll tell
you Italians don't have
drinking problems. They'll
explain that their culture
doesn't encourage abuse
because (unlike us Yanks)
they don't prohibit their
kids from drinking. Hence,
the kiddies don't use alcohol
to rebel.

I think that explanation
overlooks an important point,
which has more to do with
your park 'n' drink

Sicilians live in cities
built before there were cars
- and it shows. A Sicilian is
likely to drink at an
establishment within
stumbling distance of his or
her home. No driving means no
drunk driving.

The bottom line is that
you're right. American
cities aren't designed to
encourage responsible
drinking. But what can you
do? Zoning laws in America
have always been just plain
stupid, and I don't see that
changing any time soon, do


I'm sure you'd agree that the
"no drinking age/no
rebellion/no problem"
argument is as old as it is
simple-minded. But I think
you're onto something with
the zoning-law corollary. I
would suggest, too, that
Americans are a binge-and-
purge kind of people.
Drinking to get drunk seems
to be a given - whereas some
of our more enlightened and
worldly friends drink for
other reasons, like, say,
because it tastes good.

And another thing: Why the
hell can't we take a two-hour
nap every afternoon, and let
the damn stock market take
care of itself?

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

There are no bars in
Manhattan with parking lots
and there is plenty of public
transportation here.


You're right, David. Of
course, I'd hoped to avoid
this riposte by adding the
qualifiers "decent and
dignified" - classic
lawyer-speak to cover even a
Suckster's ass.

I do believe New York City is
the only place in the lower
48 where a stumbling drunk
has a hope of getting home by
way of public transportation
- although his/her chances of
getting there in one piece
with wallet/purse in tow
aren't so great.

As we say here in the
American outback: "La."

E. L. Skinner

Fish With Letter Icon

Point well made on "Two for
the Road," though hearing you
(at least in passing, if not
the passing lane) buy into
the noble St. Joan image of
MADD was distressing. The
wing of society has little need to
pay the bar tabs of lobbyists
when they can get laudatory
free publicity by the

Ralph Ward

We're sorry that people
who've had children killed by
drunk drivers don't have
quite enough of a sense of
humor about themselves to
suit your tastes.

You probably have a sense of
humor about almost everything,

Oh, well ... except for your
name, Ralph. You're probably
a little defensive about your


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: drinking and driving

I once was pulled over for
not having my lights on. I
had been in a bar all day ...
perhaps 10 hours. In my
addled mind, I decided that
they were going to lock me up
and throw away the keys, so
when asked how much I had had
to drink, I replied,

"Buckets?" The astonished cop

"That's right," I said, "I
had buckets of vodka."

He was so surprised by my
honesty, he told me to park
my car and take a cab home,
which I did.

I wouldn't recommend this
method to anyone else,

<Name withheld to protect
the guilty>
Toronto, Ontario

You wouldn't recommend being
honest with cops, or you
wouldn't recommend taking a
cab home after drinking
buckets of vodka?

Fish With Letter Icon

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