for 16 June 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.

Hit & Run

Uh, Fawn Hall was a minor
player in the Iran-Contra
scandal, not Teapot Dome. In
the future, why not skip the
supposedly helpful
parenthetical, since if
people don't know who Fawn
Hall is, they probably don't
know what Teapot Dome or
Iran-Contra is?

Brian Mendonca
<bgmendon@mintz.com>

Thanks for the help, Brian!
We should also add that the 4
June issue of Hit and Run
incorrectly stated that Gary
Hart's hopes for the US Prime
Ministership were dashed when
he was photographed in
flagrante with the scantily
clad, skeletal remains of
President Warren G. Harding.
Moreover, the period from
1980 to 1990 was not, as
reported here, "the magical
years of your youth." In
reality, the 80's sucked.
Finally, Brian Mendonca is
not, as initially reported,
"the world's smartest kid,"
but rather a freelance expert
on US history and defuser of
lame jokes. We regret any
inconvenience our error may
have caused Mr. Mendonca or
his family.

BarTel

Rabbit Redux

Subject: Re: Another Giant
Evil Crackhead

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I would
like to apologize as a
Canadian and solely on my own
behalf for the rather
incensed rantings of my
fellow patriot, although I
hope most other Canadians
share this sentiment. I
beseech you to overlook the
poorly punctuated letter
published recently on your
site as sent by one of the
dozen of us who still live
above the 49th parallel. In
general, we are a quiet and
punctuation-conscious bunch,
believing strongly in the use
of periods, commas, and
colons. That's right, colons.
Occasionally, during the cold
winter months, we even
attempt the proper use of the
elusive semicolon....

I should also mention that we
are not strangers to the
sentence, nor the application
of uppercase letters to such
grammatical structures (when
appropriate). In fact, we
have a long-standing
tradition of sentence use
across the country.
Everywhere I go, I hear
people speak using complete
sentences - full of nouns and
verbs, adjectives, and
adverbs. I see Albertans
writing sentences that end
with a period, Nova Scotians
using commas to denote a
clause or a list item. I love
Canada! Perhaps there are
sentences craftily hidden
within the jumble of words
meant to pass as intelligible
text, and only the lack of an
archaic and oppressive
punctuation system prevents
me, and I suspect others, from
seeing them.....

Hoping to avert an
international incident,

I. S.

Yeah, you'd better keep
hoping, buddy, because
America could kick your lousy
Canuck asses back to
prehistoric times!

Fish on Fish on Fish

Subject: Kornheiser@suck.com

Good Lord, are people writing
in to you guys to write to
Kornheiser? His address is at
the bottom of all of his
letters, I mean come on!

Or is Kornheiser graciously
sharing his personal email
with us?

Or, and this is the scariest
option, did you publish all
of that little dialog between
Kornheiser and Parker Smith
just so you could publish the
"response" to the next letter
with all the porno
references? I enjoy porno
references as much as the
next Suckster, but those two
were talking about books!
AHHH!

Kara Catherwood
<kara@osuunx.ucc.okstate.edu>

Someone wrote to us to write
to Kornheiser, and we asked
Kornheiser for his response.
He gave it to us. We printed
it. Then you wrote about it.
We printed that, too.

Next week: Post-its and
laundry lists from Alan
Kornheiser's junk drawer!

A Modest Disposal

Subject: What violence is
like

Sheesh! Cherry pie, not apple
pie. And it wasn't Rap Brown
either, it was Stokely
Carmichael unless my aging
brain cells betray me.
Whatever. Doesn't anyone at
Suck ever look anything up?

Harry Eagar Maui

Well, you're half right. It
was cherry pie, not the more
traditional apple pie, that
H. Rap Brown compared
violence to. But it was in
fact H. Rap Brown who uttered
the immortal maxim! In any
case, I see no reason to
impugn my comrades at Suck
for a fruit error. You
ex-hippies are always
comparing cherries and
oranges. But I understand: my
brain cells are aging, too.

Hans Moleman

Filler: Hate Mail

Polly.

As a freind of Mr Mazuz' and
someone who is pretentious as
all git out, and a
ex-liberal-art major, I just
wanted to correct a error in
his letter; I make over than
25K a year.

P.S. And in the spirit of his
letter, I'll tell you that
for a living I'm an
copyediter.

P.P.S. I hate lemon squares.
Sincerely,

Anthony Sarmiento
<asarmiento@exchange.LUCA.com>

Are all of Mr. Mazuz's
friends pretentious? If any
more of his friends are
reading this, they should
write in and tell us how
pretentious they are and how
much they make.

In some (pretentious)
circles, they believe that
the less you make, the more
leeway you have to be
pretentious. Supporting this
claim are sculptors, slam
poets, and nihilistic coffee
clerks. Flying in the face of
this notion: the film and
music industries.

Today, mostly, we're left to
wonder: Who the fuck cares?

Polly