The Fish
for 1 June 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Vice President
of Snacks


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Another Angry Dwarf
Chimes In

Subject: Hank the angry,
drunken dwarf

I find it kind of sad that
your premise is so incredibly
inaccurate, and then, of
course, building a foundation
on sand is always a dicey
proposition at best.

The fact of the matter is,
the drive for Hank came from
one of the more popular Stern
fan pages, (King of
All Media). Apparently, a fan
wrote to Kevin, who runs the
page, that he thought it
would be funny to vote for
Hank. Kevin agreed and posted
a link and a suggestion to
people to vote. Howard didn't
even find out about it until
Hank was winning the poll by
some thousands of votes.

Next time, put in a little
effort, OK?


Why, so we don't get attacked
by an angry mob of angry

How's this: We're so
embarrassed over our horrible

Sand Castle Kings

Fish With Letter Icon


Excuse my impertinence, but
where did you get the idea of
cheerful waitresses? I've
never seen a waiter and/or
waitress at the restaurants
that you describe grace us
with "their curiously perky
demeanors and their
unrelenting habit of focusing
unconditional positive regard
on their customers." Most
wait staff I've seen (or
known) would rather be
anywhere else and are very
good at letting that show. I
don't know, maybe these
places you've visited are in
some sort of chain Twilight
Otherwise, quite an
accurate article. Thanks!


Are you in San Francisco?

Waiters aren't required to be
friendly or even remotely
tolerable in San Francisco.

They're Really Artists, you

Fish With Letter Icon


Subject: Who you lookin' at?

Suck, of all pubs, shouldn't
go 'round crying about the
derivative nature of media.

To finger-wag Groening,
especially, is perverse;
finger yourself instead!
Groening, recall, is the font
from which Suck sucked the
whole "fin de siècle
dating" deal almost verbatim
(and it was as funny as a
drunken weasel in heat the
second time around as well).

And "Ersatz?" Come on ...

Plus Groening, along with his
writers/actors, is
responsible for more laughs
(post-bong-hit and otherwise)
than you can waggle a penis

So go fuck with John Tesh or

Yours in non-gratitude,

Steve McNally

We're not wallowing in our
crocodile tears, Steve. We're
soaking in 'em. Way ahead of
you on the Groening thing,
Steve-O. Go to,
click on the "thumb" icon,
and voilà! An article
titled "Sucking Our Own."
(It's not clear whether you
are positing "drunken weasels
in heat" as the be-all and
end-all of yuks, but sounds
like a better show than most
of what appears in prime

(Been writing as Ersatz in
Suck since spring of '95,
since February '92 in my zine
of the same name, so the
querulousness comes a bit
late. Been faking it for

And John Tesh? Talk about
easy targets. Ya want Yanni
jokes, try the Times Op-Ed
page. Anyway, Tesh is a lousy

Thanks fer readin',


Fish With Letter Icon

That there is nothing new
under the sun was old news
even when it was written. The
human life span remains
unchanged (one birth, one
death; see Neil Gaiman's
Death for further
discussion), and we are still
born astride the grave. Why
else was I kept up too late
last night watching PBS
showing the adventure stories
of that 400-year-old
deadwhitemale Willy S.?

But I actually wanted to call
your attention to David
Drake's novel The Voyage. Mr.
Drake is an interesting man:
He saw combat (as an
observer!) with an armored
unit in 'Nam, came back to
the world to get a law degree
and a minor nervous
breakdown, reads classical
Greek and Latin, and writes
science fiction. In The
he chose to retell
the voyage of Jason and the

This is, of course, an old
story; Homer makes reference
to it. However, the version
best known today is that of
Apollonius of Rhodes in the
third century BCE. (I've
cribbed this; I don't read
classical languages.) Drake
finds Apollonius' version
unworkable, for an odd
reason: Apollonius wrote in a
time of general peace, but
Jason's story is set in a
time of random violence.
(Recall that Odysseus is
asked, in his travels, if he
is a trader or a pirate, with
no sarcasm: Both were
considered typical
occupations at the time.)
Drake prefers to tell the
story in another tone, with
another subtext: Put armed
men in harm's way, and they
will do whatever it takes to
live. You probably won't like
the results. An important
lesson, especially in a time
that assumes "surgical
strikes" and "limited
interventions." And a damn
fine novel, one I recommend.

In other words, one writer
has taken over another's plot
almost completely, but to
tell a totally different

Have I wasted your time this
long all for The Simpsons? Of
course not. Merely a reminder
that even if the plots don't
change, the stories do.

Alan Kornheiser,
The Doctor Is IN

There may be nothing new
under the sun, but a new Alan
Kornheiser letter is a thing
of beauty. How y'been

Willy S. - because he
(re)writes the best plays?
(Did you ever see The Madness
of King George
? Well-acted,
well-made movie, a cut way
above the usual. But toward
the end, there's a scene
where Nigel Hawthorne is
sitting in the garden
recuperating from his
crazy-attack, and he starts
reading out loud from Lear.
It's a dangerous thing for a
director to do: within a few
lines I was starting to
think, yeah this is a decent
movie, but why am I here when
I could be home reading the

Homer makes reference to it
... Homer Simpson?!? (Oops,
sorry 'bout dat.)

The Voyage sounds good, I may
even pick it up. I actually
have no particular truck with
reworking old stories, so
long as it's done well. I've
got one for you by Borges,
which is short enough to
retype here in toto:

To make his horror complete,
Caesar, pressed to the foot
of a statue by the impatient
daggers of his friends,
discovers among the blades
and faces the face of Marcus
Junius Brutus, his
perhaps his son, and ceasing
to defend himself he
exclaims, "You too, my son!"
Shakespeare and Quevedo
revive the pathetic cry.
Destiny takes pleasure in
repetition, variants,
symmetries: Nineteen
centuries later, in the south
of the province of Buenos
Aires, a gaucho is attacked
by other gauchos. As he
falls, he recognizes an
adopted son of his and says
to him with gentle reproof
and slow surprise (these
words must be heard, not
read), "Pero che!" He is
being killed, and he does not
know he is dying so that a
scene may be repeated.

(Shit, I wish I'd remembered
that "repetition, variants,
symmetries" line before I
wrote the piece....)

Thanks (as always) fer


Fish With Letter Icon

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