The Fish
for 18 May 1998. Updated every WEEKDAY.
Suck Staff

Joey Anuff
Joey Anuff
Editor in Chief


Terry Colon
Terry Colon
Art Director


[the fixin' pixie... ]
Emily Hobson
Production Manager
and Head Electrician


Heather Havrilesky
Heather Havrilesky
Senior Editor


[Ian Connelly]
Ian Connelly
Marketing Manager


[Copy Edit]
Copy Edit

Suck Alumni
Suck Alumni Text

Carl Steadman
Carl Steadman


Ana Marie Cox
Ana Marie Cox
Executive Editor


Sean (Duuuuude) Welch
Sean Welch


Owen Thomas
Owen Thomas
Copy Editor


T. Jay Fowler

Production Manager

& Ass Kicker


[yes, it's a plunger. i'll l
eave the rest up to your imagination ... ]
Erin Coull
Production Manager


Matt Beer
Matt Beer
Development Manager

Wrong Answer

The movie was pretty damn
good, (that first BMX ride
with SLEEP on the soundtrack
was fucking awesome), but it
would have been better if
Korine was actually from
Ohio. It was annoying to pick
out the NYC kids, such as
Chloe Whatever, since they
are not actually good actors
and thus not able to pull off
an accent. (Reminded me of
Kietel in The Last Temptation
of Christ.
) The bottom line is
that the script for Kids was
more clever (although you're
right about redemption buying
critical acceptance - that is
annoying). Gummo seemed like
poseurism times 10,
inverted. Hip NYC kids
glorifying Cannibal Corpse
and the white-trash nightmare
they don't really have the
right to enjoy. Do you think
Harmony Korine knows the
Slayer discography because he
finds it fascinatingly trashy
and winningly ironic or
because he truly loves Tom
Araya's voice or Dave
Lombardo's drumming? It
reminds me of all these
college grads here in the
Mission who love Death Metal.
I mean, shit, I'm one of
them, but I actually did hang
out at the wash and listen to
Maiden when I was 10. I
thought your commentary was
great, but wouldn't you love
to see a movie like this made
by one of the actual BMX
kids, grown up? Korine is
great, but he is no John

Paul Kaplan

Paul: I appreciate the
comments. I have trouble with
the idea of a good actor as
someone who can pull off a
good accent. As you may have
noticed, most of the actors
were from Tennessee, where Gummo
was filmed and where Korine
went to high school. As such,
their Tennessee accents are
pretty fuckin' OK. That
Korine nonetheless decided to
simply say that they were in
Ohio suggests that he doesn't
particularly care whether or
not he looks like he's
telling the truth. On the
authenticity tip, it's
interesting to note that the
Jehovah's Witnesses brothers
who killed their parents in
Gummo (a well-publicized 1995
real-life case in which they
killed their little brother,
too) were actually from
Pennsylvania, and in real
life they had Berserker and
Sieg Heil tattoos on their

Ultimately, I disagree with
the implication that your
identity bears on your right
to enjoy stuff. That a
disaffected nerd might be
able to truly live through
music that would only raise a
smirk on a rock critic's face
just shows that taste doles
out its own rewards and

Fish With Letter Icon

Toxic Shock

Now we know the true story:
Suck and Microsoft are in
cahoots. Why else would you
include a link to the
Microsoft-owned, pay-per-view
Slate? Why else
would you sneak such a
click-produced endorsement on
unsuspecting Suck readers?
You know if a person reads
Suck, he can't be too bright,
so he'll blindly shell out
the $19.95 in order to
diligently follow up on the
link. Such sublinkinal
advertising schemes are truly
the product of a deviant,
Microsoft-sponsored mind! But
I'm wary to your plans!

Seriously, here's an
interesting quote about
Microsoft's predatory
business tactics from
ex-Softie Alex St. John, who's
now sitting on his columnist
high horse over at the geek
mag Boot. I think his ego has
inflated how high up on the
food chain he really was at
Microsoft, but this is
probably true (and if it's
not it's a good geek yarn):

Money is shortsighted, it
doesn't decide to make
weak development tools,
it just runs out. It's a
struggle for development
tools companies to make
money, even Microsoft
wrestle s with it.
Microsoft's tool business
was a charity operation
to support Windows for
many years.

Yet Microsoft brutalized
Borland, the two
evangelists Microsoft set
on them are the guys who
later formed the DirectX
team. I'm going to use
the past tense "we" to
talk about it. "We"
decided Borland had
gotten too much leverage
on MS with its
development tools, so in
addition to lighting a
fire under the VC groups
butts, Microsoft hired
two evangelists to
attack Borland. One from
Watcom, and one from
Symantec. We used a
competition saturation
strategy to distract
Borland while we got our
own tool business
together. The idea was
that since there was very
little money in tools,
the best strategy to deal
with Borland was to
starve them out of the
business by fragmenting
the tool market with too
many competitors.
Microsoft knows that in
any market where
competition is
fragmented, it wins, so
it gave MFC away to every
compiler company, and
it gave MFC away to every
compiler company, and
offered huge co-marketing
and developer support
incentives to everyone
who took it. They then
promoted the hell out of
MFC. MFC thus became a
required/default feature
every developer expected
to get with their
development environment,
and Borland didn't have
it. Borland was forced to
the bargaining table,
and Microsoft required
them to dump their own
class library in order to
get an MFC license. That
was the end for Borland.
When they were done,
Microsoft simply released
the relationship strings
on the other tool
companies and they all
sank into oblivion
together. Those evangelists
and myself moved on to
work on Apples leadership
in multimedia.

<Name Withheld>

Thanks for the interesting
quote. Interesting to some,

Sinking into oblivion
together sounds very relaxing
and communal, actually - and
how many things are truly
both relaxing and communal?
Far less than the community
would care to admit.

Fish With Letter Icon

Wake-Up Call

Hope I'm not the 4,157th to
ask this question, but how
many cups of joe did it take
you to write that rant?


I'm not going to lie to you:
Writing is a horrible
soul-draining chore, and the
only way to generate the kind
of energy it requires is to
induce limited schizophrenia
- which caffeine does very
nicely on a short-term basis.
You can get a similar effect
with a non-lethal dose of any
toxin or allergin.

DJ Abraham Lincoln

Fish With Letter Icon

What the hell (heck if you're
reading this in Utah)! The
IRS and everyone else missed
it totally. I find the
practice "relax have a home
brew" much more effective
than five cups of coffee.

Devin Howells

Ah, I see you're also a
follower of the Teen
Christian Action Fellowship
mailing list, radio network,
and trashvertising campaign.
It's true, home brews can be
relaxing when they don't
contain wood spirits or
hemlock, but intensive media
research shows Americans
between the ages of 15 and 35
are more likely to smoke pot
in a funny pipe than do
anything that resembles
witchcraft. Just a friendly

Yours inside Jesus,
DJ Abraham Lincoln

Fish With Letter Icon

"On April 15th, though,
jazzed Starbucks workers
jogged the steps of the
General Post Office,
dispensing congratulatory
cups from 50-gallon

Damn, they must have been
jazzed indeed! By my
calculations, that's more
than 400 pounds per backpack.
Cancel those Sherpa porters,
I'm climbing Everest with
some chronically dilated
Starbuckers. How many
espresso beans should I eat
before I move my piano?

Brian Gray

Maybe you should apply at the
National Council Association?
For the record, those
backpacks were probably truly
8-to-10-gallon capacity,
which is still too much to be
huffing up and down the
endless entryway to the New
York GPO. Starbucks should
work out a distribution deal
with the IRS, so we can get
some instant espresso with
our instant refund.

DJ Abraham Lincoln
the Selector

Fish With Letter Icon

Target Practice

I first read about Suck in a
Wired magazine article. It
sounded like it'd be a good
read, and though I had jotted
down a little sticky note to
check it out later, it took
me, ahem, awhile to get to
it. Boy have I been missing

Months passed, until one day
last week I got exceedingly
bored and was looking for Web
sites that might be worth
visiting. Out of the blue, I
typed in, and up
comes the now familiar "a
fish, a barrel, and a smoking
gun." Then the artwork
started trickling over the
lines. I began to read, and
was soon laughing
hysterically. I've been
called a cynic before, and in
harsher terms than that, but
you guys take the cake!

One thing that still gets me
is the fish, barrel, and gun
line. It seems profound, but
I know it to be a derivative
of a shallow and overused
cliché. The line even
uses its own cliché
status to mean more than it
says. It's as if to say, "If
you 'get' this joke, then
you're a potential target."

Keep up the good work.


Welcome to our growing family
of potential targets.

Fish With Letter Icon

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