The Fish
for 8 June 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Vice President
of Snacks


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Endsville, Postponed

Mr. Baks:

Thanks for the funny piece
you and Terry Colon put
together on the Chairman of
the Board's recent demise. I
can hear my mother already:
"These things come in threes,
and Frank's death completes
the circle when paired with
the deaths of Diana and
Mother Teresa."

I must admit to having a
special place in my heart for
the old crooner. You see, as
a culturally deprived student
at a remote liberal arts
college in the middle of
fucking nowhere, a
significant portion of the
campus would turn out for
Frank's birthday on December
12th. This was really just an
excuse to drink hard liquor
and "bond" with members of
the opposite sex, but what
better way to celebrate the
Sinatra myth than by drinking
and screwing?

Thanks for the memories,

Al Thomas

When I attended a remote
liberal arts college in the
middle of fucking nowhere we
had a similar excuse for
intemperate drinking and
screwing. We called it
"attending a remote liberal
arts college in the middle of
fucking nowhere."


Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: hack & fish

Many thanks for the return of
hack & fish! While I do
find them most enjoyable to
read, I'm beginning to wonder
about the hack. I mean, when
you start seeing fish bigger
than your own head floating
around, let alone carrying on
quasi-witty conversations
with it, it's time to stop
licking the acid stamps. Or
is it the artist who's

Simon Koch

The Fish resents your
implication that he's
imaginary and quasi-witty.

The Hack resents your
patronizing tone regarding
his drug habit.

Why not pick on someone your
own size? We all know Matt
Drudge hallucinates a lot
more than floating fish.

Fish With Letter Icon

Hit and Run

Subject: I don't like Mondays

I'm surprised that in the
coverage of school shootings,
I haven't seen mention of
Brenda Spencer's 1979
schoolyard shootings in San
Diego. None of the current
kids have as cogent a
motivation as her
explanation, "I don't like

Ken Shirriff

That seems reasonable enough
to us.

Fish With Letter Icon

Stranger Than Fiction


I don't know who Ruth Shalit
is, but it's easy to be pithy
when you copy Dr. Samuel
Johnson - almost exactly,
too. I don't have the
reference in front of me, but
"No one but a blockhead ever
wrote, except for money" is a
bit closer to his actual
words (or anyway, what
Boswell reported).

But I think you have
unwittingly identified the
problem about fake reporting:
If nobody at The New
or at Suck, ever
heard Dr. J.'s (no, not
Erving) second most famous
quote, it is not so hard to
see how insouciant law
students can pull the wool
over your eyes. You have to
bring something to the table
yourself, you know.

But tell me more about
Shalit. Is she famous for
pithiness? Has anybody
checked her other bons mots
for plagiarism? Does she
sleep with a book of Dorothy
Parker reviews under her

Harry Eagar Maui

"None but a blockhead..." is,
of course, dear Dr. Johnson;
you just wanted to see if we
were paying attention.
However, a perhaps more
amusing cross-reference is to
Fear and Loathing on the
Campaign Trail '72,
invented a mythical drug
(Ibogaine?) to explain HHH's
campaigning. When The Press
picked this up, the gonzo
doctor began including the
phrase, "I've got to stop
making this stuff up" at key

Yeah, we'll miss Mr. Glass.
His stories were often the
best thing in TNR.

Alan Kornheiser

Well, at least you give me
credit for knowing the
quote's true source; I've
received several emails
already telling me that I've
fallen prey to Shalit's

Alas, I was surprised you
didn't call me on the
authenticity of Eldon
McElway, who is merely an
imaginary homage to Glass'
own powers of invention.

I tried to work something in
there on Thompson's fictive
tendencies; I wish I'd known
about that particular
disclaimer of his. Some
people have been citing
Thompson in various
conversations about Glass and
wondering how come he never
got into a similar amount of
trouble. My typically
uninformed guess is that he
and other New Journalists
probably did provoke their
share of angry, denunciatory
essays, but that those, alas,
were not anthologized and are
therefore forgotten. Also,
Thompson used other devices
that functioned as
disclaimers - presenting
himself in the fictional
guise of Raoul Duke, etc. I
noticed on the Fear and
Web site (I may have
been the only person to click
on that ad) that the movie's
producers refer to Thompson's
book as a "novel." I wonder
if this is how the
article/book was positioned
when it was first published,
or if that was just an
instance of revisionism on
their part.


Fish With Letter Icon

Subject: "No one but a
blockhead ever wrote for
anything but money."

I never wrote these words, or
anything remotely like them.
(I don't think!)

Am I losing my mind - or
just missing the joke?

Please advise.

Ruth Shalit

What the heck is a serious
journalist like yourself
doing reading Suck? In any
case, the reference was
supposed to be a joke.

While the quote seemed apt
for the point I was trying to
make, citing its true author
seemed to lack the Glassian
verve with which I wanted to
infuse the piece. So I
attributed it to you instead,
believing that people would
take it as a humorous aside
about The New Republic's
ongoing problems re: ethics,
and as a general comment on
all the various ways that
journalistic credibility can
be undermined.

What I didn't anticipate is
that readers might
underestimate my mastery of
Bartlett's Quotations and at
the same time, overestimate
your brazenness in regard to
sampling the work of other


On a serious note - although
I do appreciate the
freewheeling, fun-loving
Glassian spirit in which you
attached my name to those
words, it just so happens
that another plagiarism flap
is just about the last thing
I need. So ... if you could
remove my name from your site
pronto, I'd be much obliged.

And of course I read Suck!

Although, truth be told, I
liked your last Stephen Glass
piece better.

Ruth Shalit

Haven't we determined truth
is just a big bore, Ruth?
Meaning, I didn't write that
other Glass piece, and now
you've gone and hurt my
feelings. In the future,
please lie.


Fish With Letter Icon

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